The stress of coping with my life is affecting my health, I’m in agony the way my life has turned out, and I wish I could escape my painful existence. I hate it that everyone is always so mean to me and I hope that my relatives that have died can see my broken heart, unhappiness, misery,and suffering,and can intercede, pray for,and watch over me, and that I can die and go to Heaven soon where I’ll finally belong, fit in, be accepted,and be welcomed with love that I’ve never had here. In just the past few days when I mentioned my sore back my mother caustically replied,”I know; I always HEAR about it!” and when she asked where I put something and I told her,”Back where it belongs” she sneered sarcastically,”Well, GOOD for YOU!”and whenever I ask her to do something she accuses me of “pushing her around” but when SHE asks anyone to do something “it’s called helping out” so it’s different for me but the rules change for HER, and she hassles me that I’m close to the 9 YR old too(even though SHE pampers the 22 YR old and the 5 YR old) jealous that she likes ME more than she likes her and resentful that someone actually loves me, the only one that DOES,and when I told her that she “buys” the kids’ affection(she’s always “bought” people and used money as power and control) and turned them away from me she cruelly snarled that *I* turned them away from MYSELF(because everything’s always MY fault, never HERS!),and when she gets the wrong thing at the store(She goes out every day on her walk and I only get out of the house for church and medical app’ts)because she never bothers to read the label she blames ME for getting mad,too ,instead of it being HER fault for getting the wrong thing! She’s just so hateful and cruel! I don’t think anyone hates me more than my own mother does, and the 18 YR old taunted me as well jeering that I “don’t have to eat much” as I “don’t need much for energy or thinking” because I’m lazy and dumb, and that I’m the “most selfish person he knows.”.
It’s like a knife in the heart. I just feel dead inside. I just want to die. Even my own family hates me.I just can’t go on like this anymore .Enough is enough. My spirit is destroyed and my entire life has imploded.I feel so alone.
As well, I took the Christmas tree down yesterday(it took me an hour) and did the indoor decorations a few days before(it’s too much work to do all at once, all in one day) and will take down the outdoor lights after New Year’s, and our son took the train back ,and for the past week I’ve had a REALLY sore back( so bad I want to barf from the pain) and I found out that severe back pain can be a rare but serious side-effect from my BP pills,so maybe it’s kidney damage,or something? My secret hope is I die.
I also heard a song on the radio(Def Leppard’s “Love Bites”) and every time I hear it it reminds me of G, who I used to like in 1988, and every time I do hear it and think of him I used to say a little prayer that he’s ok that he’s found someone and has a family, and the last time I saw him was 18 YRS ago and he was still single then,and now I’ve changed my prayer to just that he’s happy; he’s probably better off being single; now that I know what having kids is like I wish I’d have stayed single and not had kids. If I had known ahead of time how much fear, worry, stress, trauma, anxiety, misery, and regret it caused in my life I would have changed my mind; I was happier before. I used to feel sorry for him being alone and think he missed out not having kids but now I think he made the better choice and is likely happier than I am.My family causes me nothing but grief and misery.I miss my old life and wish I could go back.
My life sucks.