The Pop Shoppe.

PopShoppe I heard a radio commercial mention The Pop Shoppe the other day and I was surprised to see that it’s still around! I thought it was out of business YRS ago as I haven’t seen or heard about it in a long time!When I was a kid in the 70’s and early 80’s we used to get our pop there ( we first heard about it from our cousins who got theirs there as it was cheaper than the usual pop brands) and I can still remember my faves. were the cola and the cream soda and how we used to put the empty bottles in our bundle buggy( which we also used to bring home the artificial Christmas tree we bought , to go grocery shopping, and to take our laundry to the laundry mat as we didn’t have a car) and haul it up there, drop them off and then load it up with the full ones of pop to bring back home again. It’s one of those happy nostalgic memories of a happy time in my life that brings back good memories.

I wish so badly I could go back to The Pop Shoppe time in my life.

As well, our water bill is almost 700$ (having to keep refilling the pool for HRS daily) and the usual is 300$ yet my friend in USA(who also has a pool) says hers is only 150$(so once again we’re being over-charged for EVERYTHING here compared to other countries, no surprise here!) and it’s STILL leaking *somewhere* too and it was down to almost the skimmer line AGAIN, and it’s so puzzling; what’s causing it. The 14 YR old also went with her church youth group( the 15 and 17 YR olds are still away at camp until the middle of August) to Toronto to do charity work with the homeless and then they went to the beach afterwards, I told the 10 YR old that having her was one thing in my life that I DIDN’T regret and my mother snickered,”The ONLY thing!” and I replied,”Gee, thanks for reminding me how shitty my life is!” and the Pope said gays shouldn’t be marginalized and I agree; NO ONE should be marginalized; that doesn’t mean that you accept and condone sin, but you shouldn’t victimize and bully people,either.

My mother was trying to boss around and control the kids again, over-ruling me, and thinks because she helps out financially that it gives her authority over the kids and she excuses her meddling and over-stepping boundaries with my kids as her “opinion” and says “I pay the bills!” and I told HER that’s just part of being a family and because we all live together and we’re struggling but that it still doesn’t give her the right to take over my kids; helping out shouldn’t come with “conditions” and if it DOES then she can move out…..except she won’t! She’s always used $$$ as power and control, asserting it over me,and my hubby wouldn’t pick up the 18 YR old at work because the second-oldest(who’s always been a spoiled pampered Princess when she lived here,always had special rights and came before the other kids and has reverted back to the same ever since she’s been back visiting; everything always revolves around her and still does) wanted to go to the mall  so he took her instead,and what  SHE wants she GETS (some things never change) and the 10 YR old loves the mall and wanted to go too but he and my mother wouldn’t let her as it was the second-oldest’s “special day” out. Ugh. Spare me. I’m glad she’ll be leaving for Japan in a couple of days.She causes alot of conflict,strife, discord and division and is one of those “toxic” people(like my mother) I need to cut out of my life..

The Worm.

Worm The suicidal thoughts and feelings are back again. It almost feels like I have a worm inside me, something dark, something evil. It keeps festering. Most people in my situation might check themselves into the hospital  but I don’t want to be helped. I don’t want to be treated. I don’t want to be saved. I want to let go. I hate my life, my constant bad luck, my traumas, my brokenness,and  I’m so sick of all the blame, regret, insults, bullying,sadness,anxiety, and fear. I hate having Asperger’s, being ugly and fat, being deformed and limited. I know I’ll never be happy again,and I have no hope, no future, no  more dreams, and nothing left to look forward to. No one loves me and all I seem to do is screw up, say and do the wrong thing, get taken the wrong way, turn people off, drive people away, annoy people, and make people hate me,even my own family hates me. This is a miserable existance and I’ve had enough.It’s overwhelming and I’m just too beaten down and destroyed by my life.

