Do Whatever You Want Day!!

 Today is Do Whatever You Want Day. It is a tradition in our house and only occurs once every 4 YRS, on 29 Feb, in the Leap Year. On this day the kids can basically do whatever they want, the only rules being they can’t hurt anyone or ruin anything. They can stay up late, sleep in late, not do schoolwork, run around naked, moon someone,eat candy and chips in front of my hubby, swear,wear their pyjamas all day,whatever. It ends up being hilariously funny all the things they think of and come up with and they look forward to it.This will be the first one for the 4 YR old! The piano tuner is coming as well so they’ll have to take a break from it for about 2 HRS though while he’s here!

As well,my hubby expects the kids to always get 100% on their schoolwork, no mistakes, and I think it’s unreasonable and too high expectations,too much pressure, and that they’ll burn out,get frustrated and end up hating school.Then when I object he says I want them to be dumb like me, and he doesn’t want them to have holidays or days off either and even assigned them work over March Break(I refuse and said they need a break and are taking the week off whether he likes it or not) and when I objected he sneers I want them to be lazy like I am. He’s such an asshole. The 4 YR old was also mouthing off at me, “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” copying the others and when I scolded him he cried and my mother soothed him “You DIDN’T do anything wrong!”and I corrected her, “Yes, he DID; he was being mouthy!” I NEVER have anyone on my “side!”

Someone also searched “I hate my life and want to kill myself” to find my blog and I feel badly for them; I can certainly identify and sympathize with that and I pray that they’ll be ok, and I’m still thinking about that man at church the other day,too; he must have easily weighed over 400 pounds and he couldn’t even fit sitting in the pews and had to stand the whole time,and couldn’t fit on the kneeling benches either and had to kneel on the floor. I felt sad and sorry for him as he must have mobility  and self esteem issues and be bullied.The poor guy. Things must be so difficult for him.

The Alberta gov’t is  going to make it illegal for homeschoolers to teach their kids that homosexuality is a sin and what I want to know is HOW will they even know WHAT parents are teaching their kids, I mean, are they going to install listening devices into our homes now to spy on us, or what? I think parents have the autonomy from State interference and have the right to teach WHATEVER they want, whether the gov’t likes it or not. There’s a REASON people homeschool; they want to be separate from State intrusion and regulation. Big Brother is trying to ban, and control everything. I don’t recognize that they have ANY authority over us anyway; we do our own thing and are accountable to God and NOT to them!

Rasta.

 I still fondly remember the Rasta(or Rastafari) culture I like and admire, from when I was in the Caribbean. I like their ideals and their Dreadlocks,embracing equality, and love their music(Reggae!)with Bob Marley being the most famous. I have always appreciated other cultures and  the Rastas have a strong faith, believe in the Bible and the Holy Trinity and refer to God as “Jah.”They also believe former Ethiopian Emperior Haile Selassie is a prophet, or even the incarnation of Jesus or even God.They believe Jesus was a Black man as well and I too have always assumed He was dark skinned(as opposed to white) since He WAS Middle Eastern!

The official  Rasta colours are also red, green,and gold(and sometimes black) based on the Ethiopian flag,they aim for “Zion” a Paradise, and re-patriation to Africa and call the immoral West “Babylon”(like mentioned as “Babylon The Great” in the Bible Book of Revelation) to be avoided,and wear “Dreads” following the Nazarite(like John the Baptist and Samson) vow to not cut hair and they shun alcohol and drugs(except marijuana which they consider to be a sacrament; a “sacred herb” that enlightens them and brings them closer to Jah) as harmful to the body and clouding the mind,and many of them are vegetarians,too.It is a culture I find fascinating and that I can respect.

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As well, the birds or squirrels plucked out the kids’ 5 foot tall snowman’s eyes so now it’s “blind”(and we’re supposed to get another 15cm snow tomorrow, so maybe winter’s just really late this YR?) and my hubby’s teaching the kids to play cards(against my objections) and I told him,”Can’t they do something intellectual and cultured instead, like chess, and not something redneck like cards?”(what NEXT? Take them to a casino or a race track?) and he snarled at me(his most-used expression I think) “As usual you DON’T know WHAT you’re TALKING about!”(and so now *I* reply,”As usual YOU’RE being an asshole!”) and I feel more alone with him than I do by myself,and I’m so sick of all the tension, sarcasm, barbs, insults, enmity, caustic remarks,rancor, comebacks, sabotage, etc.  I would have been better off staying single and want my old life back.

