Shit!!

 Shit. I knew it. It figures. Yesterday the pool guys came to start on the tiles but of course something HAD to go wrong(like it always DOES for US!!) they wouldn’t stick and they kept slipping and falling off, so the pool guys got pissed off, gave up and left. A few HRS later 8 of them returned and the put wood “ledges” to hold the tiles up(until the glue “sets)) and managed to get a good part of one side done. Of course it’s storming all day today, so once again the work (and the progress) has been set back yet again. I’m so SICK of nothing ever just going right for us or working out. My mother says we should just forget it and close the pool up. We’d hoped to have the repairs done and have it open the end of May and we’ll be lucky if it is the end of June….and it’s so hot we really miss swimming and cooling off!!

As well, now following my surgery I can sit up but I still can’t lay on my right side or bend over. It’s still sore(mainly on the inside) and hurts more when I first wake up(after moving around in bed?) and before I go to bed at night(from moving all day?) and 2 of my “Steri strips” have come off and the ones that remain I can take off using water after a week, which will be on Thurs.

I also mentioned how when I was a kid I was  a “freak”, different than all the other kids because back in the 70’s I was the ONLY kid that DIDN’T have a father(and didn’t even know where he was and haven’t seen him since I was 2) and who also had no siblings and the only one who had a working mother! I never had a chance! I was so lonely, rejected and abandoned,and ostracized and bullied as well, I never knew my father, never saw my mother, and was raised by strangers in daycare and had no one to play with, a lonely only child,and my mother hissed that ,”It’s not MY fault!”(actually, it WAS) and I told her, “Well it wasn’t MY fault, either! I was just a KID,and I didn’t do anything to ‘ask’ for it or to ‘deserve’ it!”Then she snickered, “I bought you EVERYTHING you WANTED!” and I told her I didn’t want THINGS; I wanted TIME! She still just doesn’t “get” it.Then she smirked, “Are you going to punish me with this for the rest of my LIFE until I DIE?” Well, *I’M* punished with it the rest of MY life until *I* die…but with her it’s somehow never HER fault, always someone else’s, usually mine. So now not only was I always the odd one out, now it’s MY fault for it,TOO? She honestly doesn’t see the damage it caused and how she was responsible for it, and to top it off, she’s not even remorseful, takes no responsibility,and has no regrets.It’s still MY fault for being affected by it and not hers for creating the situation!

I have also been hurt and betrayed by everyone I have ever loved and trusted as well: family, friends, professionals. authorities, people who are supposed to be helping…..and now people wonder WHY I DON’T trust anyone anymore?

Shit!