The 18 YR old continues to tear me down as well for following God and not the world( I told him I haven’t followed the world yet  and I’m not about to start now and I’m not going to give up on God and follow the world so why is he even wasting his time) taunting my religious faith and he says it’s because I’m stupid and have no logic,and sneers I “must have part of my brain missing to be so dumb” and I THOUGHT that the bullying would end when I left Jr. High but it didn’t; now even my own KIDS mock me,too. It never ends and I can’t get away from it. When I get tired of being always insulted and put down he says I “don’t listen” and then when I break down and cry he jeers, “Stop acting like a 5 YR old!” and when I just can’t take it anymore my mother yells at me,”Stop complaining!” and she and my hubby tell me to “just ignore” him but it’s NOT that easy. It’s almost impossible to ignore the daily taunts and ridicule when he’s always in my face. I shouldn’t HAVE to live like that in my own home. His excuse is that he’s “trying to educate” me so I’m “not so stupid” when really he’s just cruel, condescending and bullying. I wish I could move out but I can’t survive on my own so I’m just trapped.

I just want to die. Day in and day out I’m always being told how stupid I am  and made to feel worthless and dumb and it’s really wearing. I’m just so weary and I’m  tired of being tired. I’m beaten down and defeated emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I’m a broken shattered mess. I’m even angry at God for still letting me live. I pray every day for Him to take my life yet He doesn’t. I BEG for Him to kill me. Why is He even still keeping me alive when He knows how much I want to die? It’s just a cruel joke.

I want OUT.

Cheeseburger Pie.

1 lb lean ground beef
1 large onion (chopped)
1/2 teaspoon of seasoned salt
1/2 teaspoon of garlic powder
a dash or worcester sauce
1 cup of low fat shredded cheddar cheese (I used 3/4 cheddar and 1/4 mozzarella)
1 cup of milk
1/2 cup of Original Bisquick mix
2 eggs

Heat oven to 400°F.
Spray a 9 inch pie plate with non-stick cooking spray
Cook beef and chopped onion in a skillet over medium about 10 minutes or until beef is brown. Drain excess fat.
Stir in salt, garlic powder and worcester sauce and then spread in pie plate
Next, sprinkle the shredded cheese on top of the beef
In a small bowl, whisk together the milk, eggs and Bisquick. Make sure you try to get as many lumps out as you can. Pour over meat mixture.
Bake in oven for 25 minutes or until a knife comes out cleanBake in oven for 25 minutescheeseburger pie
Serves 4-5 people

34 Years Ago Today.

29July It was exactly 34 YRS ago today, 29 July 1979 that I got my first dog, a Beagle. It was a day I’ll never forget as it was very special to me and a day I had been looking forward to for a long time. I was 12 YRS old. Now I want to get a Chihuahua, like I had following ( I had several of them,actually) during my teen YRS, and that would bring back happy memories of a good time in my life but my hubby won’t let me, and sadly everything that I need that would make me happy will always be out of my reach, either because he and my mother won’t allow it or because of my limits due to my Asperger’s, such as my wanting to leave this country and move out on my own but am unable to live independently,function as an adult, or survive on my own so I am always longing, hoping,and dreaming of a life (and for things that will bring some happiness into my life) that I will never have. It’s sort of “funny” as well that most people the shittiest time of their lives is childhood or teen YRS and adulthood is when things improve and  they’re the happiest but for me it’s the exact opposite and although I didn’t KNOW I was happy at the time I WAS when I look back, esp. compared to now, even though Jr. High was horrific (due to extreme and cruel bullying)and despite the fact that I was abused and molested as a child it was still  a happy time otherwise in spite of it but adulthood was when the worst of the traumas began and when my life took a turn for the worst, when the happiness ended and  everything all fell apart.

If only I could go back to 29 July 1979 again and just stay there, frozen in time.


