My Fault.

 I have had enough. I don’t know how much more I can take of this shit in my life. My hubby and mother are always blaming everything on me and my mother sneered “because everything IS your fault!” then she rips into me I “ignore” the 5 YR old( like how SHE ignored ME as a kid?) but I don’t,  and “always say he’s bad”(because he IS)punishing him, and that I’m a “bad mother”(if I AM I learned it from HER) and that he’s bad like how I’m negative, that he “can’t help it” and “his life made him that way” even though he HASN’T had all the rejection, bullying, being ostracized, traumas, misfortunes, victimization and blame in life that I have and she’s just excusing him as always,and no one cares that HE gives ME so much trouble and grief, either; everything’s always MY fault and I’m sick of it and of always being blamed and then she snickers that I want to kill myself every time I’m criticized…, I want to because I’m sick of always being blamed and I can’t keep living like this.

She even said it was my fault and blamed me that I was abused by a babysitter as a child because, get this, because I didn’t tell anyone! I was a KID for God’s sake and abused kids usually DON’T tell,and besides, the sitter threatened if I DID tell anyone that she’d KILL me and I was a scared little kid and all I knew was that I had to go there every day after school and she DID beat me up so she probably WOULD kill me if I said anything! I can’t believe she’d even blame me for THAT too,and when you get right down to it, it was HER fault for SENDING me to babysitters in the first place instead of taking care of me HERSELF like she should have!But then again, nothing’s ever HER fault, always mine.Go ahead and blame the victim.

My discipline of the kids is always being over-ruled and undermined by both  her and my hubby as well and with the 5 YR old if he’s bad and I punish him, for example, say take away TV or the computer, if he does a ca-ca in the toilet(he usually still goes in his pants) my hubby OVER TURNS the punishment so basically he figures he can hit, pinch, kick, bite, etc. people and as long as he  goes to the bathroom in the toilet he can get away with it. It’s insane but I’m powerless to stop it or to do anything about it as I have no “say” and no authority and when I do punish him they say I’m “mean” and I “Pick on” him,too. Somehow it’s always MY fault. All the traumas in my life have caused me to develop a “siege” mentality as well, always living watchfully, warily expecting the unexpected and waiting for the next attack,and I’m so miserably unhappy with my hubby and mother I’d rather be dead than to stay with them but with my Asperger’s I also can’t survive on my own either and have no money, life or social skills and will always be dependent, which they use against me to hold power over me,threaten and blackmail me, to emotionally abuse me and beat me down, to over-power and silence me, to dismiss, demean, devalue, and degrade me, and when I complain they tell me if I don’t like it then to move out, knowing full well that I can’t and that I have no money, no skills,and nowhere to go and am always at their mercy.They use money as power and control over me,too.They also say that I have a “good life” and that “others have it much worse” and that I “should be grateful and not complain”, etc. as if I don’t even have the right to feel the way  I do, not even validating the way I rightfully feel.

I’m not even allowed to complain, show displeasure, anger,resentment, unhappiness, or frustration either, otherwise they attack and blame me for THAT too,even saying how I react is “wrong” and unacceptable, even how I FEEL is wrong and blamed and they say I’M the problem for GETTING upset, instead of themselves for always blaming me and treating me like shit. I have been kicked down, beaten down emotionally and squashed of any self-esteem or self-worth that there’s nothing left of me anymore and one event in time can change your life forever but I have had so many; so many hurts, traumas, misfortunes, betrayals,PTSD, etc. that I’m nothing but an empty “shell” now,and they even criticize and blame me for BEING depressed,suicidal, and pessimistic due to what my life has taught me, and they are 2 of my biggest stressors but also the stressors I’m unable to eliminate.When I cry out for help they dismiss me and only make it worse and then accuse me of using suicide threats to “manipulate” THEM and to get my own way when really I just want them to know how serious and  desperate it is, how things have to change or one day I WILL finally do it as I honestly see no other way out and I just want OUT of this shitty life, out of this family, out of this blame and pain.There are no other options; what would I DO? Where would I GO? What would I do for money?

I’m so miserably unhappy, bereft, broken and damaged….but, yup, you guessed it….that’s my fault,too.