The Red Flag.

RedFlag The 19 YR old threw the big exercise ball at the 15 YR old but missed but it DID hit the Christmas tree and almost knocked it over but luckily I caught it but it did still shake, knocking ornaments off and I said if I ever see it in the livingroom again I’ll pop it so my hubby said if I DO then he’ll cut off my Internet(and being isolated and a virtual recluse it’s my only link to the outside world and my online friends are my only support),and he always does that; holding threats over me( treating me like I’m one of the kids) whenever I do( or don’t do) things and threatens to cut off my Internet, to not drive me places, etc. treating me like a child, punishing me to keep me in line and I feel so trapped, oppressed, and stifled and I feel like a prisoner , and of course with MY typical bad luck the guy came to replace the water meter right early as soon as I was having my bath as well so I never had any water and when I got mad( because these things ALWAYS happen to me) my hubby snarled, “Oh, grow UP!”( because I don’t ever have the “right” to get mad, even though nothing ever goes right for me) and said I should just “adapt” even though HE’S the LEAST adaptable and the most rigid person I KNOW, so what can HE say( what a hypocrite!) I’m just soooo miserable with him, and the last time I was happy was early June 1988, just before I met him; he’s ruined my life! If only I knew then what I know now I would have quickly ran in the other direction!

The first “Red Flag” warning I got,however, wasn’t until I was already prego with my first child,so it was already too late and I’d already “invested” too much( I guess he was good at hiding it before) when we were visiting his uncle’s house with his parents and his uncle and his mother got into some little argument over some silly little thing( I don’t even remember what it was) but just a disagreement and he completely over-reacted and lunged across the table and physically attacked his elderly uncle( he must have been in his 60’s or 70’s and my hubby was 25 at the time) jumping on him, knocking him to the ground, claiming he’d “disrespected” his mother( he didn’t; they’d just disagreed) and I was shocked, stunned, and horrified, I was crying and apologized on his behalf and we left, and it really shook me up; I had never seen that side of him before (and never wanted to ever again)and a Red Flag was raised; what if he got violent like that with me or our baby later at some point,too? It was a side of him that scared me and that I didn’t like, and was it an indication of what was yet to come?

Later on after our first child was born another Red Flag was raised once again once he came from work he would snatch him from my arms and not let me near him, claiming I had him all day and now it was his turn; I was completely pushed out of the way and banished and I wasn’t  even able to be near my own baby until he left for work the next morning; he refused to share or take “turns” with him and when he was around I wasn’t even allowed to hold him! This distressed me greatly and I felt like I was only “allowed” to be his mother when he wasn’t around, and during the evenings and weekends I was exiled. It made me feel like hired help with my own child. Instances like these were forebodings of what would turn out to be many unhappy miserable YRS ahead of  suppression,emotional abuse, belittling, of my opinions and thoughts not mattering, of me being put down, demeaned, vetoed, of not having any “say” or authority in my own home, of being devalued, mocked, of every time I speak being told to “Stop yakking!” and “Stop nagging!” and of just being treated like shit overall.25 YRS of hell.My friends say it’s abuse and I should divorce him.

If only there were Red Flags sooner. The entire outcome would have been different. My entire LIFE would have been different.If only I could go back. I’d change so much. I want my old life back, before I met him, when I used to be happy. I should have stayed single.

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As well, a Facebook friend called Nelson Mandela a “terrorist”, “murderer”, “thug” and “Communist” and I told him he was an idiot, and besides, one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. Who would even think such a thing,anyway? He was a HERO. I really just don’t “get” some people…..

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