I’ve always been different than other people. I’ve never gone along with the crowd and have always done my own thing.I have always been on the “outside” looking in,don’t fit in or belong, been ostracized, bullied and left out. I’m just not like everyone else and here’s why:
I am not up to date on pop culture. I recognize some of it but more often than not when I hear names of celebs( actors, singers, comedians, late night hosts, talk shows, award shows,characters in TV shows,etc.) I have NO frickin’ idea who they even ARE!
I am NOT liberal and permissive and don’t agree with society’s morally bankrupt “anything goes” mentality!
I don’t talk on the phone. With my Social Phobia I just can’t; it sends me into a major panic attack.
I don’t like crowds or groups and I could never do public speaking. Even in school I would take a loss on my grade rather than to stand up in front of the class and give a presentation.
I HATE sports! I think it’s uncultured, low-class,for rednecks, and is a meaningless waste of time.
I don’t see the big fuss about Justin Bieber and think his music is so “gay.”
I’m not “Politically Correct.”
I don’t like “American Idol”, “The Bachelor”, “Dancing With The Stars” or any other lame shows like that.
I tan out in the sun.
I don’t watch much TV, only a couple of shows and I hate those lame-o reality shows, soap operas, talk shows, and talent shows!
I don’t have a cell phone, ipod, ipad, etc. and never have.
I rarely buy CD’s, maybe once every 1-2 years.
I have only ever dated 1 person: my hubby.
I go to church weekly.
When I hear “Homer” I think of The Iliad and The Odyssy and not The Simpsons.
I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, or milk.
I have nothing to do with the occult, incl. Harry Potter,Twilight, Hallowe’en, etc..
I don’t gamble: no lottery, casino, BINGO,etc.
I don’t drink tea or coffee.
I have Asperger’s Syndrome, Social Phobia and a host of other disabilities.
I can’t relate to, connect with,trust, get close to, or bond, with other people.
I don’t understand social cues, body language, innuendos,reading between the lines,etc.
I don’t condone, excuse, justify, promote or encourage immorality and sin.
It REALLY freaks me out when balloons pop!
I’m NOT into environmentalism, animal-rights, Political Correctness,or feminism.
I don’t react, process things, understand, see, or relate, the way others do.
I don’t drive.
I don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs.
I hardly eat out at restaurants.
I think PETA sucks!!
I am religious and have high moral standards and strong opinions and I am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in.
I don’t support same-sex “marriage” or agree with abortion.
I don’t believe in daycare.
I homeschool my kids.
I believe in minimal to no gov’t.
I can’t do math.
I hate The Simpsons.
What is easy for others I struggle with.
I can’t follow maps, directions, instructions, or assemble anything.
I still wear fur.
As well, I heard my mother, hubby,and 14 YR old talking “shit” about me behind my back again,there was news and no one told me(I found out by accident) no one “warned” me and were just going to “spring” it on me,and I’m always the LAST to know anything(even though I’m the mother and should be one of the FIRST to know things)and their excuse is that they “don’t want to have to keep hearing me complain”(I’m not even “allowed” to voice an opinion or disagree),and I’m always being told how to feel as well( and that what I feel is “wrong”) and my thoughts, opinions, feelings, needs,concerns,suggestions, and opinions don’t matter or count and are always being ignored and overlooked, and I’m always being dismissed, and I hate always being told what to do and how to feel.My family sucks.
I heard when we die we see our life “flash” before our eyes, like watching a “movie”. People who have had Near Death Experiences have described this and one account I read recently even said that the date AND time is inscribed on it! I am looking forward to this actually, as it will be the closest thing I’ll have to going “back” to, reliving, and revisiting happy times of my past, esp. my happy childhood. It will be nice to return to a happy time and to recreate happy memories, almost like going back in time!
