The Pastel Pants.

 The 8 YR old has a pair of pastel purple cords like I used to have in grade 8. It brought back memories of my pastel pants: I had them in 4 colours: purple, pink, blue,and yellow. When I first wore the purple ones(my first of the pairs) everyone made fun of me and said they were “gay”( that was the derogatory word of the day and in the 80’s meant anything ugly, lame, or stupid) but then a few short days later I noticed ALL the girls started wearing them; I had started a new fashion trend! At the time it was “brave” of me to do such a thing, incl. wear my “loud” Hawaiian shirt and my silk shirt from China as people were merciless to ANYTHING “different” but I have always had my own style and never followed the crowd.I’m still like that. I shun the world and do my own thing!

As well, now even the 8 YR old is copying how the others treat me and sneered, “You’re the useless one!” and my hubby was mad he had to go get me pop(as I was almost out and he’s the only one that drives) as it’s just something for me so it’s NOT important and just an inconvenience, and it makes me feel like a Second-class citizen,and he sneers that I can “easily be replaced” and he can “just hire someone to homeschool the kids” and I’m weary and embittered with my marginalized status in this family and am unsure which is a better option: divorce or suicide, as I know I need to get away from him and my mother and this toxic environment that destroys my spirit but where do I go and what do I do for money? I can’t live on my own….

The 17 Y old doesn’t shower anymore now either claiming he “hates getting wet” and I wonder if he’s becoming eccentric like Howard Hughes, I heard the gov’t plans to “up” the age requirements to collect old age pension soon from the current age 65 to 67 and I wonder if they’ll just keep “upping” it to 70,75, 80, etc. hoping that most people will die off before they qualify? I seriously hate this country and it just keeps getting worse and worse all the time and I need to find a new place to live.

The fridge now leaks water and there’s big puddles all over the kitchen  floor and the  one of the toilets won’t flush down all the way and we have to stand there and hold the thingy down until all the water flushes down and I am just so sick of it that everything we HAVE is a sub-standard piece of SHIT, nothing works and is always broken, missing pieces, etc. and we don’t have the $$$ for repairs or to buy new ones. When I said I hate having bad luck too the 17 YR old scoffed, “There’s no such thing as luck!” and I told him, “No, not for ME there isn’t!” and he sneered, “Don’t be superstitious!” I can never “win”.The TV satellite was also off for 9 HRS. and of course it HAD to be when my hubby wasn’t here to fix it!Figures.It’s like I just keep waiting for the next thing to hit.

It bothers me as well my so-called “Christian” friends are so hateful and racist to Muslims and I hate always hearing their crap in the “Name of God” and trying to justify it in the Bible, and it occurred to me if you can pause live TV on the PVR( and I still have no idea how that works) and rewind it, then perhaps time travel really IS possible,and if so I want to go back to the 70’s when I was happy, and I have such debilitating cramps(feels like early labour it’s so bad!) and am doubled over in pain. I HATE Aunt Flow! She’s such a bitch!! Why can’t I just go into menopause already; I don’t need this anymore now I’m done having kids! My boobs are so big too there ‘s always a red, chaffed, and irritated rash underneath them!

My mother still has her bad cough too even cough meds don’t work yet she still refuses to believe me something more is going on here even though the 13 YR old said, “That’s NOT normal!” She must be in denial or something, but it sounds like she’s coughing up a lung and the sounds she makes are just god-awful, I’ve never heard anything like it!

2 thoughts on “The Pastel Pants.

  1. I think, if I was in your situation and had to choose between the two, I would choose divorce. I think the worst thing to do is sacrifice your own life (either literally or emotionally) for people that don’t seem to give two shits about you. Would your husband be the type to actually divorce you?

    Do not commit suicide. The fact that you are considering it tells me you really need to get out of that situation, fast.

    Even though you did tell me before why you won’t see a psychiatrist, I’m really thinking it would help to have someone who has enough training, neutrality and removal from your life to be able to help you sort through your problems. Does your priest know about how miserable you are?

  2. Yes, I have talked to my priest but the Church doesn’t approve of either suicide OR divorce, and either option wouldn’t even be considered until the youngest child(who turns 5 soon) has left the house. As for a therapist, several YRS ago we DID separate for a couple of YRS and I saw a psychologist who acted all nice and sympathetic to my face but then betrayed me: secretly going behind my back and telling my lawyer scathing lies about me so my hubby could use them against me in court for custody. That was a huge betrayal and after that I never trusted authorities or therapists again.
    With my Asperger’s I have no life skills anyway(I can’t even understand how to do banking or taxes and need someone to do it for me) and have nowhere to go and no $$$ and can’t survive on my own and before my hubby had mentioned that if I ever did leave he’s just file for bankruptcy so he wouldn’t have to pay alimony and I’d just be out on the street on my own, peniless, so as you can see I am just “stuck!” 😦

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