Burn,Baby,Burn!

17July(new) It’s SOOOOOO HOT!!!! It feels like my eyes are melting! 32 C and feels like 43 C (it reminded me of when I was in Egypt; it was 42 C) which is 89.6 F and 109.4 F and we have a severe storm coming but it’ll provide much-needed relief to cool it down! The air feels so thick and heavy as well(esp. with my breathing problem as well) it’s hard to breathe and it feels like a car or something heavy’s on my chest every time I take a breath! All you can do to cool down is spend all day in the pool,but the good of it is my suntan is really dark! Earlier today while I was in the pool while it was still hot and sunny it started to rain heavily all of a sudden out of nowhere while the sky was still blue and it was still sunny, it was so weird! The heatwave’s supposed to last all week so it’ll be nice when it finally ends!

I Forgot…..

Forgot I FORGOT:

– What it felt like to be in love ( it’s been 26 YRS afterall, and after all that he never even loved me back!)

– What it was like to be happy.

– My times- tables

– How to ride a bike

– Alot of the languages I knew; living here I don’t get a chance to use them so now I’m “rusty”

– How to play guitar

– How to play violin

– How to trust anyone

– What it was like to feel safe and secure

– The exact times my kids were born(I can only remember 2 of them)

– What it’s like to like where I live.

– How to enjoy life.

– To mention that at the ethnic festival they were giving away free T-shirts with “I love Canada” on it and of course I declined. To wear it would be phony and hypocritical for me when I hate this place with a passion.

– How to live.

-The person I used to be once.

-My life before all the traumas came and took everything away.

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As well, our second-oldest is here for a visit for a couple of weeks until she moves to Japan in early August, our 18 YR old got the job and starts his first day today, my mother’s aunt died even though it’s only been 2 weeks and she was given 6 weeks and she knew it was coming as on Saturday she told my cousin she didn’t have long and thought it would be on Saturday or Sunday( she died on Monday) and said her husband(who’s been dead for 12 YRS) was waiting for her and she’d look off into the distance, up at something, as if the “veil” was thinning and she could see someone. I also have a big dark brown patch on my jawline on one side of my face that looks like melasma so I must be near menopause(as it’s hormone related and triggered by sun exposure) and all these sores and scabs all over my arms and legs for weeks too that aren’t healing and it makes me look like a junkie, and it’s still sooo hot ( 30 C with humidex of 40 C) it feels like my EYES are melting, and a Facebook friend’s(she’s from Sweden but lives in Nepal) dog was poisoned by a neighbour and died! So sad.

The 10 YR old’s also been saving up her allowance $$$$ for months now and finally has 50$ to buy the iPod she’s been wanting and my hubby asked me accusingly where she’s “all of a sudden” gotten all this $$$ from, insinuating that *I* gave it to her(which I didn’t; I don’t even HAVE any $$$) and whenever I remind him anything(because he always forgets everything) he screams at me that I’m “always nagging”….yet if I DON’T remind him he forgets and then he blames ME for NOT reminding him so I can’t “win” either way, and my family even hates the sound of my VOICE which they find “screeching”; they hate everything ABOUT me, and I can’t even speak without my hubby shooting me down with yelling at me or with some insult, criticism, blame,dismissal,  talking down to me,accusation, etc. and it’s gotten so bad that I’m wondering if I should even TALK to him at ALL anymore; I’m just so beaten down, and due to the experiences and traumas in my life I carry  unbearable unspeakable grief, fear, terror, self-hatred, regret,anxiety, stress, trauma, and knowledge that I am nothing.

I wish I COULD forget.