Black Market Bakery.

BakedGoods When you think of the Black Market you usually think of drugs, guns or other stolen goods such as electronics, not baked goods, but our next-door neighbours actually buy cakes, buns, bread, pastries, cupcakes, etc.! A few times a week this guy comes to their house and opens the trunk of his car where he’s loaded up with bags and boxes of baked goods that he sells them really cheap. They told us that he works at the grocery store and that’s where he gets it from so I guess he either steals it or at the end of the day they’re to throw it out and he just sells it(although he always comes by during the day, not in the evenings) instead and they always have so much left over they bring us over cakes and pastries, etc. as well so we get lots of free food which we gratefully accept as (a) we’re not too proud to accept charity (b) We love dessert (c) We’re short of $$$$ and any donation is gratefully accepted (d) It would be rude to say no (e) It saves us alot of $$$$ on our grocery bill.My mother thinks they give it to us so we don’t report their illegal activity but we wouldn’t anyway as we’re not snitches , we mind our own business,and we don’t believe in informing on people.

I also saw a lady walking a Chihuahua down our street and I felt a sad envy as I so badly want to get another one again myself but my hubby won’t let me, stifling and crushing my dream, it’s so hot my chocolate bar all melted so I put it in the freezer and froze it and it reverted back to a solid so I could eat it, 3 of the kids are now at summer camp; one is here locally and the others are 7 HRS away; one returns the end of the month but the others not until the middle of  August, the 10 YR old has this joke where she says her “rude part” is missing and it fell off and  she lost it and each day she finds it in a different place such as in the pool skimmer, in my bag, in the Lost & Found box at church, etc, I think the PVR hates me as it’s always MY TV shows that *I* set to record that always end up skipped,erased, or deleted and that never record and it’s always given me trouble right from the very beginning and I just want to toss it right out the window, and I saw on the news a funeral a flag was draped over the coffin and to me that would be the biggest insult ever; to have the Canadian flag on my coffin since I hate this country so much it would be a final indignity to me to have it over my dead body!

It’s been sooo hot lately as well and I like the heat but HATE the humidity and I like those long, lazy, hazy days of summer where the most productive thing you do is just lay in the grass and study an ant as it goes by, and I grew up in the Chinese culture due to my friends and due to that I have always held Chinese people up to a higher standard as well(morally, ethically,academically, etc.)admiring their culture, and expected more of them compared to other people; sort of a reverse racism, and whenever I hear someone Chinese has committed an offence of some sort I feel extra disappointed for some reason, and my stupid computer was acting up again and my hubby was also downloading so everything was slow for me(everything took FOREVER to load!) but he didn’t care and took his sweet time to turn it off (even when it was done) so I could use the InterNet (just to piss me off) and always uses these big technical computer terms (he’s a computer systems analyst admin.) explaining things to me too(knowing I don’t understand WHAT he’s talking about) and he’s always condescending and  talking down to me all the time,too, making me feel retarded and it makes me just want to DIE, just being so dumb and being made fun of all the time and it makes me feel so bad about myself. My self-esteem is at it’s lowest ever since I got with him and  whenever I speak he refers to  it as “yakking” and my mother calls it “nattering”, always so insulting,belittling,and demeaning.

Everyone tells me that I should leave, and I do WANT to(it would be my greatest wish) but due to my Asperger’s and lack of life skills I can’t as I know I can’t survive on my own and people say it’s an “excuse” but it’s really not; normal everyday life trips me up and overwhelms me and I don’t understand things like banking, taxes, paying bills, etc. that are complicated for me and if I left and moved out on my own I’d end up like the widows in the Biblical times that didn’t have sons to provide for them: destitute, vulnerable, and defenseless and I’d end up like one of those homeless people and be living in the street with nowhere to go and no one to look after me. I really AM trapped; by my limits, in my life, in a situation I have no way out of and am powerless to escape.My mother and hubby also make fun of, criticize,and berate me for getting mad, yelling and freaking out so “much” but I get so frustrated, overwhelmed and stressed with my life and then I just get blamed for how I feel and for how I express it,too!

I leave you with a little song I still remember from summer camp as a kid:

“Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, but if you get hit with a bucket of shit be sure and close your eyes!”