Suicide Smoothie.

 I love smoothies. In fact, I have one every day: soy milk, flax seed, wheat germ, yogurt, orange juice, mango nectar,peaches,and mangoes, but today I read about an interesting twist: suicide smoothies, where you crush up pills in a blender and add it to your smoothie, drink it,and commit suicide. I’ll have to keep that in mind. How come I never thought of that? How utterly inventive! With the way things are going I’ll have to make a mental note of that. In fact, it might be an option, esp. since the threat that faces us *I’m* the one personally that’s targeted ; not my hubby, the kids, or my mother, just me,so if I killed myself and was out of the picture it would be over and no one else would have to move as I’m the one that they’re after.All cannot be said and all should not be said but suffice it to say that I’m under so much stress right now that I’ve chewed my knuckle raw and I haven’t done that since I was kid, when I was being molested. My nerves are shot and I’m at a breaking point.

I just can’t do it anymore, with the stress of the threat looming over me and the uncertainty of it(will it blow over or intensify?) and the possibility of us having to move(maybe we can move to the Maritimes and live by the sea and I can pretend it’s Ireland?) to evade it,and only the 9 YR old hopes to move and is excited at the prospect but the other kids aren’t and don’t want to; they don’t want to leave their activities and all their friends, and we’d have to downsize to a smaller house( my mother said a 3 bedroom but realistically it would have to be at least a 4 bedroom(we have 7 bedrooms now) as we have 10 people still at home currently) which would also mean that unlike now no one would have their own bedroom anymore either; they would all have to share, most likely all the boys in a room and all the girls sharing a room, and with no money for food we’ll have to eat alot of bread and soup from now on as well and it’s just all so overwhelming and all at once and I can’t do it anymore. I’m worn out and spent. I need a new life.

To make it even worse my mother was blaming me for how I feel too, for being depressed and for not being able to handle it, and sneered, “You have a doctor, go get some pills!” but pills aren’t the answer;they would only “mask” the problem; I need a new life, I need bad things to stop always happening to me, I need a break from constant misfortune, I need to stop always being attacked, I need to be able to get back up before being kicked back down again, I need to rewind to a happy time in my life,I need to catch a break,I need some support. She went on how it’s stressful for ALL of us and why can’t I handle it, etc. but I just can’t. I told her, “Well I guess I’m NOT perfect and great and wonderful and strong  like YOU are because I CAN’T handle it!” She says I’m “too negative” as well and “always dwell on the bad” but it’s pretty hard NOT to when that’s pretty well what I GET all the time! It’s hard to be positive when I see so little of it in my life .I’m in an unhappy loveless marriage, I’m always overruled and undermined, my opinions are dismissed, I have no say and what I want and need doesn’t matter, I’m always being blamed for everything,my kids hate me(I had kids before I knew what they were like), I’m trapped in an situation I have no way out of, due to my Asperger’s and other limitations I can’t survive on my own and struggle daily in life,I’m miserable and I wish I was dead,and now we’re facing yet another threat, financial crisis, and may have to move on top of that, so yeah….I’m having trouble handling it all.It’s all too much.

I’ll never see smoothies the same way again.