Baby Mice.

 Now all 5 of the orphaned baby mice( seen here in my hand) have died despite my best efforts. It took 6 days, dying at a rate of about one a day. I fed them warm milk from an eyedropper every 2-3 HRS (and it took 5 minutes to feed each one each time)and kept them nestled in a warm nest of cotton balls and ripped up Kleenex. I feel badly they died as I really tried and had hope they’d survive against all odds and now I feel it was  wasted and all for nothing, although a friend of mine said that love, compassion and mercy are never a waste of time and at least I can say I tried, and that they didn’t die alone, and another said that a society’s value is judged on how it treats it’s weakest members and my cousin said I should never stop being kind and doing good so that made me feel a bit better and even though they’re just mice I still feel sad though.I had hope and now it’s gone.

As well, a cold is going thru our house (and it’s Thanksgiving on Monday and someone’s always sick over holidays, it never fails)and we have received another possible threat once again and along with it a 50-50 chance we might have to move again to get away from it(we have to wait and see how it plays out), just as we had to do a few YRS ago and although I DO want to get out of this town and do want to move I didn’t want it to be like this; not again, not under siege and by being threatened again, and needless to say I’m scared shitless and can hardly even think straight right now; why DO these things always keep happening to us? What have we done to deserve it?Why can’t people just leave us alone? With my Asperger’s I also have a low frustration and stress level and when I freak out  the 17 YR old scoffs at me,”Act your age!” which hurts because I can’t help it and he always makes fun of me,and even in a house full of people I still feel so alone,and even my own family shuts me out, and I hate it how my mother always uses the word “nattering” to describe me and it hurts that my thoughts, concerns and opinions doesn’t matter and is never taken seriously or validated and just always ignored, dismissed, criticized and laughed at and no one is ever on my side.

My hubby also recorded his TV show over mine as something for HIM always comes first and I don’t matter(and then I got blamed for “freaking out” and getting mad)and I want to be like in that movie “Albert Nobbs”; just lay down and die with a smile on my face,and I have absolutely no joy in my life at all, it’s devoid of any happiness and it’s never too late to start over as Swami Prabhupada was in his 70’s when he moved to USA and started ISKCON although unlike me he didn’t have Asperger’s, either, which impairs my life, limits me and holds me back. I wish I never even met my hubby either as that’s when all the terrible things and all the traumas in my  life began, once he came into my life, and I was better off before; he’s ruined my life and meeting him is my biggest regret.