Rewriting My Life.

Writing Last night as I was laying in bed falling asleep I was thinking how I wish I could go back and re-do my life and how I would re-write my life if I could.  My future would incl. the Love Of My Life, who I loved for 5 YRS ,thought I would marry,and who was cultured and refined and ended up getting a Masters Degree in Business but also who never loved me back and ended up to be gay. I don’t love him now(afterall, it was a long time ago!), but I did once, and if I’d married him like I’d hoped the outcome would have been so different and I really think I could have been happy.If I could go back and rewrite my life over again it would be completely different and here’s how the story would go:

I would not be ugly or have the limits that I have now such as Asperger’s or Social Phobia. I would have had a stable family life with both parents and I would have had siblings and not been a lonely only child. My mother would have been a stay-at-home mom like all my friends’ mothers were back in the 70’s. I would have been like other people and fit in and not been ostracized, bullied , rejected and abused. I would be “normal” and boys would have been attracted to me and asked me out on dates and asked me to dance. I would have had more friends and had a social life and been to a prom. I would have had alot more opportunities ,options, and choices in life.I wouldn’t have to always had to settle in life. I would have married my True Love and known what passion and romance was like. I would have known what being in love and having someone love me back and have a happy marriage felt like. I would have had my Dream Wedding and we would have had a few kids and he would have provided a good stable life and my mother wouldn’t have to live with us(and meddle and over-step boundaries with our kids) to help out financially. I wouldn’t have had all the traumas, misfortune,bad luck, tragedies, and unhappiness that have plagued me. I would have known what it’s like to be happy.I wouldn’t have the medical problems I do, I wouldn’t be fat like I am,and I would have self-esteem and be content with my life and not wish I was someone else. I wouldn’t be emotionally scarred, pessimistic, negative and damaged. If I’d had a different life and a different experience I would be a totally different person and would be better off for it.

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As well, some loser vandalized our outdoor Christmas lights overnight; they tried to steal them but they’re all attached and secured with electrician’s tape(partly to make them harder to steal(because they steal everything here) and also so they don’t short-circuit in the rain) so they’d just managed to grab them and run, leaving them strewn all along the front sidewalk up to the neighbour’s property.They were snatched off the bushes and front lawn and parts are smashed and broken with wires exposed. The neighbour next door also told us someone broke into their car in their driveway during the night,too! I’m just so mad! I HATE this town! All the dumb inbred rednecks here are always stealing, vandalizing and ruining things and have nothing better to do than to get in trouble and I’m so SICK of it! I HATE it here and want to move but we can’t afford to so I’m trapped .I’ve moved 18 times in my life and this is the WORST place I’ve EVER lived! It enrages me as well my hubby doesn’t even care; he’s not even mad (“There’s nothing you can DO about it, so why get mad?” he says) and he’s always excusing the rednecks,too, but he doesn’t care about or value anything,anyway, but I feel so violated, victimized,and angry, and I’m so sick of the trailer trash here,and now I wonder if this will become a nightly occurrance now? I just HATE this place so MUCH!!

I still have my crippling headache,too, now day 7, with no relief in sight,and still no MRI results either, and it’s been 12 days. Things take forever here. It sucks. I hate this place. I hate my LIFE.