Broken.

Broken(new) The 18 YR old told me once again that I’m “dumb”, a “bad mother”, and sneered to “Get one of the smarter kids to do it for you”, and called it “brutal honesty” when I told him he was being hurtful and cruel,and it hurts how he’s always telling me how stupid I am, what a bad mother I am and how I embarrass him, esp. since we used to be so close once, when he was younger(and he used to be so sweet!) and even when I told him how it makes me feel( I thought perhaps he wasn’t aware of how hurtful he was being and how mean it was) he snickered it made HIM feel GOOD!(to hurt me)which only crushed me even more!! What’s WRONG with him? He’s just a bully! Why does he hate me so much? What have I ever done to him to deserve it? I’m just like Abe’s mother Mary in the “Breaking Amish” TV show I watch; she’s around my age and wants to leave her community just like I wish I could leave my family,life, situation,and circumstances, too, and move out on my own but she(like me) has nowhere to go, no $$$$, no skills,and no support and couldn’t survive on her own and needs someone to take care of her and is forced to stay,helpless and trapped in a life that makes her unhappy.

As for the 18 YR old I know he hates me(just like my hubby does) and resents me  because I’m stupid and limited(due to my Asperger’s) and it’s not fair; I can’t help it, it’s not my fault, and I don’t have any control over it( and if I HAD any CHOICE I wouldn’t want it,either; I don’t like it, didn’t ask for it and wish I wasn’t like this,either) and all my traumas in my life have also beaten me down, broken me and destroyed me,and my last 2 (an enemy threatening us and we had to move under duress and suddenly disappear during the night to safety, and our son having leukemia) just completely gutted me and finished me off so that now there’s nothing left of me anymore; it completely changed me and I’m different now and not even the same person anymore and he hates me and blames me for it. It’s bad enough that I’ve been traumatized and broken by my life but now even my own kids hate me and blame me for it,too! I never should have even HAD kids; they bully me now,too, just like everyone else and I’ve been bullied, abused, victimized,and scapegoated my entire LIFE and now I’m even the family punching bag as well.

The 18 YR old just treats me like crap, insults me, talks back, is mouthy, rude, disrespectful, disobedient,calls me vile names such as “c*nt”, is a bully,  cruel, etc. and then when I protest he yells, “SHUT UP!” to me and screams I’M “obnoxious”, etc. and I can’t take it anymore.He lives here rent-free, doesn’t earn his keep, doesn’t go to school or have a job; all he does all day is play games on his computer and he acts like that and I’ve had enough. His time here is up; he has to get a job and move OUT. I’m NOT putting up with him and his attitude anymore and I want him out. I also pray to God to let me see the value and worth in myself that He does because I don’t see it.

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As well,the pool guys came about the leak and as it turns out the lever on the filter was just loose and in-between the “back wash” and “filter” setting so when we THINK we have it on “filter”(the everyday setting to run the pump) when we switch it back after back washing it’s REALLY more back washing and draining out the water and THAT’S why we’ve been losing so much water every day, our satellite was out for 12 HRS and when it did come back all the TV shows set to record on the PVR were still all there….except for MY 2 shows, of course; mine were the only ones that had to be re-set(it figures); I’m cursed with bad luck and the PVR hates me, my mother’s now buying baked goods from the Black Market Bakery; the guy who sells baked goods out of the back of his car to the neighbours and he sells everything for a dollar each; a dollar per cake, a dollar per bag of buns, a dollar per pack of muffins, etc, Toronto had a bad storm and flash flooding; the worst ever and got 126 mm rain in a DAY; as much as they get in 2 MONTHS(we never even got any rain at all), and between that, the floods in Alberta, and the train derailment and explosion and fire in Quebec(the cargo was crude oil) that destroyed pretty well an entire town I wonder if God is somehow punishing this country for being so liberal and  immoral, and I saw on the news they’re doing some memorial for the military that were killed in Afghanistan and I wondered what about the thousands of innocents civilians THEY killed over THERE; what are they doing to remember and honour THEM?(I bet nothing) and my hubby bought the 6 YR old a new bike,too, even though everyone else just got them passed down( only the oldest boy and girl got new ones and then they were passed down, donated, or bought used  at garage sales) even though it cost 80$ we don’t have to spare( and I thought he’d get it second-hand or at least on sale) and the 10 YR old doesn’t have a bike that fits her, either( the ones we have are all either too big or too small; she’s in-between) yet he didn’t get anything for her….