The Pop Shoppe.

PopShoppe I heard a radio commercial mention The Pop Shoppe the other day and I was surprised to see that it’s still around! I thought it was out of business YRS ago as I haven’t seen or heard about it in a long time!When I was a kid in the 70’s and early 80’s we used to get our pop there ( we first heard about it from our cousins who got theirs there as it was cheaper than the usual pop brands) and I can still remember my faves. were the cola and the cream soda and how we used to put the empty bottles in our bundle buggy( which we also used to bring home the artificial Christmas tree we bought , to go grocery shopping, and to take our laundry to the laundry mat as we didn’t have a car) and haul it up there, drop them off and then load it up with the full ones of pop to bring back home again. It’s one of those happy nostalgic memories of a happy time in my life that brings back good memories.

I wish so badly I could go back to The Pop Shoppe time in my life.

As well, our water bill is almost 700$ (having to keep refilling the pool for HRS daily) and the usual is 300$ yet my friend in USA(who also has a pool) says hers is only 150$(so once again we’re being over-charged for EVERYTHING here compared to other countries, no surprise here!) and it’s STILL leaking *somewhere* too and it was down to almost the skimmer line AGAIN, and it’s so puzzling; what’s causing it. The 14 YR old also went with her church youth group( the 15 and 17 YR olds are still away at camp until the middle of August) to Toronto to do charity work with the homeless and then they went to the beach afterwards, I told the 10 YR old that having her was one thing in my life that I DIDN’T regret and my mother snickered,”The ONLY thing!” and I replied,”Gee, thanks for reminding me how shitty my life is!” and the Pope said gays shouldn’t be marginalized and I agree; NO ONE should be marginalized; that doesn’t mean that you accept and condone sin, but you shouldn’t victimize and bully people,either.

My mother was trying to boss around and control the kids again, over-ruling me, and thinks because she helps out financially that it gives her authority over the kids and she excuses her meddling and over-stepping boundaries with my kids as her “opinion” and says “I pay the bills!” and I told HER that’s just part of being a family and because we all live together and we’re struggling but that it still doesn’t give her the right to take over my kids; helping out shouldn’t come with “conditions” and if it DOES then she can move out…..except she won’t! She’s always used $$$ as power and control, asserting it over me,and my hubby wouldn’t pick up the 18 YR old at work because the second-oldest(who’s always been a spoiled pampered Princess when she lived here,always had special rights and came before the other kids and has reverted back to the same ever since she’s been back visiting; everything always revolves around her and still does) wanted to go to the mall  so he took her instead,and what  SHE wants she GETS (some things never change) and the 10 YR old loves the mall and wanted to go too but he and my mother wouldn’t let her as it was the second-oldest’s “special day” out. Ugh. Spare me. I’m glad she’ll be leaving for Japan in a couple of days.She causes alot of conflict,strife, discord and division and is one of those “toxic” people(like my mother) I need to cut out of my life..

The Worm.

Worm The suicidal thoughts and feelings are back again. It almost feels like I have a worm inside me, something dark, something evil. It keeps festering. Most people in my situation might check themselves into the hospital  but I don’t want to be helped. I don’t want to be treated. I don’t want to be saved. I want to let go. I hate my life, my constant bad luck, my traumas, my brokenness,and  I’m so sick of all the blame, regret, insults, bullying,sadness,anxiety, and fear. I hate having Asperger’s, being ugly and fat, being deformed and limited. I know I’ll never be happy again,and I have no hope, no future, no  more dreams, and nothing left to look forward to. No one loves me and all I seem to do is screw up, say and do the wrong thing, get taken the wrong way, turn people off, drive people away, annoy people, and make people hate me,even my own family hates me. This is a miserable existance and I’ve had enough.It’s overwhelming and I’m just too beaten down and destroyed by my life.

The 18 YR old continues to tear me down as well for following God and not the world( I told him I haven’t followed the world yet  and I’m not about to start now and I’m not going to give up on God and follow the world so why is he even wasting his time) taunting my religious faith and he says it’s because I’m stupid and have no logic,and sneers I “must have part of my brain missing to be so dumb” and I THOUGHT that the bullying would end when I left Jr. High but it didn’t; now even my own KIDS mock me,too. It never ends and I can’t get away from it. When I get tired of being always insulted and put down he says I “don’t listen” and then when I break down and cry he jeers, “Stop acting like a 5 YR old!” and when I just can’t take it anymore my mother yells at me,”Stop complaining!” and she and my hubby tell me to “just ignore” him but it’s NOT that easy. It’s almost impossible to ignore the daily taunts and ridicule when he’s always in my face. I shouldn’t HAVE to live like that in my own home. His excuse is that he’s “trying to educate” me so I’m “not so stupid” when really he’s just cruel, condescending and bullying. I wish I could move out but I can’t survive on my own so I’m just trapped.

I just want to die. Day in and day out I’m always being told how stupid I am  and made to feel worthless and dumb and it’s really wearing. I’m just so weary and I’m  tired of being tired. I’m beaten down and defeated emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I’m a broken shattered mess. I’m even angry at God for still letting me live. I pray every day for Him to take my life yet He doesn’t. I BEG for Him to kill me. Why is He even still keeping me alive when He knows how much I want to die? It’s just a cruel joke.

I want OUT.

Cheeseburger Pie.

1 lb lean ground beef
1 large onion (chopped)
1/2 teaspoon of seasoned salt
1/2 teaspoon of garlic powder
a dash or worcester sauce
1 cup of low fat shredded cheddar cheese (I used 3/4 cheddar and 1/4 mozzarella)
1 cup of milk
1/2 cup of Original Bisquick mix
2 eggs

Heat oven to 400°F.
Spray a 9 inch pie plate with non-stick cooking spray
Cook beef and chopped onion in a skillet over medium about 10 minutes or until beef is brown. Drain excess fat.
Stir in salt, garlic powder and worcester sauce and then spread in pie plate
Next, sprinkle the shredded cheese on top of the beef
In a small bowl, whisk together the milk, eggs and Bisquick. Make sure you try to get as many lumps out as you can. Pour over meat mixture.
Bake in oven for 25 minutes or until a knife comes out cleanBake in oven for 25 minutescheeseburger pie
Serves 4-5 people