Things I’ve Learned Never To Do Again.

 Things I’ve learned never to do again(due to painful past experience.) :

Stand behind a horse.

Stick my tongue on a frigid metal pole in winter.

Eat bugs.

Pick things off the sidewalk and eat it.

Natural childbirth.

Swallow salty ocean water.

Put my hand thru the cage bars of small animals.

Walk barefoot on the beach on hot sand and sharp rocks.

Jump off the garage roof.

Go out in the snow in bare feet.

Dig to China.

Kiss a sleeping dog.

Successfully committing suicide is harder than you might think and harder than it looks.

Trust people.

Tell anyone your deepest darkest secrets.

Put a pen lid in your mouth.

Take a dare.

Eat dog food.

Throw snowballs at passing cars.

Ride a bike with your hands off the handlebars and with your eyes closed.


As well,I read USA has 24 million people that are unemployed in this bad economy, and in Europe it’s 23 million, but that’s an entire CONTINENT, not just one country,and the entire population of this country is only 34 million! The Shafia murder verdict also has been a field day for the femi-nazis, turning it into the feminist agenda(barf) instead of just a domestic violence and murder issue(they always have to hijack everything for their cause) and to attack the Arab culture, and I carry a heaviness in my heart over the case as well and was really hoping that they were innocent,and it’s so sad for everyone involved: for those that are dead, for those spending the rest of their lives in jail, and for their 3 remaining kids forever lost to State care. Ironic as well how the gov’t says Honor killings have “no place in our ‘civilized’ society”…yeah, “right”, a society that slaughters countless unborn babies thru abortion and it’s perfectly legal to do so, a society that oppresses it’s own Native people and keeps them in poverty and despair, a society that goes to Afghanistan and kills innocent civilians and then welcomes the soldiers back home as “heroes”,etc. and is one of the most amoral and permissive countries in the world. Yeah, really “civilized”, my ASS!

My mom’s cough has been over a week now as well and not getting any better; it keeps her and everyone else awake at night and she lays in bed all day, even going for a nap just an HOUR after she wakes up and then says I’M “too controlling” and I “can’t tell her what to do!” when I suggested she really should go to a clinic and have it checked out as there’s something more than just a usual cough going on here and then added I’d “be happy” if she died! She’s just IMPOSSIBLE!! As for me, for the entire month of January there were only 3 days that I DIDN’T have a headache. For me, headaches are just a normal chronic daily part of life.

My hubby also sneered that I’m “perpetually angry”(no shit; I am miserably unhappy and hate my life and wish I was dead; sorry I’m NOT all “sunshine and rainbows!”) and snickered that I “don’t know how ‘good’ I have it!” Riiiiight….I’m deformed, depressed, beaten broken and victimized by life, have constant bad luck, my family hates me, I feel trapped,unwanted and unloved, everything we have is crap,and I’ll never feel safe again following all my traumas I’ve endured but I’m supposed to be thankful? I’m even blamed for how I feel as well and how can I NOT always be so negative and pessimistic when that’s  what I have experienced and had to live with for like 95% of my life and that’s all I know and what  life has taught me?

Screw it.


 After 3 months of trial and 15 HRS of deliberation the jury has found the Shafia mother, father,and son guilty of First Degree murder in the murder of their 3 daughters/sisters and first wife 3 YRS ago. I was expecting it since when the jury left the court room Friday they didn’t look at the accused; a classic indication it’ll be a guilty verdict; when it’s an innocent verdict the jury looks at the defendants. I also expected it due to a racial bias society today has in general against Arabs/ Muslims, like, “Oh, yes, an Honor Killing; they must be guilty!”

At first I had thought they were but then as more evidence came I had doubts and thought that they just MIGHT be innocent, such as so many doubts, inconsistancies and circumstantial evidence, incl. that there wouldn’t have been enough time to kill the 4 family members, put them into the car and push it into the canal from the time they were seen checking into the motel in Kingston until the son’s cell phone signal was picked up in Montreal.As well, the way their other children were describing them as loving parents didn’t fit the profile that they were abusive or the type that would kill their own children.Maybe it just WAS a tragic accident,afterall?

As time went on, however, I had doubts, esp. the damage done to the Lexus(the car that pushed their car into the water), the laptop searches “Where to commit a murder” and that the victims’  in the car did NOT have seat belts, that their seats were reclined back(you wouldn’t be driving that way) and that the car’s window was open and that the ignition was turned off. At that point I wondered if maybe they really were guilty afterall even though the sheer logistic of how they could pull off killing 4 people without anyone noticing still seems hard to fathom.

