Father’s Day.

 Today is Father’s Day and it has always been a day that feels “alien” and “foreign” to me. It was hard for me growing up without a father and I have no idea what life with one would be like and I just can’t relate to having one and why people think it’s so special or why it’s even really that necessary. Father’s Day was always a hard holiday for me growing up as well as in school we always had to make Father’s Day cards and it made me so uncomfortable and of course I didn’t HAVE a father to make it for or to give it to( I was the ONLY kid without a father as well, this was in the 1970’s remember) which made it twice as bad. I ended up giving the card I was forced to make to my grandfather but it wasn’t the same thing. There were always the difficult questions that came along with it as well, “Where is he?” “How can you not know where he is?” “Why don’t you have a father?” “Why did they spilt up?” “That’s so weird!”etc.Questions that made me uncomfortable, feel ashamed and different,and that I didn’t have answers to. I always hated and dreaded Father’s Day as well, also a hurtful in-your-face reminder of what I didn’t have that everyone else did, another reminder that I was different. When people talked about their fathers  they might as well have been talking about some alien cultural thing, as it was so far removed from me I just couldn’t understand it or relate to it in any way and wondered why it was so important to have a father. I don’t think I’ll ever “get” it.

We have Father’s Day here for my hubby, but it still feels uncomfortable to me to this day and I don’t see what all the big “fuss” is all about. He’s also an asshole that treats me like shit so I can’t understand why there’s a day to celebrate someone like that yet I’m expected to put on this happy face and act all excited and treat him like he’s some sort of king or something when I really don’t feel it and it feels so phony and forced. Whenever I say or ask something, for example, he yells, “Wait your TURN!” and can’t even take a precious 2 min. out of whatever he’s doing to answer me and the problem is I never have a turn and always come last. He always demeans, devalues,and dismisses me as well and is condescending and talks down to me like I’m a child and treats me like I’m an annoying unwanted burden.He lets the 13 YR old bully the 9 YR old as well and says she “makes it up” when I SEE and HEAR him DO it, and he always puts HIS redneck loser past times and hobbies above stuff for the rest of the family and what he wants always comes first.

Like I said, Father’s Day and fathers aren’t things I can relate to or understand, and that make me feel awkward, out of the loop, uncomfortable, and an experience I’ve missed out on my entire life and have never been included in. I don’t necessarily know if I was at a disadvantage NOT having a father(I just know I felt like a freak) as I don’t know what it’s like to have one,and I don’t know anything else,and have nothing to compare it to, but it’s like a whole different world I have never been part of and have no concept of.Naturally I think mothers are more important anyway simply because they’re the ones that carry, give birth to, and feed the babies and have a more important role to play and share a closer bond.

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As well, we got the pool filed and it came in this huge, loud, rumbling truck that looks like an oil tanker( I think it woke up the entire neighbourhood!).It had to make 7 trips, and took 4 1/2 HRS to fill and it took 12 minutes to empty each  truck of water. The pool took a total of 119 000 litres! We had a bit of a problem getting the pool pump to work as well but then it finally did, but also shot out this disgusting green stuff that smelled like a huge fart(the anti-freeze in the skimmers from winter)and shot the water jets clear across the pool with the force, and the 9 YR old was the first to swim in the pool this YR, followed by me 2 min. later and then later in the day we had another swim as well with more of the kids.I was lucky I got 2 swims in before “Aunt Flow” showed up,4 days late.Ugh.

My hanging plant also fell, went crashing to the ground and broke(why is it ALWAYS MY stuff?) and I was naturally upset but my hubby was disgusted and scolded me for being upset but HE didn’t care because it was just something of mine and not HIS, and we went to a mall and got the 9 YR old’s ears pierced( cost 63$!) but for some stupid reason they wanted me to have photo ID which of course I didn’t HAVE with me(I didn’t think I’d need it to get ears pierced; I never did when I had mine done and we didn’t last YR either in the Caribbean where we got the 10 YR old’s done) and they didn’t accept my photo credit card; it had to be a gov’t issue card and I don’t HAVE a driver’s license, have the old health card version without the photo,and I left my passport at home(why do things ALWAYS have to be so difficult for us and can’t just work out and go easy?) but luckily my hubby has HIS driver’s license, but we had spilt up and gone separate places to shop and I don’t have a cell phone so I had to find 2 quarters and find a pay phone and call him and tell him where to meet us!

I also had a dream I visited a friend in Ireland and the weird thing is she told me that SHE also had the SAME dream, that I visited her, about Nik Wallenda’s walk across Niagara Falls,and one that there was  a fire at a senior’s centre, and that a big white jumbo jet crashed into a smaller blue plane,and another dream about “The Big Bang Theory” TV show characters! I tried to order something online (as they don’t have them here; we don’t get shit in this country!!) as well but they don’t ship to Canada(alot of places don’t; this country sucks!)likely due to high tariffs, and so we had it shipped to a friend’s in USA and he’ll re-ship it to us!