Cancer Bear.

GreenBear Today I introduce to our 7th child, our 15 YR old.He’s in grade 10 and isn’t sure yet what he wants to do but he is interested in medicine. He likes green, bears (his fave. toy is “Good Green Bearby” a green stuffed bear I bought for him at the hospital gift shop when he was first diagnosed with cancer 8 YRS ago) computer and video games (esp. “MineCraft”) “Magic the Gathering” card game, Jiu-jitsu, “Nova”, “The Big Bang Theory”, “Dr. Who”, “Degrassi”, puzzles, Sudoku, loud music, etc. He’s also mouthy,rude, and obnoxious( otherwise known as a typical teenage boy) and he’s the one that I worry about the most, the reason being that he almost died 3 times: once before he was born, when he was born,and when he was 7 YRS old. While I was 10 weeks prego with him I started hemmoraging(as it turned out it kept on and off for the next 10 weeks) so heavy that it soaked thru my mattress and I had miscarriages before and I was sure he was gone( and this bleeding was even heavier) but he wasn’t; when I went to the ER they found a heartbeat but gave him a 50-50 chance of survival and said if I wanted to save the pregnancy I had to be on bed rest for a week in hopes the bleeding would let up. As it turned out there was a huge blood clot in-between the placenta and the cervix. He did survive that initial scare but then at 35 weeks I started massive bleeding again and also expelled the huge clot(the size of an apple by then) and I didn’t feel him moving so I took an ambulance to the hospital, fearing he was stillborn(or close to it), but he was born the next day, a preemie, not breathing, and flopped out blue and had to be revived and spent a week in the NICU with several periods where he’d stop breathing. We even had the priest come and baptize him right there because we weren’t sure if he’d survive. Those were very perilous times but God kept him safe and got us thru a very stressful and worrisome time.

Then when he was 7 YRS old he had leukemia and when he was diagnosed(he didn’t have the “typical” symptoms; I just had this nagging “feeling” that he had it I’m sure was a “whisper” from God) his blood counts were so critically low they said he was within days of dying of a brain bleed or a heart attack as his platelets and hemoglobin were so low (and he’ll always have a heart murmur due to it) and he endured 2 1/2 YRS of chemo and is now in remission but due to the possibility of relapse I can never really breathe easy (and he has annual check-ups for the rest of his life to monitor it)and I always have a diligent paranoia when it comes to him now due to the precarious pregnancy I had with him, his traumatic birth and the cancer; now every time he gets a fever, a headache, a nosebleed, is tired( and if he naps during the day I go absolutely ape-shit) bruise, or is sick I am fearful with panic and worry that the cancer’s back, whereas before I would have thought it was a virus or just comes with being a kid but the ordeal has forever changed the way I think, react, and process things now, and my entire perception is different. I worry about the health, safety,and well-being of ALL of my kids but I esp. worry about his because he has been thru so much and has given me the most concern medically.

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As well, we got a pack of chicken breasts that was supposed to have 8 in it but we only got 7 and we ALWAYS get the “shit” of everything; the one with the missing piece/s, the defective one, the recalled one, the broken one, etc. it’s like we really ARE cursed,  my mother snickered gleefully to me about the 10 YR old (because she got me the wrong calender) “So I guess you don’t like HER now?” and I told her, “No, unlike YOU, I DON’T hold grudges forever and hate people for the rest of their lives just because they do something that I don’t like!” and someone( I suspect the kids) either lost or threw out my toothbrush again and it’s always MY stuff that gets lost, “misplaced” or thrown out and I’m sick of everyone always disrespecting my stuff!

In church yesterday they sang the national anthem as well and I refused to sing it in a defiant silent act of political protest: I won’t sing to honour a country that I hate, that has screwed me over, and wish I could leave(it feels phony and hypocritical to do so), and the Tom Petty song “American Girl” lyric sounds just like me and how I feel(even though I’m not American) about Canada,too, and how I wish I could live elsewhere: “She couldn’t help thinkin’ there was a little more to life somewhere else after all it was a great big world with lots of places to run to and if she had to die tryin’ she had one little promise she was gonna keep.” and today’s Remembrance Day and I think of and pray for the innocent VICTIMS of war and NOT for the military  who nowadays wage unjust wars such as in Iraq and Afghanistan and I refuse to wear a red poppy like a “sheeple” who mindlessly just follow the herd,and I’ve never gone along with the crowd anyway.