The Ficus.

Ficus When we moved into this house 10 YRS ago we inherited the Ficus plant seen here. The people we bought the house from had left it behind, either it was too big to fit thru the door(it’s now taller than I am and goes almost up to the ceiling), too heavy to carry(it comes in a heavy terra cotta pot) or the movers refused to move it.In any case, it came with the house and we “adopted” it and have been raising it ever since. It has grown quite a bit since then and has seen quite alot over the YRS incl. the birth of 2 kids(the 2 youngest), kids digging in it’s pot and taking the soil out, eating the leaves that fall off( luckily it’s not poison!), Christmas ornaments(if you look closely at the photo you can actually see one) placed on it’s branches (forgotten from when we put them away from the Christmas tree and left there for safekeeping until the next YR; too lazy to go all the way downstairs to the basement and dig around in the boxes to put them away) and all the trials and tribulations we have gone thru since then, and interestingly when it gets stressed out itself(such as when we have to relocate it to another window over Christmas to put up the Christmas tree)it loses leaves and they drop to the ground.It has become like a part of the family.


As well, I got my repeat MRI booked for 9 March, a Saturday which’s weird and I didn’t know they even did them on weekends; it’s a follow-up to the last one I had in November to see if there’s any changes in the abnormalities they found; if they’re the same, better, or worse. They’d suggested it be redone in 6 months but I guess they got the app’t sooner so who am I to question it,and besides, I guess if there’s anything significantly wrong it’ll have worsened over that period of time,and this way I’ll have the results by the time I see the neurologist in May and he’ll have both the MRI reports to compare as well by the time I see him. There’s also a mild virus going thru our house and one by one the kids  are getting sick,and hearing we’re ordering something online the 5 YR old looked at the computer and  goes, “Where do you stick your credit card in?”

The 9 YR old also made a nice floral flannel nightgown in her sewing class, my hubby was cleaning his office in the basement and found this cute little red Valentine’s Day hippo he’d got for me either for this YR or last YR(he didn’t remember),  and he and the 13 YR old have this funny “war” going on with her Kobo eReader VS his Tablet, with each saying theirs is best and always insulting the other’s,and my hubby using the saw somehow set off the smoke alarm,too!


OscarAndReeva South African track star Oscar Pistorius has been charged in the shooting death of his model girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp and I personally think he’s guilty.Normally I wouldn’t even know who he is but I first saw him in “People” magazine’s recent “Sexiest Man Alive” issue and then when I heard about the murder charge I remembered him from the magazine but I hadn’t heard of him before that. He has 2 prosthetic legs and has special “blades” that he uses to run with and tried to use his disability to say he wasn’t guilty in killing his girlfriend on purpose and said it was all a tragic terrible accident and that, in fact, had thought she was an intruder that he shot even though the facts just don’t add up.

For one, he claimed he thought she  was still in bed beside him(she had spent the night and had an overnight bag) when he grabbed his gun and shot into the closed bathroom door but why wouldn’t he have checked first, and then he said she must have been using the bathroom and he didn’t know she was in there and thought he was shooting at a robber in the bathroom, but what would a robber be doing hiding in his bathroom, and if she regularly stayed overnight wouldn’t he know that she’d have the habit of getting up during the night to go to the bathroom and have thought therefore that it was likely her in there? He also claimed that he was scared and felt helpless without his prosthetic limbs and grabbed the gun and fired shots into the bathroom but tests showed that based on the level and height of the shots fired that it was higher up and that he must have actually had his prosthetic limbs ON when he fired the shots,proving he lied.Also, if he thought there was an intruder, why did he go towards them and not away from them and why didn’t he call police?

Reeva also had been shot once in the hip in the bedroom before she even made it to the bathroom(disproving again he didn’t know it was her) and the other(fatal) shots occurred once she was locked inside the bathroom(which we would conclude she did running away from him into the bathroom and  locking the door to try to protect herself)sitting on the toilet behind the closed door,as well as a broken and bloodied cricket bat that was also found on the scene, that was said to have been used to beat her(she also had a skull fracture) before she ran into the bathroom but that Oscar claimed he used to bash down the bathroom door(yet that wouldn’t explain the blood on it).

Neighbours also claim to have heard loud yelling and arguing coming from the house shortly before the shooting,and police confirmed that there had been prior domestic incidences at Oscar’s house on other previous occasions and that he had been charged before with assaulting another woman and that he is known to have a bad temper, and to live recklessly,and is known to speed in cars and in boats and was involved in  near-fatal accidents due to speed and to brag of his love and collection of guns.Putting all this together I think it’s highly unlikely he killed her by “mistake”.He sounds like a very aggressive violent person to me. I think he knew very well what he was doing; that they had a fight and he got mad and killed her and made up the “intruder” story,but due to his fame and money and wealthy family and the fact that he posted bail he’ll likely walk. I bet he’ll get a fake passport( as he had to surrender his own) and hire a private jet or boat and leave the country, never to be heard from again, and even if it ever does go to trial I’m sure he’ll somehow get off and be found not guilty, even though I’m sure he is. Celebrity justice, you know. If you’re rich and famous you can get away with anything.

