I have never liked myself and have always wanted to be someone else. I have never really had a personality or identity of my own and have always “borrowed” aspects of other people’s that I admire instead and blended it into my own unique style. I have imitated and copied other people’s styles,mannerisms, speech, voice, laugh,hairstyle, etc. and made it my own, trying to be like them. Growing up I would also go out to the store and buy the same clothes, boots, purses, backpacks, etc, other people had, imitating their style. I am a copycat. I am always trying to re-invent myself and be someone new ,anyone other than who I am, desperate to be someone else, anyone else. I don’t want to be me so I watch others and take a bit from this person and a bit from that person and put it all together,taking the best from everyone I like and blending it, sort of like Frankenstein’s monster,hoping to create a new and better me. I am also always trying to find my niche, trying to “find” myself, where I fit in and where I belong but other than the YMCA group back in the late 80’s (where we were all misfits and all had either social, emotional, or mental disabilities) which eventually disbanded, I still haven’t found it yet (and I’m 46 YRS old now) and I fear I never will. I’m still searching. I’m restless and sometimes it seems like I’m the only one like me out there.
As well, the 10 YR old has One Direction posters all over her bedroom wall and it makes me nostalgic, remembering from when I was 12-13 and had my bedroom walls plastered with posters of a teen’s heart-throbs of the day (Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garret, Erik Estrada, John Travolta, Paul McCartney,Scott Baio, etc.) and the 15 YR old cut up a pair of perfectly good 3 -D glasses with gardening shears just for the sake of being destructive and it saddens and worries me that they like to destroy things and have no respect for anything, and my mother’s aunt who’s dying of cancer says she doesn’t want any treatment (surgery, chemo, a stint,etc.) and says not to bother and she doesn’t want any fuss as she’s lived a good and long life(she’s 86) without any health issues until now and she’s ready to die now, so at least she has a good attitude about it!