Schemas.

 According to psychology there are 11 types of schemas; that is, compulsions to repeat self-destructive behaviour that has been engrained in us from our childhoods and traumas in life. I was surprised to see that I have 10 out of the 11, not surprising I guess considering the extreme amount of traumas and misfortunes I have had to endure and how my life has made me bitter, broken, damaged,shattered,anxious,fearful,and unable to function independently.

Here are the 11 schemas:

1. Emotional deprivation: It represents emotional emptiness- nothing’s ever enough.

For me, I am always looking to the next thing that I hope will make me happy; always searching for the elusive thing that will fulfill me but I never do.

 

2. Vulnerability: It represents constant anxiety and fea that catastrophe could strike at any time.

With me, since most of my life HAS been endless trauma and misfortune I am always on “edge” waiting for the next disaster to hit because it always does.

 

3. Subjugation: It makes you feel that everyone’s trying to control you,even as you hand over control willingly to please others.

I have never been able to live on my own or survive without someone to take care of me, largely in part due to my Asperger’s and Social Phobia. My mother and husband also have me trapped in a cycle of emotional abuse that I am powerless to escape as I can’t function on my own so I can’t leave and have no money, no job or life skills,and nowhere to go.My family hates me and treats me like shit but I’m helpless and trapped.

 

4. Mistrust and abuse: It makes relationships feel dangerous and unreliable, thanks to childhood abuse or betrayal.

I was never loved, wanted, or shown affection as a child.I was unloved by my parents, abused by caregivers, molested by a relative, ostracized and bullied by my peers,and betrayed by family and friends. Due to this and other traumas I have grown up not being able to truly ever trust or feel safe or relaxed with anyone, unable to bond, connect with, or relate to other people. I was never loved so I never learned how to love.

 

5. Abandonment: It makes people clingy, jealous,possessive and obsessed with holding on, due to childhood abandonment.

As a child my father left when I was 2 and I never saw him again. My mother always worked and passed me off onto daycare and babysitters(incl. abusive ones) from age 6 weeks. I was never shown affection and have been rejected in life: by my parents, by my peers and by anyone I’ve ever loved.My mother even admitted that she doesn’t love me.I feel I am not worthy of love.

 

6. Defectiveness: It makes people feel defective and self critical, thanks to overly critical parents.

I was never praised or told I was loved and was never hugged or kissed as a child.(my mother even told me once, “I thought more of you when you were thin than when you were fat!”) I was bullied in school due to my looks and to this day I have zero self esteem and hate myself and wish I was someone else.

 

7. Entitlement:It makes people think they’re special so they can do whatever they want; they’re demanding and controlling, they lack empathy and guilt and they get very angry when others don’t co-operate.

This is the only one I don’t have; I have never been “entitled” or made to feel special or important. I have always been told the opposite my entire life: how ugly, stupid,and worthless I am, how everything’s always MY fault, how I’m inferior and not as good as others. I have always come last in life.

 

8. Dependence: It makes people feel inadequate(thanks to overbearing parents) so they fear they can’t make it on their own and hold on at all costs,even if it means putting up with abuse and deprivation.

I will always be dependent as I can’t survive on my own. My mother was always over bearing and controlling and critical. I  still need help with everything and struggle in life. I can’t even do basic skills like banking, taxes, buying groceries, talking on the phone, or paying bills.

 

9. Failure: it makes people sabotage themselves, fear of failure keeps them from trying.

I have failed at everything in life and have never been able to compete with other people(for jobs, for instance) and am never chosen above others.There’s nothing I can do well and my entire life has been a failure.

 

10. Unrelenting standards: It creates high achievers, nothing’s ever good enough so there’s always pressure to excel.

This one’s pretty self explanatory. I can be a perfectionist.

 

11.Social exclusion:it makes people constantly compare themselves to others and fear judgement, they think they don’t fit in and often end up feeling lonely.

I KNOW I don’t fit in and am different than others. I have always been left out and the scapegoat. I have been victimized, ridiculed and an outsider my entire life due to my looks, Asperger’s and other limits. I am always on the outside looking in.

 

Well, I guess I’m even more screwed up than I thought. My life and life experiences has damaged me to such a degree I am unfixable.Shit.

How about YOU?

 

Thanx to “Viva” magazine for the info.