I do agree, however, that their daughters WERE whores and a shame and trouble  to their family(they also stole, had semi nude photos of themselves on their cell phones, snuck around with boys, were sent home from school for wearing slutty clothes, ran away, etc) but what I didn’t get is why didn’t they just kick them out? They had a few chances to do so; they could have allowed them to move out with the first wife and live with her, they could have let Children’s Aid take them when they first  showed up on the scene, or they could have sent them back to relatives in Afghanistan to live, where they would be away from the bad influences here and where being a whore isn’t accepted or encouraged like it is here. Why KILL them? 2 wrongs don’t make a right.

The whole thing is just sad, and I pray for all those involved, but who I really feel sorry for is their other 3 younger kids, who’s lives and family  have been destroyed already(taken by Children’s Aid 3 YRS ago when the crimes were committed) and they are innocent victims in all this too and have done nothing to deserve it(and weren’t even allowed to visit, or even talk to, their parents and brother in jail,either, which isn’t right; they didn’t  do anything wrong to deserve this) even if the others are guilty, and now they will languish in foster care(and we all know how the system destroys and breaks people) with their parents and brother in jail for the next 25 YRS.

Either way, we never really know for SURE what happened, the jury just does the best they can with the evidence at hand,only the accused,the victims, and God knows for sure, and I think the only thing worse than guilty people getting away with a crime is innocent people wrongly convicted. I hope and pray the jury made the right decision, but God will be the ultimate judge and knows what really happened but the whole thing is just sad overall.

The Pastel Pants.

 The 8 YR old has a pair of pastel purple cords like I used to have in grade 8. It brought back memories of my pastel pants: I had them in 4 colours: purple, pink, blue,and yellow. When I first wore the purple ones(my first of the pairs) everyone made fun of me and said they were “gay”( that was the derogatory word of the day and in the 80’s meant anything ugly, lame, or stupid) but then a few short days later I noticed ALL the girls started wearing them; I had started a new fashion trend! At the time it was “brave” of me to do such a thing, incl. wear my “loud” Hawaiian shirt and my silk shirt from China as people were merciless to ANYTHING “different” but I have always had my own style and never followed the crowd.I’m still like that. I shun the world and do my own thing!

As well, now even the 8 YR old is copying how the others treat me and sneered, “You’re the useless one!” and my hubby was mad he had to go get me pop(as I was almost out and he’s the only one that drives) as it’s just something for me so it’s NOT important and just an inconvenience, and it makes me feel like a Second-class citizen,and he sneers that I can “easily be replaced” and he can “just hire someone to homeschool the kids” and I’m weary and embittered with my marginalized status in this family and am unsure which is a better option: divorce or suicide, as I know I need to get away from him and my mother and this toxic environment that destroys my spirit but where do I go and what do I do for money? I can’t live on my own….

The 17 Y old doesn’t shower anymore now either claiming he “hates getting wet” and I wonder if he’s becoming eccentric like Howard Hughes, I heard the gov’t plans to “up” the age requirements to collect old age pension soon from the current age 65 to 67 and I wonder if they’ll just keep “upping” it to 70,75, 80, etc. hoping that most people will die off before they qualify? I seriously hate this country and it just keeps getting worse and worse all the time and I need to find a new place to live.

The fridge now leaks water and there’s big puddles all over the kitchen  floor and the  one of the toilets won’t flush down all the way and we have to stand there and hold the thingy down until all the water flushes down and I am just so sick of it that everything we HAVE is a sub-standard piece of SHIT, nothing works and is always broken, missing pieces, etc. and we don’t have the $$$ for repairs or to buy new ones. When I said I hate having bad luck too the 17 YR old scoffed, “There’s no such thing as luck!” and I told him, “No, not for ME there isn’t!” and he sneered, “Don’t be superstitious!” I can never “win”.The TV satellite was also off for 9 HRS. and of course it HAD to be when my hubby wasn’t here to fix it!Figures.It’s like I just keep waiting for the next thing to hit.

It bothers me as well my so-called “Christian” friends are so hateful and racist to Muslims and I hate always hearing their crap in the “Name of God” and trying to justify it in the Bible, and it occurred to me if you can pause live TV on the PVR( and I still have no idea how that works) and rewind it, then perhaps time travel really IS possible,and if so I want to go back to the 70’s when I was happy, and I have such debilitating cramps(feels like early labour it’s so bad!) and am doubled over in pain. I HATE Aunt Flow! She’s such a bitch!! Why can’t I just go into menopause already; I don’t need this anymore now I’m done having kids! My boobs are so big too there ‘s always a red, chaffed, and irritated rash underneath them!

My mother still has her bad cough too even cough meds don’t work yet she still refuses to believe me something more is going on here even though the 13 YR old said, “That’s NOT normal!” She must be in denial or something, but it sounds like she’s coughing up a lung and the sounds she makes are just god-awful, I’ve never heard anything like it!

Piece Of Shit.

