Converse Hi-Tops.

 I tried to order these Converse Hi-Tops with the British Union Jack design on them but of course(as always) for me it didn’t work out. They don’t ship to Canada so we used the American mailing address we use then they re-ship it to us, but then we found out they don’t take international credit cards either( only USA based) so tried Paypal but I needed my hubby’s password(as it’s his re-ship account) and he gave me the wrong password(he “forgot”) so then I had to request a new password and to re-set they needed his checquing account info and he refused to give me one of his cheques or to even tell me where they were so I could do it and he got in my face snarling and raging mad, yelled, “Get LOST!” his face red with anger and he almost hit me. I went off crying, tired of always being dismissed, never helped, and treated like shit and of anything for me not mattering and me always coming last. My mother then blames ME and says *I* treat HIM like shit for calling him an asshole for treating ME like shit! She blames me for being mad, for hating and resenting my life and being fed up the way I’m always demeaned, devalued, and dismissed, and said I’M THEIR biggest stressor( actually they’re MINE and I have no escape!) even though they don’t have high BP like I do(and it shot up to 183/92) and that THEY don’t stress me out; *I* stress MYSELF out, etc. as always putting the blame on me, I’m so tired of always being shit on in life, always being rejected, bullied, and victimized,and my neverending curse of bad luck, traumas, and misfortune.My mother also sneered that I’m “never happy”(no shit! I wonder WHY?) and always dwell on the bad(because THAT’S what I mostly GET!) and snickered even in Heaven I’d still find something I won’t like and wouldn’t even be happy there, either. It’s all just a big joke to them but I’m dying inside. I was tempted to slit my wrists with the razor while I was shaving and pondered other possible ways of killing myself too such as taking pills, jumping off our 3rd floor balcony of the house, jumping in front of a car , or hanging myself except I’m too scared to do it but I wish I had the courage. I’m so sick and tired of this life I hate and I wouldn’t even care if he died and wish he’d just move out and he could even take some of the kids with him, too.I’m done with this and can’t take it anymore. Tired of always being blamed and emotionally abused, and tired of being treated like I’m a burden. I wish there was some way too that I could move out and be able to survive on my own but my only option is being dead, my only way out.

As it turns out I ended up ordering a pink pair of Converse Hi-Tops from an online Canadian site instead. Just my “luck” as well: my new headache pills aren’t ready either as the doc forgot to put a dose on the prescription  and the pharmacist called her and she never called them back so I still don’t have my pills. It figures. Life is hard when you’re ugly, have Asperger’s and Social Phobia, and when you’re different and strange and just don’t fit in. My entire life everyone thinks I’m weird and I didn’t learn the unwritten rules of decorum, body language and social cues and don’t know what’s appropriate to say in certain settings and what isn’t.I was labelled as weird and was destined to exist as a social outcast.I have very few friends and keep to myself. I wasn’t loved or nurtured as a child and I never learned how to love,trust, or bond, either, and don’t know how to relate to or connect with other  people and always feel awkward and out of place. Life for me is a daily struggle just to survive and on top of that I have a family that hates me and treats me like shit and then they blame me for how I feel! My mother also likes to taunt me when everything’s going wrong and not working out that I “should be grateful” and that I “have a good life”(HA!) and that it’s “just not meant to be” but I don’t buy that “not meant to be crap”; seriously then so I’m not “meant” to ever be happy?I’m not “meant” to have kids that love me? I’m not “meant” to be a good mother? I’m not “meant” to ever be loved or accepted? I’m not “meant” for anything to ever work out or go right for me? I’m not “meant” to ever be like other people, I’m not “meant” to enjoy life?So I’m “meant” to be unhappy, unloved, lonely, ostracized, miserable, bullied, rejected,blamed, suicidal, depressed, struggling,alone, emotionally abused and damaged,to not have any support, to wish I was dead?

I wish I wasn’t meant to exist.