I have always loved fur coats. Even when I was a little kid I used to run up to complete strangers and touch their fur coats and I would always look at the teachers in my school that wore fur coats in awe, imagining that one day when I was a grown woman that I too would wear a fur coat as well(I do have a muskrat coat now, even though my dream coat is a full-length silver fox but that’s way out of my price range; the closest I had was a silver fox fur hat I bought in Russia but I lost it in the fire) and,in fact, the first time I can remember really feeling jealous of anyone was in grade 4; a girl in my class named Christine had this long brown rabbit fur coat that went past her knees and I was so jealous that I could TASTE it. I mean, I REALLY wanted that coat so badly. I watched her like a hawk,eyeing that coat, imagining myself with it, wearing it, fantasizing that she would lose it one day and that I would find it and keep it,green with envy, jealous out of my mind, but my mother never saw the sense in buying me a fur coat as kids quickly outgrow things and the closest I ever got was a fur hat and fur mitts. I was crazy out-of-my-mind jealous like never before and I can still remember it to this day.In fact, it was the only time I can really even recall feeling envy over something material.
After that, my envy towards others was more for the happiness and normalcy in their lives that they have( and that comes so easily for them ) that I never could, rather than over material things. I envy those that are normal and don’t struggle with the limits that I do, people who have “easy” lives where everything just seems to go right, work out, come easy, and go their way. People who have good luck, people who aren’t ugly and fat and marginalized in life, people who aren’t bullied and over looked, people have normal life experiences and aren’t always held back. People who have experienced normal dating and relationships, people who “breeze” thru life and haven’t endured all the traumas and misfortunes that I have, people who have more good days than bad, people who have families that love, respect,and cherish them, people that can say they are happy and content with their lives, people that have self esteem and that don’t hate themselves and their lives, people who aren’t failures in everything they do, people who enjoy life and aren’t looking forward to being dead,people who haven’t been broken and destroyed beyond repair, people who don’t regret most of their life, people who don’t wish they were someone else, and people who are loved. This is what I envy now as an adult and what I wish I could have now; what most others have but take for granted.
I just want a normal life.