I actually live 2 lives, the real life that everyone sees day to day, the one that I eke out a miserable existance and drudge thru, just waiting to die, and I live a secret life inside my head, the life I really wish I had. In my secret hidden life inside my head I live a fantasy life the way I wish my life could be, the way it would be if I wasn’t held back by my Asperger’s, my unfortunate looks, and financial situation. In the life inside my head I’m not fat, ugly,and stupid, and I live on my own, where I have a Chihuahua, and I have left Canada. Not too unreasonable, too far a stretch, or too much to ask for most people, but then again, I’m not most people.To me this is just a dream that will sadly never become a reality. In another version I’m also happily married to a wonderful man that loves and cherishes me and that I love and who treats me with love, kindness,respect,and who doesn’t think I’m stupid and make me feel worthless. In my secret life my family loves me and my life hasn’t turned against me and traumatized me and made me the broken vessel that I am in reality. In my secret life I am happy again and I am whole. This is where I can “escape” to every day, and the only way to ever get the life I want and the closest way to ever being able to experience it.
As well, the 18 YR old’s job is selling people TV channel package subscriptions over the phone, incl. porn channels which I am whole heartedly, completely,absolutely, and utterly against due it’s extreme sinfulness and he said “That’s just what YOU say!” and I reminded him,”That’s what GOD says; it’s NOT just ME!” and he sneered that I’m “judgemental”(what he always says when I tell him things are immoral) and I reminded him that things are either right or wrong and certain things are just plain wrong, such as porn, abortion, pedophilia, and homosexuality, for example,and there’s no way around it, and my hubby said that I “Don’t want to be part of this family” ( just because I don’t play their silly games like saying he’s an “alien” from another planet, or only going out the front door if we’re going for a walk and the side door only if we’re going in the van,etc.) and I told him,” YOU’RE the ones that don’t WANT me to be part of the family!” and the heatwave FINALLY broke,too; it’s 28 C but not humid so we finally got some relief, and the 15 YR old came home and had a visit from camp for a few HRS and said he wanted me to cut his hair….but then chewed me out complaining I’d “screw it up” and cut it too short, etc. so I just said forget it; if he doesn’t like the way I do it then he can just get the barber at camp to do it instead; I don’t need this shit!