As well, in church the 10 YR old asked me,”Why did you laugh?” and it was when the priest( who’s leaving on Thursday as he’s been reassigned to a new parish) was saying goodbye and said this is a “great town”(is he SERIOUS?) and I had to laugh out loud( they must have MADE him say that!) I just couldn’t help myself; it just automatically came out,  I think the Prime Minister must be around as on the way home from the concert I saw his airplane at the airport as we drove by, my mother always cries poverty and claims she doesn’t have any $$$$ when the 10 YR old asked her to get her a 2 $ toy at the Dollar Store …..yet somehow she DID suddenly have 300$ to spend on the second-oldest(because SHE’S her fave.) and the oldest has had 4 job interviews at banks(he got his university degree in business and finance) since he moved to Calgary last month with one of his resumes making it up to the next level being sent up the chain to the manager, and the 18 YR old(after orientation at his new job at the call centre for only a week) has been referred for a 2 YR apprenticeship for manager already(it’s nice to finally see him excited about something,too!) due to his continual high 90’s scores on all tests(the average is in the 50’s and 60’s) but the only problem I worry about is it’s thru the gov’t and they want to see his highschool diploma…..and being homeschooled he doesn’t HAVE one and I fear they might reject him since we all KNOW the gov’t is f*cked, is known to discriminate against and harrass homeschoolers,and likes to screw people over(Lord knows they’ve done it to ME enough!) but if so we’ll just get the lawyers at HSLDA to get involved since we ARE members and that’s what they’re there for, to advocate for homeschoolers who are being harrassed or discriminated against. I don’t regret that we homeschool (and sending the kids to public school was never an option) but I DO resent all the problems we’d had because of it!

The 14 YR old also said she had fun at camp for the 3 weeks and reported people for smoking marijuana; she recognized the smell from our next door neighbours here who smoke up and told a supervisor, and said bad kids were kicked out of camp too not only for using drugs but for growing marijuana and for having sex in the forest,too! THIS is one of the reasons that we homeschool the kids; to keep them away from bad kids like this at public school and this bad influence so they don’t have to be exposed to this all day, every day,  for the entire YR,and she said they saw black widow and brown recluse spiders(the poisonous ones!) there, and a tornado “funnel” cloud just 1 inch from touching down on the ground and sideways rain during a bad storm! Our oldest’s friend’s family owns a restaurant in Toronto as well and said Justin Bieber went there after his concert and he was throwing Oreos at the staff and other customers. He’s such a twat and proof that  money can’t buy class. He’s so low class and will  still always be a redneck no matter how much money he has. His mother had him when she was 16 and his father’s been in jail; he’ll always be white trash no matter what. He’s such a disgrace and has no talent anyway and is on his way down. He’s such a douche. Isn’t his 15 minutes of fame over yet,anyway?

I also saw a movie and they were saying about why people choose the wrong people and said, “You pick the kind of love  you think you deserve” and it made me sad but maybe  that’s all I DO deserve though? I’ve been told my entire life how ugly , worthless, stupid,and useless I am, and that’s how my hubby treats me, talks down to me,and makes me feel,too. We never did love eachother though; we both just “settled” as neither one of us could do any better and no one else wanted either of us and we both wanted a family so we got together. I don’t deserve any better though. I never have.

Dolma(Stuffed Vine Leaves)

2 large onions, finely chopped
1/2 cup olive oil
1 head garlic
1 tomato, chopped
1 cup lemon juice
1 tablespoon tomato paste
Kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper
1 cup white rice
1/4 cup chopped dill
1 (16-ounce) jar grape leaves
Put the onions and oil in a skillet and cook over medium heat until the onions are soft and translucent, about 10 minutes. While the onions cook, peel the garlic cloves and mash them to a paste in a mortar and pestle. Add this to the pan along with the tomato, lemon juice, tomato paste, and salt and pepper to taste. Cook for another 5 minutes. Stir in the rice. Remove the pan from the heat and stir in the dill. Set aside to cool to room temperature, then refrigerate.

While this is cooling, drain the grape leaves and carefully pull them apart. Put them into a bowl and cover them with cold water. Let them soak until you are ready to roll.

Heat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Place a grape leaf on your work surface, shiny side down. Add 1 tablespoon of the rice mixture to the middle of the grape leaf. Fold the sides over the rice and roll the leaf into a small log shape, about the size of George’s thumb. Repeat with the remaining rice, placing the stuffed leaves into a 9 by 9-inch baking dish. When the dish is full, cover the stuffed leaves with several layers of flat grape leaves and pour in 1 cup of water. Cover and bake for 1 hour. Let cool to room temperature and refrigerate. Serve cool.