Financial Straits.

 So not only may we have to move as we’re under siege once again, we are having financial trouble as well and the stress and worry about money and moving is so bad that I can’t sleep and it’s keeping me awake. I’m tired of always being on the run because we’re always being attacked(but what other choice do we have?) but now we also might have to move regardless  to down size as well to cut costs, such as moving to a smaller house would be less property tax, cost less to heat, etc. Our water bill was 600$ for example and we only had 200$ saved for it(last time it was 400$) so now everyone’s limited to 2-minute showers, and the hydro bill was 500$. We just can’t afford it and hadn’t budgeted for it and it keeps getting worse.As well, due to cut backs soon we will also be 2500$ short a month and this is what we use  to buy groceries(so instead of  donating to the food bank monthly will we have to start withdrawing now?) and out of that $ I also receive my “allowance”; and all my expenses come from that; $ I need to buy all my needs; to save for trips, to buy my clothing, gifts for the kids, and my personal toiletries such as deoderant, razors, tampons, etc. as well so once it’s gone I will have ZERO $, be penniless and destitute. I will have NOTHING.I will never be able to buy anything ever again. We already buy clothing at the second hand shop(the kids call the “Peasant Store”) and only buy food in bulk, on sale, and with coupons but with this $ gone we won’t even have $ for food at all anymore.

My hubby is considering checking into his employer and seeing if he can get transferred to a branch in USA as it’s cheaper to live there than here; the average house price there,for example, is around 175 000$ compared to over 400 000$  here and sales tax here is 15% and income tax takes 40-50% of our salary here, and I know for a fact(from when I lived in California back in the 80’s) groceries in USA cost alot less than they do here,too. This whole situation about a possible threat, possibly having to move,and now the financial situation on top of it all  is really worrying me and stressing me out. I am just fried. I just want to run away from life and God  needs to make a way  where there seems to be no way.Everything is just all falling apart right now and I don’t know what I need to do to feel better. I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and die. This is all just so overwhelming.I don’t see any hope and the realization that soon we’ll have no $ to buy food stresses me out beyond belief,and moving is such a huge undertaking and so stressful, so much work and expense; what if we can’t even sell this shit-hole and unlikely we can even find anything else we can even afford anyway,not to mention the sheer stress and hassle of looking at houses and the disruption of having people look at ours,and the annoyance of packing and unpacking…..it’s making my head hurt just thinking about it.

I can hardly even breathe.

As well, my hubby surprised me by saying he might consider getting a dog later sometime down the road and I said I want to get a Chihuahua and he said no; that HE gets to choose and he wants a mutt( I don’t want a mange-y mutt!), and when I said,”So, I don’t have any say?” he goes,”No!” which felt like a knife in my heart,and having a Chihuahua would be my only link to my happy childhood; re-creating and re-enacting happy memories for me and now that came crashing down,too; no more hopes or dreams for that anymore,now either; just kick me while I’m down. It would have been better if he’d said no dog at all, period, but to agree to one but to deny me my Chihuahua and happy memories of my past it would bring back  was an extra cruel blow,not to mention the stinging reminder that I have no say,and that my opinion doesn’t matter, and that I am helpless and meaningless in my own family; trapped and miserable.

Why can’t I just die now?Everything just keeps on getting worse.