Coming Out Of My Shell.

 When I was in Toronto the other day it felt was coming out of my shell. It was like the Social Phobia “disappeared” for a day.I felt at home in the city I grew up in, like I was back in my happy past,and I didn’t panic in the crowd of people,wandering on my own in the throngs of people, and I was able to easily chat with the vendors at the “Ex”  and it was a blessing…but once I returned back home again it was back.The same thing happens when I travel overseas; it’s like I’m someone else, or at least the person I used to be when I’m away from this place and this life; like I’m temporarily another person,like I was who I used to be before the traumas and Social Phobia began, and can for a short period return there, like re-winding to my old life briefly,as if this house and this town makes me physically, emotionally, mentally,and spiritually sick and is slowly killing me and when I get away from it I’m an entirely different person; I come out of my shell and I flourish,prosper,and grow. For a short period of time I can escape my hated prison, like a parole from my miserable existance and life and I can be happy and not feel held back and suppressed,like a bird set free from it’s cage. It’s suffocating, smothering,stifling,and oppressing me here. More than anything in the world I wish I could go back to the past, to the life I had and the person I once was ,to a time when I was happy, to go back to the time before 1988, before I met my hubby(I despise him so much I can’t even stand to look at him; he’s ruined my life,caused most of my traumas, and I’m so miserably unhappy with him and resent the way he treats me) and everything all fell apart. I wish I was someone else or at least who I was.

With my mother incapacitated I also have to do everything myself (it’s too much work for just 1 person)and it’s too much and everyone’s yelling at me because I can’t  do it all myself (and no one’s helping me)and without her shopping for groceries we also ran out of food,and the 17 YR old jeers that I’m “lazy”and “dumb” when all HE does is play video games all day,and he says I “always whine” when it’s just the way I talk, and my hubby couldn’t be bothered to drive to the pharmacy to pick up my pills’ prescription re-newal either and with these ones you can’t run out and suddenly stop or else I can have seizures(but he doesn’t care; he probably HOPES I die) and when I said “You think you know everything and I know nothing!” he snarked,”At least we both agree!” and I wish as well as helping stabilize my moods I wish my pills would fix my broken heart as well,and when I see couples in love and happy marriages I envy it and wonder why can’t I have that,too? Why did I have to miss out and be so unhappy? What did I ever do to deserve this? I was better off before, when I was single,and I wish I never met him or had kids, and wish I could go back to my old life, and now I can understand WHY my cousin walked away from her family all those YRS ago.Maybe she was so broken and destroyed like I am too and was dying inside and it was either walk away or end up dead…

I am grateful for those few times I can come out of my shell and get a rare glimpse of what life used to be like for me, what happiness can be like, and what I wish I had, and what I could have if I wasn’t stuck here with this life in this place that I hate.One day I can only hope to escape for good and have it full time….