Merry Christmas! Yes, that’s right, Christmas and NOT Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings or any other Politically Correct crap! Christmas Eve Mass last night was packed full as always but I expect it so we left an HR early and got seats, and 45 min. before it started the church was already half full! In time, there were even people standing at the back! A lady also thought our oldest son(age 22) was my BROTHER(and then said I “look young.”) and the decorations reminded me of Christmases when I was a kid in the 1970’s.It brought back fond memories of a time when I was happy,before I was wounded by life and left damaged, broken, scarred, bitter, and defeated.
The 4 YR old was bad as always, hitting people and of course my mother and hubby excused him, wouldn’t allow me to punish him(accusing me of trying to “ruin” Christmas), and blamed the 8 YR old even when he started it by hitting her first. I also had him bring me up something from downstairs as with my breathing problem I get out of breath if I go up and down stairs and the 13 YR old scoffed I “take advantage of my kids because I’m lazy” and my mother cruelly sneered that since I always complain about my life and how unhappy I am that it would serve me “right” in Heaven if I’m STILL fat, ugly, deformed, unhappy and feel this way(since my hope is then it will finally end and I’ll be at peace and be happy.) She’s so hateful and mean.It would be easier to cope and not be quite as bad if I actually HAD some family support for once instead of always ridicule and blame all the time.It’s like a wound that never heals. It’s kind of sad to realize as well being molested for YRS by a relative as a kid would actually end up being the LEAST of all the several traumas in my life I’d had to endure. A sobering thought.
I identify with Jane Eyre as well; a lonely sad,cruel life of mistreatment,sadness and pain, but at least she did find love at the end and would be happy and was only 19 and still had the rest of her life ahead of her , but it’s too late for me now.I’m still waiting for my happy ending.