I basically haven’t been happy since I was 12 YRS old. I’ve had happy MOMENTS but it’s not the same thing. You can compare it to my life being a dark, dull, grey,rainy day(many times a fierce storm!) and the odd time I get brief glimpses of sun shining thru, but it never lasts for too long,whereas most people’s lives would be mainly sunny with a few clouds and the odd storm. All I have now are my happy memories and to go back to that time is an exciting prospect. I am really looking forward to it! I also hope to see old friends, family that have died and were a big part of my childhood and incl. in those memories,and maybe even the Chihuahuas I loved the most, Teeniea( one of my first ones; my 3rd one to be exact; the first 2 died within a week of buying them; I suspect from a puppy mill; after that we only bought from breeders not pet stores) and Yuri, my last one.Now I can only re-experience it in my dreams at night but later I can actually “return” to it!
I am eager for Heaven as well, a place where I will be surrounded by love and feel welcomed,accepted, and belonging, unlike how I feel here; always different, ostracized, bullied, unloved, unwelcome, mocked, unwanted, not fitting in. For once I will finally be happy and accepted and feel loved.I won’t be different than everyone else and I will no longer be fat, ugly, or broken.I will be healed. I will be Home.
I can sympathize with Jesus’ sufferings as well; He was beaten, stripped, mocked, spit on, humiliated, betrayed and forsaken, just as I have been. I have been bullied, mocked, spit on, beaten up,humiliated,stripped(of dignity) rejected,betrayed, and victimized in life as well. He has taken all our infirmities ,pain, suffering, and rejection. Every hurt and suffering we have felt He has felt it too. He has also felt fear, pain, loneliness,and rejection.A few YRS ago I also took the exact same path of the long walk in Jerusalem that He took on the way to His Crucifixion and it was so hot I almost passed out a few times and I wasn’t beaten, whipped, dehydrated(ok, well, maybe I WAS dehydrated!) or carrying a heavy wooden Cross like He was,either! It made me understand, sympathize,and be even more grateful. One day I hope to thank Him in Person.
Now it’s mandatory for all students to sing the national anthem in the mornings in school before class and I don’t agree. It shouldn’t be forced. This is another example of social engineering, mass indoctrination,political brainwashing,propaganda, nationalism,and “Dear Leader” emperor-type worship like in countries such as China and North Korea.Some kids don’t want to sing in public as they are bad singers and don’t want to be embarrassed and teased and others(like the Jehovah’s Witnesses, like the 2 friends I had in highschool) refuse to salute a flag or sing a national anthem on religious grounds that worship is to be given to God alone and not to a country, flag, gov’t or any political figure.I think singing it should be optional but you shouldn’t be forced. I think nationalism is a bad idea anyway; it is ideas that this that lead to an “Us VS. them” mentality,and that start divisions and wars.Once again, yet another reason I’m glad(and grateful) that we homeschool! Free from gov’t intrusion!
Speaking of public school, one of my former highschools(I went to 3!) that had a big fire is now being deemed arson and the entire 2nd floor has been destroyed and all 1200 students have been divided among other schools.(So much for my childhood “fantasy” that my school would burn down and I’d get to be off school!) and I can’t say that I’m surprised; it WAS a bad school(probably still is,likely even worse!); I barely survived the one semester there; I was bullied and made fun of daily because I behaved,didn’t cause trouble or talk back to the teachers,did my work, got good grades, and wasn’t bad like the others were; I didn’t have sex(I didn’t even date) or take drugs or spend time in detention or getting suspended.They were such losers!
There is also sort of an re-opening of the abortion debate in the gov’t: a member has brought up a bill to redefine when a person is “officially” deemed a “human being”and entitled to protection and rights under the law, which we all know is at conception even though the pro-aborts would like you to think otherwise(even though by the time you even find out you’re prego the baby’s heart is already beating!!) and always say that woman’s right to “choose”( choose to KILL her baby, that is!)is more “important” that the baby’s right to LIVE, to LIFE, but why should an innocent defenseless baby have to DIE just because some selfish slut can’t stop spreading her legs?Because the baby’s LIFE is less important than HER education, HER career, her bar-hopping, her nightclubbing, pub crawling,man trolling, etc?She should have thought of that before! Society has the disposable mentality and it’s wrong. Its inconvenient to me so I’ll just get rid of it.The most vulnerable in society need legal rights and protection and who is MORE defenseless than a baby?The mother should be the one to protect it, NOT kill it! I hope it passes; that it defines life begins at conception and that the pre-born baby WILL be protected under the law.A person’s a person, no matter how small. I mean,it’s NOT legal to kill your spouse, your rival, your boss, your enemy, the guy you held up at the 7-11, your neighbour, etc. so WHY is it legal to kill your BABY? I hope abortion will be made illegal, and that ALL forms of murder will be illegal and ALL life will be protected under the law! To not do so is a sin against God and a sin against humanity.
