It was exactly 34 YRS ago today, 29 July 1979 that I got my first dog, a Beagle. It was a day I’ll never forget as it was very special to me and a day I had been looking forward to for a long time. I was 12 YRS old. Now I want to get a Chihuahua, like I had following ( I had several of them,actually) during my teen YRS, and that would bring back happy memories of a good time in my life but my hubby won’t let me, and sadly everything that I need that would make me happy will always be out of my reach, either because he and my mother won’t allow it or because of my limits due to my Asperger’s, such as my wanting to leave this country and move out on my own but am unable to live independently,function as an adult, or survive on my own so I am always longing, hoping,and dreaming of a life (and for things that will bring some happiness into my life) that I will never have. It’s sort of “funny” as well that most people the shittiest time of their lives is childhood or teen YRS and adulthood is when things improve and they’re the happiest but for me it’s the exact opposite and although I didn’t KNOW I was happy at the time I WAS when I look back, esp. compared to now, even though Jr. High was horrific (due to extreme and cruel bullying)and despite the fact that I was abused and molested as a child it was still a happy time otherwise in spite of it but adulthood was when the worst of the traumas began and when my life took a turn for the worst, when the happiness ended and everything all fell apart.
If only I could go back to 29 July 1979 again and just stay there, frozen in time.
As well, in church the 10 YR old asked me,”Why did you laugh?” and it was when the priest( who’s leaving on Thursday as he’s been reassigned to a new parish) was saying goodbye and said this is a “great town”(is he SERIOUS?) and I had to laugh out loud( they must have MADE him say that!) I just couldn’t help myself; it just automatically came out, I think the Prime Minister must be around as on the way home from the concert I saw his airplane at the airport as we drove by, my mother always cries poverty and claims she doesn’t have any $$$$ when the 10 YR old asked her to get her a 2 $ toy at the Dollar Store …..yet somehow she DID suddenly have 300$ to spend on the second-oldest(because SHE’S her fave.) and the oldest has had 4 job interviews at banks(he got his university degree in business and finance) since he moved to Calgary last month with one of his resumes making it up to the next level being sent up the chain to the manager, and the 18 YR old(after orientation at his new job at the call centre for only a week) has been referred for a 2 YR apprenticeship for manager already(it’s nice to finally see him excited about something,too!) due to his continual high 90’s scores on all tests(the average is in the 50’s and 60’s) but the only problem I worry about is it’s thru the gov’t and they want to see his highschool diploma…..and being homeschooled he doesn’t HAVE one and I fear they might reject him since we all KNOW the gov’t is f*cked, is known to discriminate against and harrass homeschoolers,and likes to screw people over(Lord knows they’ve done it to ME enough!) but if so we’ll just get the lawyers at HSLDA to get involved since we ARE members and that’s what they’re there for, to advocate for homeschoolers who are being harrassed or discriminated against. I don’t regret that we homeschool (and sending the kids to public school was never an option) but I DO resent all the problems we’d had because of it!
The 14 YR old also said she had fun at camp for the 3 weeks and reported people for smoking marijuana; she recognized the smell from our next door neighbours here who smoke up and told a supervisor, and said bad kids were kicked out of camp too not only for using drugs but for growing marijuana and for having sex in the forest,too! THIS is one of the reasons that we homeschool the kids; to keep them away from bad kids like this at public school and this bad influence so they don’t have to be exposed to this all day, every day, for the entire YR,and she said they saw black widow and brown recluse spiders(the poisonous ones!) there, and a tornado “funnel” cloud just 1 inch from touching down on the ground and sideways rain during a bad storm! Our oldest’s friend’s family owns a restaurant in Toronto as well and said Justin Bieber went there after his concert and he was throwing Oreos at the staff and other customers. He’s such a twat and proof that money can’t buy class. He’s so low class and will still always be a redneck no matter how much money he has. His mother had him when she was 16 and his father’s been in jail; he’ll always be white trash no matter what. He’s such a disgrace and has no talent anyway and is on his way down. He’s such a douche. Isn’t his 15 minutes of fame over yet,anyway?
I also saw a movie and they were saying about why people choose the wrong people and said, “You pick the kind of love you think you deserve” and it made me sad but maybe that’s all I DO deserve though? I’ve been told my entire life how ugly , worthless, stupid,and useless I am, and that’s how my hubby treats me, talks down to me,and makes me feel,too. We never did love eachother though; we both just “settled” as neither one of us could do any better and no one else wanted either of us and we both wanted a family so we got together. I don’t deserve any better though. I never have.