The other day a blog follower informed me that they think I might have an undesirable personality disorder(on top of all of my other issues) and they didn’t say it in a mean way and I think they were trying to be helpful, but it still hurt and it wasn’t an easy thing to hear and it was hard to take, maybe because it could be true(and the truth hurts); it’s quite possible,though, esp. as other conditions often DO co-exist along with Asperger’s and I already know that I DO have depression, Social Phobia,and OCD. It also makes me think that perhaps I’m even more messed up (and hopeless) than I thought as well; all the traumas in my life have left me so broken, damaged,and defective and I feel like such an awful horrible person, like a shit of a human being, yet no one’s perfect though,either,and we ALL have flaws, imperfections,weaknesses,and sins, even major Bible characters did, such as Noah who was a drunkard, David was an adulterer, and Paul was a murderer; even worse sins than me,and I can most identify with Job, who also had more than his fair share of trials and hardships in life and laid down and prayed to die,desperate for it to all end.
They also went on to say that they noticed as well that I escape into an idealized version of my past and unrealistic fantasies, and even though I am aware that going back and seeking elusive comfort in the past doesn’t work I WAS happy in the past and my happy memories are all I have to hold on to and my only source of happiness now, and my blog has alot of” self-pity” reflected in my posts yet it’s not my intended purpose; I merely post from my perspective and I’ve HAD a sad life, and they think I want the “best” of everything too when really I’m just tired of always getting shit all the time and I don’t necessarily have to have the best; I just don’t always want the worst and just want things that work the way they’re supposed to and that aren’t always substandard! They DID acknowledge, however, that I HAVE had a hard life though, am a victim of insufficient parenting, have a right to be sad, and that I have no family support.
On the plus side, however, just shortly after, another blog reader also commented that she felt a “nudge” from God to send me an encouraging word of support and added that she understands what I’m going thru ,feels sad reading my blog,and that she prays for me every night and it came when I was really feeling down and needed it the most, so God works in mysterious ways and works thru other people to send comfort, showing me that He loves me, even when it seems like no one else does.It really means alot to me, and praying for complete strangers is an act of kindness and compassion.
It makes me wonder if maybe my family really is right all along, though: that there’s a reason no one likes me, that everything really IS my fault and I really AM to blame, and whenever there’s an issue I’m always part of the equation so I’m the problem. That’s a hard thing to digest, a difficult thing to accept, and a painful truth to take,even more so when I don’t do it on purpose, don’t mean to, it isn’t my intent,didn’t choose it, wish it wasn’t,would do anything to change it,regret it, and can’t help it. Sadly as well the mental health care in this country is severely lacking as well, esp. for children, but it’s in bad shape for everyone so people are basically just left to their own devices for the most part and just have to learn to live with their disorders on their own and manage it themselves the best that they can and this is not an easy thing and you can see why there’s such a high suicide rate.