Still No Answers….

MRIBrainScan My doctor finally found my missing MRI report and called with the results and everything looked normal; no aneurysms or tumours, etc, nothing visible or obvious showed up, so we still have no answers to what’s causing my worsening  debilitating headaches and increasing brain decline, so I’m still no step closer to ending my suffering and this is depressing and discouraging and it means more delays in finding treatment. It seems like maybe I’m not meant to find out and am supposed to suffer forever. I still think I DO have Chiari based on my symptoms(and that I also have Marfan Syndrome which often goes along with it) and that perhaps due to the fact that it’s so rare(only 1% of the population has it)or maybe so slight, they didn’t look for it and see it (and this IS common; many cases go undiagnosed and unseen)and perhaps it got overlooked? I’m hoping when I finally see the neurologist he’ll look over the scans and perhaps he’ll pick up on it? In any case, he can do further tests and maybe he can find out the cause, whether it is that or something else? Maybe it’s something so small, elusive, and obscure that’s hard to find and diagnose?Perhaps also when the neurologist looks over the MRI report his trained eye might even pick up on something that wasn’t noticed before?

There’s obviously SOMETHING causing my symptoms and pain, we just have to find it.The MRI is just ONE test and just shows structural or invasive causes. I KNOW I’m NOT “imagining” it or making it up like my hubby accuses me of. The headaches are so bad that suicide is a viable option to end the pain. Even my doctor says that they’re not migraines as they don’t follow the classic migraine pattern(I don’t have “warnings” they are about to occur, I don’t have “auras” or see flashing lights, etc.),migraines can show up on MRI’s and it didn’t, migraines tend to be genetic and run in families and no one else in my family history suffers from them,and migraine meds don’t work on them, and migraines don’t cause cognitive decline,either. I was hoping the MRI showed a definite cause so we’d know how to fix it but now I’m still no further ahead than I was before and this is very disappointing.  I’m glad we finally got the results(and that I didn’t have to get the MRI again) but at the same time I was also hoping to get answers that would bring relief of my symptoms closer.

Shit. This is never ending.

Giving Up.

WhiteFlag                                               Discouraged.

Hopeless.

Defeated.

Deflated.

Despairing.

Depressed.

That’s how I feel. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take it anymore. It has gone on for too long. Of course it HAD to be MY MRI report that got lost(I still haven’t heard from the doctor so she hasn’t located the results yet) and it feels like I’m never going to get results, never going to get answers,and never going to see an end to my suffering,and on top of that I even get blamed for it too(my hubby says I make it up and it’s just an excuse for being stupid and forgetful; if the MRI  comes back normal) and I’m so fed up that nothing works out for me and I have such bad luck all the time  and these things always happen to me and I  can never catch a break. My hubby also snarls all I ever do is complain, but everything always goes wrong for me  and I’m miserable and if HE had my life he’d complain too but I don’t even have any support or sympathy either, just condemnation and blame. I have no joy in my life, just shit.

I don’t even want to think about the possibility that my MRI results can never be found and that I have to go back and get the MRI re-done again,causing even more delays. It’s already been 3 weeks since I had it done and is taking forever as it is and  it seems hopeless I’ll never get results,answers, relief from my symptoms or an end to my debilitating headaches and brain decline and I fear as it progresses and worsens(and now I mix up “me” and “my” and “him” and “her” as well) I’ll eventually end up a “vegetable” if they can’t get results and figure out what’s causing it and fix it in time,and it feels like there’s no end in sight and the waiting is so hard and so hopeless and I feel so discouraged, defeated, deflated, and depressed and I can’t keep living like this and have had enough. I’m fed up with my constant suffering, bad luck,blame, and just want to give up. I want SOMETHING to show up in the results(if  even GET them,that is!) as I need an explanation and also to prove to my hubby that it IS real; that I’m NOT making it up,yet I fear I may never know and have to suffer forever and that maybe for some reason I’m not “meant” to know and am SUPPOSED to just suffer for the rest of my life?

I’m so depressed and pissed off I don’t even care about Christmas,either, and just want to get it over with(and it doesn’t feel like Christmas anyway with no snow) and want to just roll over and die.I hate myself.I hate my life. I hate my headaches and endless suffering that seems to have no answer and no end.I hate it I doubt I’ll ever get my MRI results. I hate my constant bad luck. I hate being blamed for how I feel. I hate being blamed for everything. I’m not even “allowed” to be upset and complain when my life is a constant stream of bad luck with everything always going wrong.My hubby even blames me for not being able to wake up the 18 YR old(who  is hard to wake up and would sleep thru an apocalypse!) and says I “don’t try hard enough”  and “give up too easily”as if I don’t have anything better to DO all day than to stay up in his room trying to wake him up but somehow everything’s always MY fault,and the 14 YR old sneers to me about “poor parenting.” See, THAT’S the kind of crap I get EVERY SINGLE DAY and it beats down on me.On TOP of everything else I always have to deal with and I’m sick of it. I hope the world DOES end tomorrow actually and then it saves ME the trouble of having to kill myself! I’m tempted to just go and do it now,actually.I just want out. I’m done.

The only good things that brought me a bit of cheer was my old friend(since we were 12 YRS old!) phoned me and it was a nice surprise and it was nice to talk to her,and on the Toronto TV news I saw my old school(one that I liked, up to grade 6) and my old house(visible up the street) and it made me miss(and want to move back to) Toronto and my (happy) past even more.A small bright light in an otherwise dark dreary world.Other than that it’s all just too much and I wish I could just disappear somewhere, never to be found,and die.

I just want to give up.Too much has gone wrong for too long and everything is just so hopeless.