My Family Hates Me.

KnifeInHeart(new) My 19 YR old told me to go kill myself. This is one of the worst things( as well as when my mother told me before that she never loved me) that anyone has ever said to me. Those are hateful and powerful words that should never be said to anyone, but esp. not to someone fragile like me who’s almost always on the edge of being suicidal and wants to die anyway. What happened was he threw out one of the girls’ necklaces and I told him off and then he rips into me, being disrespectful as always, and said,”Stop WHINING!” and told me “Act your AGE!” and said I should “Leave the family!” and “Put yourself out with the garbage pick up!” and then sneered,”Go KILL yourself!” and when I said one day I finally will and it’s people like HIM that will finally push me too far he snickered, “Good! I support you!” and  my hubby heard the entire thing and when I told him,”See how he talks to me?” he said  (when I got upset) that *I* was “over-reacting” and “blowing everything out of proportion like always”( because I’m fed up everyone always belittles and demeans me all the time) and when I said, “You NEVER support me ; you always take his side, and YOU hope I kill myself,TOO!” he never even denied it!

I went up to my bedroom and cried until my eyes were red and sore and I almost swallowed a bottle of pills,too, just wanting to end it, except I didn’t have the courage but I know one day I finally will because I just can’t go on like this. My family hates me and treats me like shit(except for the 10 YR old; she’s the only one that loves me and she’s my only ally in the family) and then they wonder WHY I hate my life, want out of this family, and wish I was dead. The 19 YR old resents and hates me for having Asperger’s and Social Phobia and for being so broken and damaged from a life of abuse, trauma, and victimization as well but I can’t help it, and it hurts even more because he used to love me once and we used to be really close when he was younger and it’s like a knife in my heart the way he treats me now. They all want me gone and would be glad if I died(except for the 10 YR old) and one day they’ll finally get their wish. I pray every night God takes me in my sleep and that I don’t wake up but He never does and I wonder why I was even born; just to suffer? Just to be a punching bag in life?

After church I sat in the van in the empty parking lot waiting for my hubby and the kids to finish watching the Santa Claus parade( standing 90 min. out in the cold freezing my ass off is NOT my idea of “fun”) and  I started sobbing and crying again(but it was dark so no one saw me) and I had the urge to start the van and just drive it into the wall, or perhaps even find a way to carbon monoxide myself later(it would be so easy, just drift peacefully off to sleep, and then into a deeper sleep,and never wake up….), there must be some way; I’m just so miserable and I hate my life and the pain is indescribable. I’m really hurting and I  feel so alone. I wanted to reach out and talk to the priest after Mass and unburden myself but I was afraid he might intervene  and I’d end up at the hospital or something and I don’t WANT to be saved. Things will never change. My family will never  stop treating me like shit. My life will never get better. The situation will never improve. I will never be loved or be happy. I just want OUT.

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As well, I heard on the news the gov’t charges banks a 32% tax rate and then complains they have tax loopholes but I don’t blame them; this country screws over EVERYONE and no wonder companies and businesses are leaving this country in record numbers and taking their business elsewhere, and our sinks don’t drain, toilets don’t flush, peeling paint,bulging walls, we have water stains on the ceilings, the furnace doesn’t adequately heat the house and it’s freezing in the winter, we have ants in the house in the summer and mice in the winter, etc. and it’s just something we’re used to but no one will want to buy this shit-hole house, but I’ve learned to keep secrets, to hide,and to to cover up my entire life and I’m good at it, so maybe there’s some way we can just “hide” it somehow?

I have to get out of this place. This family. This house. This town. This country. This life.

I’m dying, but not fast enough.Maybe tomorrow?