I am always trying to find my tribe, you know, the group that I fit in to, belong,and where I am accepted and welcomed. I found it once, back in the late 80’s, in the YMCA group where all the others were misfits and outcasts like me, but then the group folded and YRS later I had to move away due to a threat, and I haven’t been able to find a new tribe since. I am always on the outside looking in, longing, different than other people, wanting to belong but always being outcast, shunned and bullied, even by my own family who hates,insults and emotionally abuses me me and barely even tolerates me. This is why I esp. am looking forward to Heaven as there I will finally find love and acceptance and be welcomed with loving open arms. I will finally be loved, welcomed and accepted like I’ve never had or felt here. I will finally find my tribe.
In the meantime my hubby told the 15 YR old that I’m “not his real mother” (which isn’t true) and I was freaking out about something (I had been doing well lately on my meds which have been stabilizing my moods but then it just suddenly hit me out of nowhere) and he and my mother shamed me seething that I “act like a 2 YR old” and he said, “I have to get AWAY from you! I can’t stand to be NEAR you!” and I told him,” How about you leave for GOOD?” and they said how they hate it that I “always blame Asperger’s for everything” and say I can’t help it, even though I can’t,and I can’t control it; it controls me, and it really hurts that people hate, blame and criticize me for being what I am and I’m ashamed and embarrassed and I wish I could cut it(Asperger’s) out of myself, destroy myself,and run away from myself(and I hate myself and wish I was dead) but I can’t, but there’s nothing I can do about it and them blaming me only makes it worse(as if I don’t hate myself enough already).
My hubby also said for me to go on disability so at least I can get some $$$$ out of it but I won’t as anything from the gov’t always comes with a price, usually at the cost of your privacy, rights,and freedom and it’s just not worth it. Someone on the Asperger’s online support group site said they didn’t think Asperger’s is a curse either but it is for me because my family hates me and blames me for it and they make me miserable and it ruins my life and it prevents me from ever having a normal life or ever being able to function normally or independently. My mother still has her bad cough as well but stubbornly refuses to take cough meds simply because *I* suggested it as she automatically has to ignore and dismiss anything that *I* say and she scoffs that it “doesn’t work” and I told her, “Of COURSE it doesn’t work if you don’t TAKE it!” and to think that she used to be a nurse,too, so you’d think she’d know better.
My family sucks.
I’m in the wrong tribe.