 For the past week I have noticed a decline in my computer. First it started where every site was slow loading(2-3min each) some worse than others. Then certain sites wouldn’t load at ALL (or partly) and I got messages such as “Website not found” “File not found” “Cannot reach server” “No data received” “Microsoft error reporting”, etc. It increasingly got worse over the week. Yesterday was the worst(and of course it was when my hubby was out of town and not here to fix it): I could only get 4 sites and nothing else, one of the sites I could get on the 8 YR old’s computer but not the others, then shortly even that one was down, too, then it worked on mine for a bit and then it didn’t…..and then ALL the kids computers were down as well!

I KNEW we had a serious problem and I’ve been telling my hubby(who happens to BE a computer systems analyst admin.) that for the past week but he just dismissed it as just MY computer(therefore not important)and ignored it. I kept telling him there was a problem but anything I say is just ignored and dismissed because I’m stupid and don’t know anything anyway. He also said HIS computer was fine and that was all that mattered….until it happened to all the kids’ computers as well(and they practically revolted!) so he FINALLY (after a WEEK of my imploring him) called the Internet service provider….and sure enough they said they have been upgrading for the past WEEK and shutting down servers, so it interrupted our service. I KNEW it wasn’t right and we weren’t getting the service we should.Hopefully now it will be ok (I think they gave us a “boost” as well)as it was soooo frustrating!

As well, the 17 YR old(the one that tells me I’M “ignorant in everything.”) said he just wants to get welfare once finished high school  and not have to go to post secondary or  work and be able to sit home and play his computer games all day but this is NOT acceptable! He HAS to get a further education and a decent job. He will NOT be allowed to waste his life away and be content with being a welfare bum. He certainly won’t be living HERE doing that; he’ll have to get a room somewhere or live under a bridge in a cardboard box like a troll. My hubby doesn’t care and shrugs if that’s the life he wants so be it, but I don’t find it acceptable. I can’t even imagine that’s all he wants out of life and has no interests, goals and is so aimless.It really concerns me!

It’s sad as well to hear Demi Moore is in rehab and has been acting like an eternal teenager; taking drugs, dressing like a teen and a  whore and partying with her daughters in their 20’s, picking up young men in bars, etc. it’s disgusting as well as sad, it’s like she won’t accept getting older(she’s 49) and is desperately trying to be young again.I can understand though(although not the drugs and whore part) wanting to recapture your youth and struggling with getting older. It is sad that she’s sunk down this low and is now in rehab.

We also had a weird day yesterday: freezing rain, then rain, then light snow, complete with big fluffy flakes. We’re supposed to get blowing snow today. I hope so; it’s like we’ve hardly even HAD winter yet and it’s almost Feb! Hubby also found a 70’s theme murder mystery dinner that serves vegetarian food so we got tickets for it. It looks like fun and I remember going to one several years ago.

The Totem Pole.

 We found this awesome wooden 4-5 foot totem pole in the church dump the other day and brought it home. It has detailed carvings and was made in 1955. I don’t know why they’d throw it out! This is an actual photo I took of it. I had trouble figuring out the camera mode(and of course no one was here to help me) and when I pushed buttons and finally  took a picture I tripped over a chair(yes, clumsiness and un co-ordination IS common in Asperger’s and BOTH my mother and I have it) and dropped the camera on the floor and it broke, but luckily was ok in a few minutes but I was shitting bricks, afraid my hubby would freak out, esp. since I DID kill his last camera when I fell into the Caribbean sea off a sailboat with the camera strapped around my neck!

My hubby also lost his DS and he’s worse than the kids; always losing everything; his car keys, pager, wallet, cell phone, etc. he’s an inept fop and it’s so off-putting and he also screamed at me I’m useless and “can’t do anything” because I have a hard time waking up the lazy teens but  he’s such as asshole and I’m just so tired of always being dumped on and wish I was dead; he’s supposed to build me up, NOT tear me down, and him and my mother are the ones that are supposed to love me the most but treat me the worst and make me feel like an abject failure , happiness always  eludes me, and I’m irrepairably broken.

I also had a dream I should move to Singapore and it might not be a bad idea and seems like a nice place I could be happy in. I’ve always hated it here and Singapore is conservative;not immoral and permissive like here, has one of the lowest crime rates(due to strict laws) in the world, is highly urban and big-city,is multi-cultural, exotic, has a nice climate and they speak English. My hubby couldn’t be such a loser there either since if you spit on the sidewalk they fine you 200$! Might not be a bad idea; maybe I should go on a trip there and check it out sometime? The 4 YR old  also steals the other kids’ toys and hides them under his desk. I am seriously concerned about his behaviour but of course my concern is just dismissed by my mother and hubby because nothing *I* say is ever credible or worth listening to or taking seriously. Shit.