1979: Little did I know that when I was 12 that it was the last YR of the best YRS of my life, that once I turned 13 everything would go wrong, it would all fall apart and that I would never know happiness again. I would have happy moments but it’s not the same thing. Once I was 13 the bullying started,the depression started, the blinding headaches started, the weight gain(and life-long struggle with weight) started,the suicide attempt,and when I also realized that I was different and not like other people, that I was ugly, and that I didn’t fit in or belong anywhere.Adulthood would be even worse with a neverending series of traumas that never let up, but when I was 12(and all the YRS leading up to then) I was happy.It was my last YR of being happy and the last YR of my childhood and of life as I knew it.Soon my whole world would change.
I had a happy carefree childhood despite not knowing my father, hardly seeing my mother(maybe that was why) as she was always at work, and being abused; physically by babysitters, emotionally by an aunt,and sexually by a cousin, but in spite of that I was happy. I had friends, I liked my school, I had fun. I wish I could go back to that time; the one time I was happy in life and my life wasn’t marked by despair, lonliness, fear, stress, worry, suicidal thoughts,etc.
When I was 12 we moved into our first house( we lived with relatives before that and in apartments) and I got my first dog, a Beagle.It was also my last YR of summer camp that I loved, my friend Nancy and I played Barbies every day after school and on weekends, I went skating in winter with my friend Denise, I visited relatives, it was my last YR in the school I loved(I was in grade 6) I went skiing, I practiced kissing pillows for my future husband, I was in love with Paul McCartney, I had posters of stars of the day( John Travolta, Erik Estrada, Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garret, Scott Baio,etc.) plastered all over my bedroom walls, I was old enough to decorate the house for Christmas and cook on my own, I had fun in the snow, I anxiously awaited my first period(which wouldn’t come until a YR later) I went swimming and horseback riding every day in the summer, I loved our house,etc. It was a “magical” YR and little did I know that in one short YR it would all come crashing down.It was the end of my innocence, the end of my life before it all fell apart and I would never be the same again. In a way I’m glad I didn’t know what was ahead.Being 12 will forever be frozen in time; a monumental time in my life at the time I didn’t know would end up being so significant and so important.A time to be cherished for the rest of my life; a nostalgic time of happiness and where I didn’t wish every day that I was someone else and that I was dead.
In recent news, our oldest girl was cleaning and her eye swelled up so much it was swollen shut so she’s at the ER, and I wonder if it’s a bug bite, foreign body, or allergy? UPDATE: she’s back now and it was just an allergy.They said to give her Benadryl.We could have done THAT ourselves and saved a unnecessary trip. She’s taking the train back later today too…bad timing, but isn’t it always? Our 17 YR old also refused to take out the garbage when I asked him and then raged I’m an “asshole”, a “douche-bag” and did the “Up Yours!” to me. It pains my heart when he treats me like that,but what can I DO? No punishment ever works. It also hurts because I love him but he hates me.I was also mad that due to redneck football all day yesterday my reg. news report wasn’t on TV and it just gets me so MAD: why can’t they just put that loser crap on the sports channel where it belongs? It’s a pet-peeve of mine. My hubby gave the 4 YR old and the 8 YR old redneck hockey pictures as well I just threw out; I don’t want them being rednecks; they can do so much better.I have designated our house a loser-free zone even though my hubby fights me every step of the way.