NewYearsEve Today is New Year’s Eve, a celebration I ignore and just sleep thru. Later today we have Mass, a Holy Day of Obligation for Mary, the Mother of God for New Year’s, but other than that we have no other plans and don’t do anything to celebrate, no New Year’s Eve parties or anything like that. I’ll be fast asleep way by Midnight anyway (I’m awake at 5-6 am) and I think New Year’s Eve is just an excuse for loser boozers to get drunk anyway and the worst day out on the roads for drunk drivers. I don’t really see what the big deal is anyway and they are way overpriced anyway the dinners, and food I wouldn’t eat anyway(being a vegetarian) and I don’t drink,I hate socializing, can’t stay up late,  I don’t dance, and partying was never my scene,anyway.so I really don’t see the point. I’d rather be home in bed under my nice snuggy warm blankets.I guess I’m an old fuddy duddy. All the kids really do to ring in the New Year is go out on the front porch at Midnight and bang wooden spoons on pots and pans and make a terrible racket yelling out “Happy New Year!” at the top of their lungs, a tradition handed down from my family that I remember doing as as a kid myself, although I’m still not sure why or what the significance of it is!

As well, my MRI indicated possible MS(based on my high T2 signal) and the symptoms of it ARE similar to Chiari Malformation as symptoms are similar for many things(and it would explain my fatigue,clumsiness, numbness and tingling, muscle weakness, hand trembling, brain decline,etc.) but the bad thing is it’s degenerative and there’s no cure so I could end up in a wheelchair if it turns out that I DO have it afterall(that’s for the neurologist to look into further and to determine thru further testing, but at least now he has more to go on)and I’d rather die first if so, yet my hubby refuses to believe it and thinks it’s “all in my head” and that I “imagine” it,and I HATE it that no one EVER validates, believes, or takes anything with me seriously!

The 9 and 11 YR olds also love the Boy Band One Direction and compete who’s the biggest fan(the 9 YR old wins) and I can’t stand that “pussy” style music(I think it’s “gay”) and I’m embarrassed they have no taste in music, but at least they’re better than that little twerp Justin Bieber though; he still doesn’t look or sound like he’s hit puberty yet and looks and sounds like a girl; he’s a little twink that tries to look like a punk and at least the One Direction guys LOOK like guys and are nice looking and clean cut and they’re not druggies or anything, so I guess it could be worse, and hopefully as the kids get older they’ll develop some taste in music….Sigh…

Broken Hearted.

BrokenHeart(new)The stress of coping with my life is affecting my health, I’m in agony the way my life has turned out, and I wish I could escape my painful existence. I hate it that everyone is always so mean to me and I hope that my relatives that have died can see my broken heart, unhappiness, misery,and suffering,and can intercede, pray for,and watch over me, and that I can die and go to Heaven soon where I’ll finally belong, fit in, be accepted,and be welcomed with love that I’ve never had here. In just the past few days when I mentioned my sore back my mother caustically replied,”I know; I  always HEAR about it!” and when she asked where I put something and I told her,”Back where it belongs” she sneered sarcastically,”Well, GOOD for YOU!”and whenever I ask her to do something she accuses me of “pushing her around” but when SHE asks anyone to do something “it’s called helping out” so it’s different for me but the rules change for HER, and she hassles me that I’m close to the 9 YR old too(even though SHE pampers the 22 YR old and the 5 YR old) jealous that she likes ME more than she likes her and resentful that someone actually loves me, the only one that DOES,and when  I told her that she “buys” the kids’ affection(she’s always “bought” people and used money as power and control) and turned them away from me she cruelly snarled that *I* turned them away from MYSELF(because everything’s always MY fault, never HERS!),and when she gets the wrong thing at the store(She goes out every day on her walk and I only get out of the house for church and medical app’ts)because she never bothers to read the label  she blames ME for getting mad,too ,instead of it being HER fault for getting the wrong thing! She’s just so hateful and cruel! I don’t think anyone hates me more than my own mother does, and the 18 YR old taunted me as well jeering that I “don’t have to eat much” as I “don’t need much for energy or thinking” because I’m lazy and dumb, and that I’m the “most selfish person he knows.”.

It’s like a knife in the heart. I just feel dead inside. I just want to die. Even my own family hates me.I just can’t go on like this anymore .Enough is enough. My spirit is destroyed and my entire life has imploded.I feel so alone.

As well, I took the Christmas tree down yesterday(it took me an hour) and did the indoor decorations a few days before(it’s too much work to do all at once, all in one day) and will take down the outdoor lights after New Year’s, and our son took the train back ,and for the past week I’ve had a REALLY sore back( so bad I want to barf from the pain) and I found out that severe back pain can be a rare but serious side-effect from my BP pills,so maybe it’s kidney damage,or something? My secret hope is I die.

