Redneck Night.

 Last night was Redneck Night at BOTH Cubs and Cadets; loser bowling AND sports night; and nothing says “redneck” like bowling and sports; it was a real yee-haw hoe-down(the only thing this hick town is capable of),and the only thing even more low-class is hockey and wrestling!My hubby also watches redneck hockey when I’m in bed and sneered,”That’s when the REAL fun begins!” and says about me muting loser sports on the news,”THAT’S why I don’t like watching TV with you!” and I told HIM,” and I hate it that YOU’RE a redneck!” He’s so uncouth and uncultured too(he was brought up in a barn!) that he doesn’t even have the courtesy to use the deoderizing spray after he goes to the bathroom,either ,and thinks everyone likes his shit smell! He’s an inconsiderate disgusting PIG.I hate him.

My hubby also always makes fun of me and thinks I’m dumb because I don’t understand how to use a cell phone(it’s too complicated for me) and is condescending all the time to me and talks “down” to me about EVERYTHING: “What part of(insert topic here) DON’T you understand?”(and says he’s “tired of always having to explain everything” to me) and I reply,”What part of I’m NOT too smart, have Asperger’s, and  need things to be explained several times do YOU not understand?”He’s such a prick and I’m just so miserably unhappy but I can’t live on my own,either, so I’m just trapped. I wish I knew what to do. I wish there was another option.My heart just hurts and aches so much I’m surprised you can’t literally die of a broken,lonely, shattered heart.

One of my former highschools also had a big fire,and now I know why it didn’t work out about me going to the ashram in India like I had planned: I was to be gone all of June and now my surgery’s going to be in June and maybe if I had waited longer my gallbladder might have ruptured by then? I also checked out(just for fun) the cost of gallbladder removal surgery in USA and it was a whopping 30 000$ to 50 000$! I flipped! We could never afford that,and if we lived there I’d just have to suffer and hope it doesn’t rupture, and our now 14 YR old would have died when he had leukemia 7 yRS ago as well as we couldn’t have afforded his treatment, either! How can people possibly AFFORD that? I saw somewhere that about half of Americans DON’T have health insurance coverage either and it’s just NOT right that people have to DIE because they can’t afford medical care or surgery! It’s like in a Third World country, and medical care is a basic human right,and as much as this country still does suck,at least we DO have medical care for everyone, regardless of income!

The surgeon’s office also called and said my soon-to-be new family doc’s office rejected the fax(of my file) he sent them, saying I’m not her patient….even though they’d told US I will be once they open in May and that it’ll still be ok for him to send the fax in the meantime,so we called them again but they never answered and never called back. They are SO unprofessional and unreliable. I think we’ll just have to forget it and start all over again looking for another doctor.We’ll contact the gov’t health agency that referred me and have them refer me to someone else. This is just ridiculous.

I’m just so tired of my life,my unhappiness, my misery, my everything. We can never have things just be ok and there’s been so many hurts, traumas, stresses,tragedies, betrayals,(even a reality show wouldn’t believe it!) etc. that I’ve never shared on this blog(or with anybody);secrets so dark, so deep,that no one outside of the family even knows about that shook our lives, destroyed our ability to ever trust or to feel safe again,turned our world upside-down,forever changed,and scarred us,and life as we once knew it was over and will never be the same again. Some scars are so deep that they can never heal.

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