Squirrel Invasion!

Squirrel(newest) We hear gnawing and scurrying along the kitchen ceiling and I had a suspicion that the squirrels had chewed thru the roof again and I was right: I went outside and sure enough there was another hole there and I even saw a squirrel poke his head out! We go thru this several times a YR: they chew a hole thru the roof and we scare them away(by banging on the kitchen ceiling from the inside with a broom) and fill in the hole and then they chew another hole and we fill it in and so on and so on and so on…. My biggest fear is that they’ll chew thru wiring and cause a fire, like what happened to a friend of mine. We already HAD a fire 17 YRS ago at our other house and don’t need another one and ever since then I have always been extra paranoid about it and terrified of a repeat. We have to chase the squirrels out and cover up the hole before they get a nest in there and birthing season starts in the spring so I informed my hubby about my find to tell him he has to fix the hole and as I was explaining it to him(as he didn’t know exactly where the hole was) he begrudgingly agreed to repair it, snarking, “Whatever to get you to stop talking!” as always condescending, dismissive and demeaning to me, and I shot back, “What can *I* do to get YOU to stop being such an ASSHOLE? He also made a snide remark about me being fatter than him as well and I hate it that people always make fun of me and criticize me for things that I have no control over: for my looks and weight, for my Asperger’s,and for my intelligence( or rather, lack of) and that if I had any choice I wouldn’t choose to have,either, and that in case they haven’t noticed, that I hate about myself, too.

I was also called a “c*nt”  online for saying NASCAR ( “National Association of Stupid Country Ass Rednecks”, ha ha ha) is for rednecks,but I won’t apologize for it because it’s true(I guess the truth hurts) and because I AM allowed to have an opinion that differs from theirs(and isn’t what they called me a typical redneck insult,too?), but it just sucks that people always insult me all the time, and things that other people seem to overcome easily or just never struggle with at all always trip me up again and again and it feels like God is witholding blessings and graces He gives other people and I’m tired of always struggling and being the odd one out and always having such a hard time in life,and I keep waiting for my break  to come but it never does .I’m just plain angry and fed up!

Our Internet keeps giving us trouble again as well, everything is slow loading if it even loads at all, and I hate it everything we have is a substandard piece of shit but it’s all we can afford,and funny,too: when I got up during the night to go to the bathroom I covered up the 9 YR old who only had 1 small blanket on her and she sighed,”Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” in gratitude and relief,and later tonight and into tomorrow we’re supposed to have a bad storm,too; a mix of heavy wet snow, freezing rain,and rain so I guess the TV satellite will be out again,too. Ugh.

A Sad Life.

SadFace I have a sad life.

I have a hard life.

My mother even said when I die that my kids “Wouldn’t be devastated” (except for the 9 YR old, as she actually does really love me) and it’s a cruel thing to say but she’s right. I think they’d be indifferent, and sometimes I think that she’s trying to drive me to suicide,too; to push me over the edge with her cruelty,and even my own mother hates me and rejects me and I’ve been hated, rejected, victimized, abused, bullied, insulted, hurt, ridiculed, betrayed, ostracized, unloved, unwanted,and kicked down my whole life and I’m always the one that’s left out, singled out, blamed, and the object of mocking and scorn, and sometimes anger is all I have, yet it’s perfectly understandable considering the bad hand I’ve been dealt in life.

I also decided if I DO have kidney failure that I’m NOT going to go thru dialysis or a transplant or anything; I’ll just let it run it’s course, and die.It’s just not worth it; my life isn’t worth saving, anyway, and I’d rather die,and most of the regret in my life will always incl. all that I wish  could have been but never was, and sadly most of what I want is out of my reach and always will be due to my limits due to Asperger’s(such as not being able to ever live on my own or have a normal independent adult life) and I’ll never find love due my looks and unhappy marriage, or find happiness due to my depression and constant bad luck and misfortune,and due to lack of finances I’ll never be able to move back to the city,and I miss my old life when I used to be happy, and it’s too late now.

I’m also bummed out looking for $$$ for an extra church offering as I had to scrounge around in the coin jar and fish out dimes to even find 5$ worth and I’m ashamed we’re so poor now and I feel like a pauper begging  in the street and picking coins off the sidewalk. I miss when we used to have $$$ and not worrying how to pay bills or buy food or if we’ll have enough $$$$, and not having to choose between what to pay for and what to sacrifice, and having $$$$ for extras.Now we just barely scrape by.

The 11 YR old also said she’s going to marry one of the One Direction guys and I told her she’d better have a Back Up Plan, and she asked me if  marrying my hubby was MY Back Up Plan and I laughed and told her, “Yes; my original hope was to marry a European nobleman!” yet I ended up settling for a redneck! How ironic. It drives me nuts as well how he always has to watch something while he eats or reads at the table; he’s just so uncultured.

If only I could rewind my life and just start over again.