My Tribe.

Tribe I am always trying to find my tribe, you know, the group that I fit in to, belong,and where I am accepted and welcomed. I found it once, back in the late 80’s, in the YMCA group where all the others were misfits and outcasts like me, but then the group folded and YRS later I had to move away due to a threat, and I haven’t been able to find a new tribe since. I am always on the outside looking in, longing, different than other people, wanting to belong but always being outcast, shunned and bullied, even by my own family who hates,insults and emotionally abuses me me and barely even tolerates me. This is why I esp. am looking forward to Heaven as there I will finally find love and acceptance and be welcomed with loving open arms. I will finally be loved, welcomed and accepted like I’ve never had or felt  here. I will finally find my tribe.

In the meantime my hubby told the 15 YR old that I’m “not his real mother” (which isn’t true) and I was freaking out about something (I had been doing well lately on my meds which have been stabilizing my moods but then it just suddenly hit me out of nowhere) and he and my mother shamed me seething that I “act like a 2 YR old” and he said, “I have to get AWAY from you! I can’t stand to be NEAR you!” and I told him,” How about you leave for GOOD?” and they said how they hate it that I “always blame Asperger’s for everything” and say I can’t help it, even though I can’t,and I can’t control it; it controls me,  and it really hurts that people hate, blame and criticize me for being what I am and I’m ashamed and embarrassed and I wish I could cut it(Asperger’s) out of myself, destroy myself,and run away from myself(and I hate myself and wish I was dead) but I can’t, but there’s nothing I can do about it and them blaming me only makes it worse(as if I don’t hate myself enough already).

My hubby also said for me to go on disability so at least I can get some $$$$ out of it but I won’t as anything from the gov’t always comes with a price, usually at the cost of your privacy, rights,and freedom and it’s just not worth it. Someone on the Asperger’s online support group site said they didn’t think Asperger’s is a curse either but it is for me because my family hates me and blames me for it and they make me miserable and it ruins my life and it prevents me from ever having a normal life or ever being able to function normally or independently. My mother still has her bad cough as well but stubbornly refuses to take cough meds simply because *I* suggested it as she automatically has to ignore and dismiss anything that *I* say and she scoffs that it “doesn’t work” and I told her, “Of COURSE it doesn’t work if you don’t TAKE it!” and to think that she used to be a nurse,too, so you’d think she’d know better.

My family sucks.

I’m in the wrong tribe.

8 thoughts on “My Tribe.

  1. When did you learn you have Asperger’s? Were you formally diagnosed by a doctor?

    To be blunt, I do have to say that it can come across as you blaming Asperger’s for everything that’s gone wrong in your life.

    It may make your life harder, but it doesn’t make it impossible unless you let it. People develop coping mechanisms and learn to compensate for their deficits if they can’t overcome them (ie social skills training, life skills training, etc.)

    I think lack of experience in the workforce and age would probably be a greater barrier to employment than having Asperger’s. I think that even if you didn’t have Asperger’s, you still have all this awful stuff from childhood and growing up that hasn’t been properly dealt with, and a lack of a decent support system at home. I also wonder if there’s a bit of Narcissistic Personality Disorder mixed with your social phobia; I see a few of the symptoms in your entries and I don’t think it would be a stretch. Insenstive parenting can be a root cause of this.

      • I thought that as well, plus people with that also love themselves and think they’re great and I hate myself and think I’m a failure but I Googled it and I WAS emotionally rejected as a child by my mother and I AM sensitive to rejection and criticism(which can cause it) although that’s probably more likely due to the fact that I’ve always BEEN rejected and criticised in life,and then again, due to Asperger’s and my cruel family.

      • There actually is a type of narcissism called compensatory narcissism: people with deep feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-esteem will try to counteract those aspects by creating illusions of being superior.

        I’ll elaborate more in my reply below.

  2. I don’t need to be formally diagnosed to know I have it when I have all the symptoms and it explains everything, when 2 of our kids had autism and when several relatives are on the autism spectrum. It is also to blame for what’s wrong in my life when it’s the reason I’ve always been different, ostracized and bullied,hated and blamed and is the cause of my limits in life. I agree lack of experience in the workforce and age are factors in not being able to work but so is Asperger’s(and Social Phobia) as I can’t relate to other people or function in social or work situations and have no job or life skills,and I certainly also agree that my traumatic childhood(and other traumas in adulthood as well) are also factors as well, but where do you get the Narcissistic Personality Disorder from though(can you give me some examples?),and are you a professional yourself to diagnose this?

