Home.

TorontoHouse(ours) When I think of “Home”, the place I felt the most safe, secure, at peace,content,happy,and where I’d want to return to to die, it would be my old house in Toronto(pictured here) where I lived from ages 12-17. It’s where I was the happiest and have the best memories, not like my home now which is just filled with strife, discord,discontent,and where I’m demeaned, devalued,mocked,and ridiculed by my family, and have stress, fear and trauma in my life that I never even knew existed.The way my family treats me makes me feel like I’m back in school again with the bullies; some things never change, and I’ve always been unwanted, unloved,rejected ,bullied, abused, and made to feel worthless and like I don’t matter: by my parents, classmates, guys,and now even by my own hubby and kids,too! They even snicker, jeer and talk about me behind my back when they think I can’t hear( but I can, and it breaks my heart.) and I want to escape my miserable life but I don’t know how.

I told the 18 YR old that he has to do *something* with his life as well(he’s not working or in school, has no interests or goals and doesn’t know what he wants to do) and he sneered that I “haven’t done anything” with MY life,either, even though I had 11 kids, and dedicated my life to raising a family and homeschooling and then he says that my hubby does the highschool lessons(I teach up to grade 8) and when I said but I’M the one that taught everyone to read and write and laid the foundation he spat,”That’s EASY!” and my mother and I were both in the kitchen and she kept bumping me and when I told her to watch it she hissed, “I’m DOING something!” and I reminded HER,”So am I, or does what I’M doing NOT matter?” and she snarled,”NO!” and she also said that  the kids won’t be upset when I die except for the 10 YR old either!!

Our oldest also graduated university and is visiting us for awhile and he was busy writing his Honour’s Thesis and didn’t shave and showed up without a moustache but sporting a big bushy black beard and he looked like either a Jihadist or a Amishman,and he was starving and ate everything he could find and crashed and slept for 15 HRS the first night,too! Back home playing with his siblings he was like a teenager again as well, said the 6 YR old reminded him of “Gollum” from “Lord Of The Rings”, and I was sitting on a chair outside and he wanted it and when I refused(I told him I would be done in 10 minutes and then he could have it) he said that I’M “selfish” even though *I* had it FIRST(and there were other chairs!) and he made fun of my TV shows, and hassled me because my show was on the same time that something HE wanted to watch was on(because something for me doesn’t matter) and I reminded him that I live here and HE’S the guest now and he has to adapt to OUR routines and schedules and NOT the other way around; he can’t just come here and take over and start telling everyone what to do,and then he starts mimicking me when I got mad, pretending to cry, sobbing, “Boo-hoo! I’m upset!” He has a very arrogant and abrasive personality and gets very cruel and hurtful  and can only be tolerated for short periods and he’s ok for a few days and then he starts to get really obnoxious, nasty and mean and it’s time for him to leave! He hasn’t lived here in 5 YRS yet he seems to expect that everyone will just rearrange their entire lives and give up their shows, routines,etc. when he arrives; that he can just walk in and disrupt everything and then he gets mad when we won’t!

I’m just so tired of always being mistreated all the time and then called “selfish”,etc. when I stand up for myself,and whenever I do or say something my mother always runs and “snitches” to my hubby as well to get him on her “side” so he’ll bawl me out,too,and they all gang up on me,always criticizing everything I do and making fun of me and I’m so sick of it.I honestly wonder why God still keeps me alive.

Sometimes sad is so big. It’s everywhere. All over me.