The provincial gov’t is now a Liberal minority as well but one of the members was promoted(by the Liberals of course) leaving a vacant spot….and if the person who ends up elected is a Liberal then the corrupt fuckers will have a MAJORITY gov’t! God forbid! They are bad enough as a minority,and I was hoping they would be overthrown and an election called to be rid of them for good! I can only hope that a Conservative or an NDP will take the place and the under-handed scheming Liberals will NOT be able to weasel their way into a Majority! I SO hate this country!
I also found out that my hubby’s nephew’s 2 YR old son has leukemia; the same thing our now 14 YR old had when he was 7! It makes me seriously wonder if there’s some genetic link; I mean, what are the odds? So of my hubby’s 4 nephews(who are all brothers) 2 of them have lost children and now this one has cancer,too.I feel so badly for them as I KNOW what it’s like, how terrifying it is, what a nightmare it is, how it’s like riding a roller coaster; ups and downs, you have good days and you have bad days but it is a difficult journey filled with fear, worry, stress, and uncertainty.I wouldn’t wish that on anybody but I hope our son’s survival will give them promise and hope, and we can support them along the way as we’ve been there.
What is the best compliment you ever received?
– When old ladies in church tell me that I “have a lovely family” and that the “kids are so well behaved.”
How do you feel about yourself compared to in your 20’s?
– I’m older, fatter, greyer, saggier,and wrinklier now.
What body part do you love?
– My bald head.
What body part drives you crazy?
– Everything but mostly my belly flab and rolls, buffalo butt, thunder thighs,huge boobs and Bingo wings.
When do you feel the most beautiful?
– Never. If I was someone else.
How has your body changed since you gave birth?
– I am 70 pounds heavier, have stretch marks, saggy boobs that hang down to my waist,and a floppy “Shar-Pei” belly.
Do you still have make up that you should have thrown out?
– Yes, I even found stuff I still had from the 1980’s, incl. Seabreeze cleanser, Cachet lotion, Love’s Baby Soft spray, Egyptian Earth powder, and eyeshadows.
How does your husband prefer you?
Do you ever leave your house without make up?
-Most of the time, except I only put my “face” on for church and special occasions, but if I just go to Walmart or for a doctor’s app’t I go bare-faced.
What are your beauty secrets?
– Washing my face morning and night with Noxzema, use moisturizer on face and body, coconut oil after a bath, rub cucumber on my face, and steam my facial pores standing over a pot of boiling water on the stove.
What’s in your bag?
– Credit cards, a couple of left-over Euros,pen,coins, lip balm, shopping lists, mini calender for app’ts, Kleenex,a tampon,and cough drops.
What are your beauty tricks?
– Concealer under my eyes to cover the dark “bags” and a dab of white eyeshadow in the inner corners of my eyes to brighten them.
When is the first time you wore make up?
– My cousin painted my nails when I was 5 or 6 with either clear or pearl pink polish, but make up not until grade 9 but stopped wearing it in grade 11 and 12 and I first dyed my hair when I was in grade 9.
As well, I saw Deepak Chopra said “Negativity is born in the gap where love has been excluded” and that just about sums up my entire LIFE, I feel queasy and my belly feels “full” and crampy so I expect another gallbladder attack coming on again and I FINALLY got an app’t to see my new family doc next week and my mom sneers, “Make sure to tell her you’re clumsy too and that there’s something wrong with you!”She even said to ask if they have PILLS for clumsiness(esp. since I’m always getting hurt),even though it’s common in Asperger’s and my perception problem! The pool guy came again to see about fixing the tiles and even though it’ll cost thousands of $$$ my hubby says we have to get it done and he’ll just “borrow” the $$$ from his home-business profits to pay for it.