    • No, I am not a professional, but I would recommend that you do try to get a formal diagnosis (of either or both) from a professional. Having a formal diagnosis will at least make it “official”, and if you know for sure, you may be able to get some treatment and therapy. You’ll never be rid of Asperger’s, but the way you always talk about how it controls you makes me think that you haven’t effectively dealt with it. It’s like you found something that justified your feelings of inferiority and gave you an excuse to give up on life.

      I have a lot of problems with you always talking about Asperger’s means you will never relate to people or be able to function as an adult. You haven’t received sufficient professional help to just write yourself off like that. It is also premature to actually say something like that before you have a formal diagnosis. I can’t help but also think that you always going on about it in such a negative way could be very damaging to someone who has Asperger’s that may come across your blog: it’s not that your frustration and difficulty aren’t valid, but you make it sound like anyone who has Asperger’s should just resign themselves to a life of dependence and ostracism, and that they shouldn’t even aspire to have friends or their own lives.

      I was wondering whether your children had some form of autism spectrum disorder based on how you always describe yourself having Asperger’s/Social Phobia. I don’t know how severe their autism is or what type of methods you and your husband used on them though.

      Thoughts on the NPD diagnosis below.

      • I’ve seen you express a lot of the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in your blog entries, that, while I can’t say for sure you actually have it (having never met you or had the formal training to give a diagnosis), there are enough red flags there that I would recommend getting this looked in to.

        -Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation: I’ve seen this happen a few times. You mock and disrespect people and then get hurt when you’re called on it.

        -Taking advantage of others to reach own goals: this is one area I haven’t seen too much of in the blog. The other symptoms are so prevalent that I can’t just write off NPD right away.

        -Exaggerating own importance, achievements, and talents: you do tend to emphasize your moral superiority and “class” over others.

        -Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance: You retreat into fantasies about how if you never married or left Toronto you would still be living an idealized version of your past.

        -Requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others: A lot of this.

        -Becoming jealous easily: Quite a bit of this, especially over happiness and normalcy.

        -Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others: especially if they fall into one of the groups you disparage (environmentalists, feminists, “rednecks”, as if enjoying something you dislike suddenly takes away their work ethic and sense of responsibility)

        -Being obsessed with self: a lot of your blog is self-pity. A lot of inconveniences are treated as examples of your own bad luck.

        -Pursuing mainly selfish goals: wanting to be dead is the ultimate selfish goal (think of how it would destroy your nine year old to lose her closest ally in the family).

        -Trouble keeping healthy relationships: I can’t formally say for sure how your relationships with other people are but you seem to have few friends (the Asperger’s does not help with this either).

        -Becoming easily hurt and rejected: very much so, even if it’s just a disappointment.

        -Setting goals that are unrealistic: you talked about unattainable dreams.

        -Wanting “the best” of everything

        -Appearing unemotional: again, Asperger’s affects your affect and ability to communicate your emotions properly. This is something that you can work on with some conscious effort, but it can be difficult.

        You are clearly not happy and you have a lot to be genuinely sad about in life; but just like getting an MRI at least took some of the mystery out of your pain and health issues, getting psychologically tested and formally diagnosed may at least give you some power to deal with your pain in a substantial way.

      • Thanx for your info; it’s very interesting and informative.The reason I give up on life isn’t necessarily Asperger’s per se(it’s just part of it) it’s just that things never look up and will always stay the same and there’s no hope for any change or improvement and eventually you just break.
        I’m not saying that life isn’t worth living for others who have Asperger’s; it’s just my own personal experience and they don’t necessarily have all the other traumas and issues in their lives that I have,either. In fact, I’ve had friends with Asperger’s in the past that live very full, rich lives and they seem to be very happy. All I know is my own personal perspective; I can’t speak for others.
        As for our 2 kids who had autism; they are no longer with us; we lost them several YRS ago. They were formally diagnosed around 3-4 YRS old but they also had many other severe medical issues as well, not just the autism, and they were under intense medical treatment.
        Again, thanx for your input. It was very helpful.

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