Daily Musing.

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Fail.

 With my mother laid up in bed for 3 days I had to do all the work myself(hers and mine); 2 people’s work all on my own and it was overwhelming and too much all for one person and she crowed,”You DO need me!” rubbing it in my face, but it’s not necessarily HER specifically, just someone else to help, to divide up the work(I could hire someone to help out,too, it would be the same thing) it’s just that it’s all too much for one person,(and I resent  her for leaving me to do everything by myself too;it’s too much) but my family acts like because I’m not capable of running the house and doing all the work all on my own without any help  that I’m useless and incapable and because I need help that I’m “lazy” but that because my mother needs help that she’s “old” and “it’s called helping out” and the kids said that they missed her but when I’m not here they don’t miss me, and the 13 YR old said SHE “does all the background work….and all the front ground work,too” implying I do nothing,and am merely a background character,and it’s hurtful. They treat me like I’m a piece of furniture and I’m sick of it.

The 2 oldest also left after a brief visit,and went back as they have to get ready for school, and  the other kids are so eager for our homeschooling year to start  that they’ve already started working ahead on their lessons on their own(the 9 YR old’s already up to page 29!) and my hubby’s mad and yelling at me that I’m lazy that I’m not marking it yet and waiting until I officially start school on Tuesday(I’ll check it then) but I’m still on my summer vacation,but I’m not starting until next WK, and all I ever wanted in life was to have kids; it was my dream and I even failed at that,too, and regret it and now I wish I never did.My whole life is a failure and disappointment and I was better off before: before when I was single, before  I settled for my hubby and had kids and all the traumas(all related to him and them; if I’d never met him or had kids they never would have happened,either) started; before having a family was all I wanted(but I didn’t know it would be like this,either or I would have changed my mind) and now I can’t wait to get away from them. I was happy before and  now I have a miserable life; my kids hate me and disrespect me and treat me like shit, I have an unhappy loveless marriage and am emotionally abused,I feel trapped and defeated,I live in a place I hate but can’t afford to move,and I wish I had someone else’s life, or at least the life that I had before.My spirit has been destroyed.

Epic fail.

Coming Out Of My Shell.

 When I was in Toronto the other day it felt was coming out of my shell. It was like the Social Phobia “disappeared” for a day.I felt at home in the city I grew up in, like I was back in my happy past,and I didn’t panic in the crowd of people,wandering on my own in the throngs of people, and I was able to easily chat with the vendors at the “Ex”  and it was a blessing…but once I returned back home again it was back.The same thing happens when I travel overseas; it’s like I’m someone else, or at least the person I used to be when I’m away from this place and this life; like I’m temporarily another person,like I was who I used to be before the traumas and Social Phobia began, and can for a short period return there, like re-winding to my old life briefly,as if this house and this town makes me physically, emotionally, mentally,and spiritually sick and is slowly killing me and when I get away from it I’m an entirely different person; I come out of my shell and I flourish,prosper,and grow. For a short period of time I can escape my hated prison, like a parole from my miserable existance and life and I can be happy and not feel held back and suppressed,like a bird set free from it’s cage. It’s suffocating, smothering,stifling,and oppressing me here. More than anything in the world I wish I could go back to the past, to the life I had and the person I once was ,to a time when I was happy, to go back to the time before 1988, before I met my hubby(I despise him so much I can’t even stand to look at him; he’s ruined my life,caused most of my traumas, and I’m so miserably unhappy with him and resent the way he treats me) and everything all fell apart. I wish I was someone else or at least who I was.

With my mother incapacitated I also have to do everything myself (it’s too much work for just 1 person)and it’s too much and everyone’s yelling at me because I can’t  do it all myself (and no one’s helping me)and without her shopping for groceries we also ran out of food,and the 17 YR old jeers that I’m “lazy”and “dumb” when all HE does is play video games all day,and he says I “always whine” when it’s just the way I talk, and my hubby couldn’t be bothered to drive to the pharmacy to pick up my pills’ prescription re-newal either and with these ones you can’t run out and suddenly stop or else I can have seizures(but he doesn’t care; he probably HOPES I die) and when I said “You think you know everything and I know nothing!” he snarked,”At least we both agree!” and I wish as well as helping stabilize my moods I wish my pills would fix my broken heart as well,and when I see couples in love and happy marriages I envy it and wonder why can’t I have that,too? Why did I have to miss out and be so unhappy? What did I ever do to deserve this? I was better off before, when I was single,and I wish I never met him or had kids, and wish I could go back to my old life, and now I can understand WHY my cousin walked away from her family all those YRS ago.Maybe she was so broken and destroyed like I am too and was dying inside and it was either walk away or end up dead…

I am grateful for those few times I can come out of my shell and get a rare glimpse of what life used to be like for me, what happiness can be like, and what I wish I had, and what I could have if I wasn’t stuck here with this life in this place that I hate.One day I can only hope to escape for good and have it full time….

Let’s Go To The Ex!

Yesterday we went to the CNE (The “Ex”) in Toronto.It was a long drive and we were gone all day and it’s was lots of walking and we’re tired but we had fun. My hubby decided to take the long way though,not listening to me when I said to take Lake Shore Blvd. instead, even though I grew up there and went to the Ex several times every summer and  went across the city on my own; he thinks he knows everything and I know nothing and talks down to me like I’m a dumb little kid. He also says I “whine” because I get tired and hurt and have to keep going to the bathroom. I liked being back in the city and I missed it and wish I could move back again except we couldn’t afford to live there now. I wish I could go back to the past. I wish I had my old life back. I was happy once and I wish I could go back to that time.I have so many fond memories I wish I could relive.

My hubby took the kids and they went on the rides(they didn’t play the games as it’s gambling which is a sin and they’re also a waste of $$$) and I looked in the buildings and then we’d meet up again for meals. I got peacock feathers, a cool backpack with rubber “spikes” on it, and a hippo carved out of wood. I also saw 3 shows(I had to keep sitting): an acrobat troupe from China(like the kind you’d see at a circus) a folk dance troupe from Russia(it reminded me of when I was there and saw  similar performances) and they did Cossack dancing, . and a ballerina as well,and a Gypsy Jazz trio.One of them looked like a guy I used to like too; very Bohemian; he had a little beard, long hair put back in a ponytail and wore a beret(that’s the kind of guy I SHOULD be with and not the redneck I ended up with) and they were the kind of band you could picture playing in a little bistro in Quebec City! I liked being back in the city seeing the diversity and multiculturalism there as well; seeing people from all different cultures, and I wished they’d sold puppies at the Ex and if they’d had Chihuahuas I would have bought one and just brought it home and then there would be nothing my mother and hubby could have done!

We had a good day,even though it was long and tiring and alot of walking and driving.I’m going to bed now! I ache all over!