I’m disappointed with my life and what I thought I wanted before I now regret and wish I had another life and could change it. To help me be happy I’d also need to: get another Chihuahua, leave Canada, move back to a city,or live at an ashram, but none of these seem too likely to happen and happiness always eludes me and is out of my reach.I hope I DO die before I’m 50(as I’ve always had a feeling I will) and hate to even think I could possibly even live another 30-40 YEARS and this is so depressing I can’t even imagine it.

I also sometimes feel I won’t have the 17 YR old for too long either and I hope it doesn’t mean he’ll die soon or young, and as much as he hurts me I still love him.The 8 and 10 YR olds also had Winter Fun Day at Cubs on the weekend, and there’s an uproar over “accidental” burning of the Koran in Afghanistan and the Americans are clueless as always as to why…..it’s simple; they disrespected their holy book, that’s why! They’re SO ignorant of other cultures and it would be like them burning the Bible…..no, wait….no one even CARES about the Bible and God anymore, let me re-phrase it: it would be like them burning the American flag;how angry and insulted and offended they’d be.Somehow I think if it were reversed they’d know how they feel.Some people just don’t “get” it.

As well I was thinking maybe I’m NOT such a failure as a mother afterall: I mean, none of the kids are in gangs, on drugs, pregnant, in jail, or in trouble with the law. I have successfully homeschooled them(incl. 2 off to university) right from the beginning and all but one of them believe in God and live righteous lives and have strong morals and aren’t lost to the world…..

The Tree Of Life.

 Yesterday I saw the movie “The Tree Of Life”, and I liked it (I like “artsy” films) but it was hard to follow as it kept skipping back and forth and I struggled to grasp the metaphors they used(I’m not too “bright” afterall),and I had to replay a few scenes to understand what was going on and there were a few unanswered questions, such as how did the middle brother die? When did the mother die? What happened to the youngest brother? How did the father end up becoming wealthly to get the huge house they later had? At first I wasn’t even sure WHICH brother had died, whether it was the oldest or the middle one and which of them Sean Penn’s character as a middle-aged man was.I did like the movie and it touched me, esp. the struggles and dynamics of family life.

They said you can live by grace(forgiveness) or by nature(which is harsher) and how you struggle between the two. They say people come and go and things change and life goes on and you can’t protect your kids from bad things happening.(That’s true even though I hate it). It showed the troubled relationship between father and sons.He was strict but I had no doubt he loved his boys. The mother seemed unhappy but she loved her kids as well and was nurturing and kind.She obviously hurt the most when her son died.It showed how the older brother became not so nice yet the middle one remained kind and forgiving. Parts of it made me well up with tears, esp. the struggles they faced and the strained relationships which mirror my own family and the conflicts, hostility and fractured relationships.

It made me think of my own life and my own family as well. Having kids wasn’t what I thought and hoped it would be and it didn’t make me happy like I thought it would. Instead it brought me a whole new level of stress, worry and fear that I didn’t think was even possible. I didn’t know I’d fail at that too and that my kids would hate me. I regret I married the first thing that came along and hate myself for not being able to do any better.(I wanted a family and he was the only guy who ever liked me)I realized that all of my adult traumas were either directly or indirectly caused by my hubby(the custody battle, the fire, our enemy, and a couple of others I can’t speak of or ever mention) and they never would have happened to me if I’d never met him and my life would have been so different.

I’m so tired of all the conflict, hostility, strife, insults, comebacks, snarkiness, abruptness,discord, fighting,barbs, etc.He can’t even speak to me without an angry tone or sounding like he’s inconvenienced or disgusted. I hate the way he dismisses me and is condescending to me. I think his most-used saying to me must be,”As usual you DON’T know WHAT you’re talking about!!” He makes me feel stupid and worthless. One of my biggest regrets is not only marrying him, but that I even ever met him. I want my old life back, the one I had before. I am so unhappy in my life  now that I’d rather die.I would have been better off staying single.

I can’t do what I want and I have to do what I hate.