The gov’t is also trying to ban tanning beds for people under 18 I think is too Big-Gov’t and Nanny State; it should be up to the PARENTS and not the gov’t, always so quick to regulate, control,and ban everything, and my mom and the now 16 YR old will be going to the Caribbean in November and I bet she’ll do the same thing on the trip she does here; just wear black and spend all day in the cabin! I don’t get it either how every DAY I uproot dandilions yet there’s STILL lots more the next day even though I get them all daily; it’s like they magically appear overnight!
Last night was Redneck Night at BOTH Cubs and Cadets; loser bowling AND sports night; and nothing says “redneck” like bowling and sports; it was a real yee-haw hoe-down(the only thing this hick town is capable of),and the only thing even more low-class is hockey and wrestling!My hubby also watches redneck hockey when I’m in bed and sneered,”That’s when the REAL fun begins!” and says about me muting loser sports on the news,”THAT’S why I don’t like watching TV with you!” and I told HIM,” and I hate it that YOU’RE a redneck!” He’s so uncouth and uncultured too(he was brought up in a barn!) that he doesn’t even have the courtesy to use the deoderizing spray after he goes to the bathroom,either ,and thinks everyone likes his shit smell! He’s an inconsiderate disgusting PIG.I hate him.
My hubby also always makes fun of me and thinks I’m dumb because I don’t understand how to use a cell phone(it’s too complicated for me) and is condescending all the time to me and talks “down” to me about EVERYTHING: “What part of(insert topic here) DON’T you understand?”(and says he’s “tired of always having to explain everything” to me) and I reply,”What part of I’m NOT too smart, have Asperger’s, and need things to be explained several times do YOU not understand?”He’s such a prick and I’m just so miserably unhappy but I can’t live on my own,either, so I’m just trapped. I wish I knew what to do. I wish there was another option.My heart just hurts and aches so much I’m surprised you can’t literally die of a broken,lonely, shattered heart.
One of my former highschools also had a big fire,and now I know why it didn’t work out about me going to the ashram in India like I had planned: I was to be gone all of June and now my surgery’s going to be in June and maybe if I had waited longer my gallbladder might have ruptured by then? I also checked out(just for fun) the cost of gallbladder removal surgery in USA and it was a whopping 30 000$ to 50 000$! I flipped! We could never afford that,and if we lived there I’d just have to suffer and hope it doesn’t rupture, and our now 14 YR old would have died when he had leukemia 7 yRS ago as well as we couldn’t have afforded his treatment, either! How can people possibly AFFORD that? I saw somewhere that about half of Americans DON’T have health insurance coverage either and it’s just NOT right that people have to DIE because they can’t afford medical care or surgery! It’s like in a Third World country, and medical care is a basic human right,and as much as this country still does suck,at least we DO have medical care for everyone, regardless of income!
The surgeon’s office also called and said my soon-to-be new family doc’s office rejected the fax(of my file) he sent them, saying I’m not her patient….even though they’d told US I will be once they open in May and that it’ll still be ok for him to send the fax in the meantime,so we called them again but they never answered and never called back. They are SO unprofessional and unreliable. I think we’ll just have to forget it and start all over again looking for another doctor.We’ll contact the gov’t health agency that referred me and have them refer me to someone else. This is just ridiculous.
I’m just so tired of my life,my unhappiness, my misery, my everything. We can never have things just be ok and there’s been so many hurts, traumas, stresses,tragedies, betrayals,(even a reality show wouldn’t believe it!) etc. that I’ve never shared on this blog(or with anybody);secrets so dark, so deep,that no one outside of the family even knows about that shook our lives, destroyed our ability to ever trust or to feel safe again,turned our world upside-down,forever changed,and scarred us,and life as we once knew it was over and will never be the same again. Some scars are so deep that they can never heal.