I also heard a song on the radio(Def Leppard’s “Love Bites”) and every time I hear it it reminds me of G, who I used to like in 1988, and every time I do hear it and  think of him I used to say a little prayer that he’s ok  that he’s found someone and has a family, and the last time I saw him was 18 YRS ago and he was still single then,and now I’ve changed my prayer to just that he’s happy; he’s probably better off being single; now that I know what having kids is like I wish I’d have stayed single and not had kids. If I had known ahead of time how much fear, worry, stress, trauma, anxiety, misery, and regret it caused in my life I would have changed my mind; I was happier before. I used to feel sorry for him being alone and think he missed out not having kids but now I think he made the better choice and is likely happier than I am.My family causes me nothing but grief and misery.I miss my old life and wish I could go back.

My life sucks.

Hippo Fun Facts.


Hippopotamus means “River Horse”

They are the third largest land animal after elephants and rhinos

Their milk is pink

They live to 40-50 years

They live in Africa

They live in herds of up to 100 individuals and when in water they are referred to as “pods” of hippos

They weigh 3000- 4000 pounds

They go in mud and water to cool down and so their skin doesn’t dry out

They have purple grey skin

They mate and give birth in the water

Babies weigh 60-100 pounds at birth

A mother hippo usually only has one baby at birth but can on occasion have twins

‘They mainly eat grass and emerge from the water at dusk to feed and eat for 4-5 HRS

They emerge out of the water every 3-5 minutes to breathe but babies emerge every 2-3 minutes

Their nostrils close up while under water

They are not social creatures even though they live in large groups and congregate close together in the water; the only close bonds are formed between mothers and daughters

They are very fierce and aggressive and are one of the most aggressive animals in Africa and have killed more people there than any other animal

They fight crocodiles, lions,and hyenas

They have big wide mouths and teeth that are 20 inches in length

They are territorial only in water or to protect their young

They moo and snort like cows and pigs

They are my fave. animal!

First Snowstorm!

SnowStorm We got our first snowstorm! We got a whopping 29 cm! The kids were outside playing in it and it looks so beautiful, like a winter wonderland! We’re supposed to get more Saturday as well! Now it finally looks and feels like winter! As well, I got a copy of my MRI report in the mail sent by my doctor,and even though there’s no tumours or aneurysms(nothing imminently critical) it’s NOT normal afterall;there ARE a few abnormalities they found:

In my neck: slight reversal of cervical lordosis; a reversed “C” shaped vertebrae. This might explain my neck pain!

Microvascular ischemic changes in the brain: small areas of  past mini-strokes that have been caused by my high blood pressure. Would explain my headaches and brain decline!

Dominant left vertebral artery in the Circle of Willis( the main artery that supplies blood to the brain) This is enlarged so I suppose it must mean there is a risk of rupture/aneurysm in the future and must be watched. Would cause headaches I would assume as it pulses and presses on surrounding  nerves.

Increased inversion recovery echogenic foci( dark spots show up) on hemispheric white matter of brain: small spots usually indicate old hemmorages and bigger spots generally indicate fluid collection. Also noted as “Technically indeterminate” meaning they’re not sure of the cause or the significance, but it’s concerning and not normal.

High T2 signal: Indicates either MS or scarring of the brain and/or spinal cord.

Lesions on white matter of brain.

They recommend a follow-up MRI again in 6 months following the last one(which was in Nov.) which would be the end of May, to monitor for any changes. I’m glad to at least have some answers that could help explain my symptoms,and to give the neurologist something to look into  and further follow up on. My hubby dismisses the report as ” ‘Normal’ abnormalities they likely find in ALL MRI’s” which is just dumb as  by definition an abnormality isn’t normal! I KNEW there was something and that something was wrong!


As well, my son said I’m “lazy” as due to my breathing problem I can’t shovel snow(my doctor even warned me any physical exertion and I’d end up in the ICU; I even get out of breath if I go up a flight of stairs!)  and I’m so sick and tired of my family always putting me down,demeaning and insulting me, and telling me how lazy and stupid I am, how my thoughts and opinions don’t matter, complaining that they don’t like it that *I* don’t like political indoctrination and propaganda, of being accused of “sheltering” my kids because I try to protect them from worldly bad influences,sabotaging my religious upbringing of the kids, of the other kids always picking on,blaming and setting up the 9 YR old and then me being accused of “favouring” her because I don’t allow it,of not having any say or authority in my own home, and always being over ruled and under mined, etc. and then they wonder WHY I’m so miserable and want another family and wish I could just leave and have another life. I want out. I want to be someone else, somewhere else. I just wish I could disappear somewhere.I just wish I could be happy again.