My Avatar.

Avatar This is the avatar I made of myself from Bitstrips, an app I used thru my Facebook account. You can customize it to look just like you with face shape, body type, hair and eye colour, etc.. Isn’t it the funniest thing? You can also make comic strips out of it and invite your friends and include them in the comics with you. It’s so much fun! Here’s what I look like(somewhat, it’s still prettier than the real me) and even wearing my fave. colour, purple!

Living With Asperger’s.

Aspergers It’s really hard living with Asperger’s and it really impairs my life, how I interact with other people, having to navigate my way thru life, how I relate to the world around around me, how I understand things, how I react, why I am the way I am, why I’ve never been like other people(and never will be) why people think I’m weird, why I’m different, and have always been ostracized and bullied. Due to it I have no job, life, or social skills and will never be able to live on my own, survive on my own, function like other people do, have a job, or live an independent adult life. I will always need someone to take care of me. My greatest wish would be to move out on my own, to leave this country,and to have my own place with a Chihuahua but it’s never going to happen because I lack the necessary tools.

I also don’t know how to relate to other people and feel uneasy, uncomfortable, nervous, awkward and anxious around them and prefer to be on my own.I never know what to say around them, or how to act, or what to talk about or what to do. “Small talk” absolutely baffles me,and I always end up asking too personal questions and saying the wrong things and come across as rude or insensitive even though it’s not my intention. I have Social Phobia as well and I get panic attacks when I’m in a group of people, esp. those I don’t know(and I can’t talk on the phone or in front of people, such as giving a speech or a presentation) so I don’t venture out much and prefer to stay in the safety of my home where I feel safe, esp. after a lifetime of abuse, victimization, and bullying. For this same reason I hope I don’t live to see my kids’ future spouses and children because it’s just even more people(strangers) that I’ll have to deal with. I always seem to do and say the wrong things as well and offend people, turn them off,and drive them away,and once people get to know me they hate me. I have learned I have to “hide” who I really am and not ever get too close to people and not let them get to know the “real” me. I am good at keeping secrets and  hiding who I really am( because people hate me for what I am even though I can’t help it).It’s called survival.

I struggle in every aspect in life,too, such as I can’t even do basic math, I have a perception problem and can’t judge space or distance, can’t follow a map or directions, can’t assemble things, my patience and  tolerance level is very low and I get frustrated and overwhelmed very easily and it doesn’t take much to set me off into a rage or into tears, and many basic skills and life skills that come easy for others, that come easily and naturally for them I am clueless about, don’t understand and struggle with(  unwritten rules,reading social cues and body language, for example) and they trip me up time and time again. One example would be that I can’t distinguish between if someone is just being nice to me or if they’re interested in me romantically because I’m not used to either(I’m just used to people mistreating me) and if someone shows me kindness, for example, I don’t recognize it and I have mistakenly taken it the wrong way,with disasterous and embarrassing results!

Asperger’s greatly impairs my life. I wish I could just take a knife and cut it out of me. It makes me feel dumb and like a freak. I hate it and I hate myself for having it.

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As well,  a Facebook friend joked if my mother and 14 and 15 YR olds on their Caribbean trip could” bring her back some ganja from Bob Marley country” except they’re not in Jamaica( they’re in Aruba, Bahamas, Grand Turk, St. Thomas, St. Maarten, and Curacao)  and before they left and I grumbled at having to do all the work myself ( normally we divide it between the 2 of us)with my mother gone she said, “You’re the mother; it’s YOUR job!” too but it’s NOT; it’s too much work all for one person and why should the mother have to do EVERYTHING(while everyone else does nothing) anyway? When you’re part of a family *everyone* should help out! and I certainly won’t miss her snide remarks for 2 weeks or the 15 YR old’s insults and mouthiness either, such as “Calm your vagina!” Even the 12 YR old’s getting bitchy and mouthy too and even sneered to me the other day,”Why do YOU have to be my mother?” and when I said someone was dumb the 14 YR old shot back to me,”How can YOU question ANYONE’S intelligence?” it really hurts the horrible way the kids treat me and then they wonder WHY I hate my life and wish I could just run away and never come back! I seriously wish I never had kids.If only I knew what it was like BEFORE.

My hubby also saw a photo of a Chihuahua I was putting on my Facebook profile and he agreed it was cute too and said it’s “in the eyes” and it gave me some hope that maybe he’s finally coming around(as usually he just insults it) that maybe now he finally sees how important my wanting to get one again really is, my only “link” to my happy past and how I want one again, my only way to “relive” and “recreate” a happy time in my life, so hopefully he’ll change his mind and let me get one,afterall,(I keep hoping and praying…maybe for Christmas?) and the 17 YR old went to an overnight Cadets thing and no one told me until the last minute and I was the last to know as always even though I’m the mother and should be the first to know and( before she left on the trip) my mother snarked,”You don’t care anyway!” and it’s EXACTLY comments like THAT why I’m *glad” she’s gone for  2 weeks and I don’t have to listen to for awhile!

Toronto Mayor Ford also made a crude comment the other day about “eating pussy” on live media and that was too vulgar and tactless even for him and shocked everyone and seems to be the last straw and likely the end of his political career now on top of the crack scandal, the police investigation, the drugs, the alcoholism, the drunk driving, the prostitutes, the abusing his staff, the affair, etc. it goes on and on and every day just keeps getting worse and worse than the last! His life has become like a reality show and every day I wonder what he’ll do or say next! He’s turned the city into a laughingstock in front of the entire world and since he refuses to resign City Council voted (everyone except for 2) to strip him of his executive powers in City Hall, making him Mayor in title only. He needs to take leave and go to rehab. He seriously needs help. He’s spiraling out of control and has become a public spectacle , disgrace, and a train wreck. It’s so sad to watch because I supported him once as he IS a good mayor but his personal demons are destroying him and now it’s affecting his job.