Gutted.

GuttedFish After the 19 YR old beat me up on Christmas I’m gutted. I feel like a fish that’s been gutted; just empty and hollow inside. I’m shattered, broken, and destroyed. I also hurt all over( physically and emotionally) esp. my back from where he slammed me on the floor and I worry what might be next; will he break my arm next? He’s been verbally abusive( like my mother and hubby are to me) for YRS but now it’s escalated to physical violence as well and I shouldn’t be scared of my own son( he’s stronger than me and I don’t have a chance) or have to live in fear in my own home. It’s bad enough that he assaulted me but it’s even worse that no one(other than the 10 YR old) even cared and that I have no support and feel all alone. When I told some of my Facebook friends they are all aghast, horrified and heartbroken for me and said I should call the police and press charges and that I have to get out of here away from them. They care about me even more than my own family does! I wish I COULD call the police on him but (like the 12 YR old snickered to me) if I do they’d arrest ME for hitting him,TOO(I hit him back trying to get him off me, trying to escape) and I’d go to jail as well, and besides, in this country when the police come if there’s children in the home they automatically call  Child Welfare(because it’s a fascist Nanny State like that) and they’d come in and seize all the kids and I can’t risk that; we’d lose *everyone* so basically I’m trapped and can’t  even get help and I can’t leave,either, as I have no $$$ and nowhere to go and with my limits I have no life,social, or job skills and can’t survive on my own.

I wish I never met my hubby or had kids. It’s my biggest regret in life and it just ruined my life even though it WAS my dream(to have kids) it just ended up to be a nightmare and something else that I failed at. I’m just ill-equipped for parenting and for life.  I just don’t do things well, I don’t do anything right, and I fail at everything( I’m just a failure and I fail at life) even though I had good intentions and tried my best but it’s a real struggle for me and it’s so messed up. I don’t want to do this anymore, they want me gone,and would glad if I died, I just wish I knew WHY they hate me much: I breastfed, I don’t beat my kids, I try my best, I discipline the kids(although my mother and hubby do sabotage it and undermine me) I give them chores and responsibilities, they earn allowance,their needs are provided, they have lessons and activities, I homeschool them,I’m a stay at home mom, I dedicate my life to my kids, I raise them with Godly values, etc. where did I go wrong? What did I ever do to deserve being treated and abused the way I am by them? My mother and I also both decided no more big family holiday dinners anymore so those ill-mannered rednecks can’t ruin any more holidays acting like uncivilized barn animals; we’ll no longer give them the satisfaction!

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As well, yesterday my hubby went to his loser family for their late dinner for a redneck family Christmas, and tomorrow it’ll be a week since the ice storm and STILL tens of thousands of people are without electricity, heat,and water, and this is totally unacceptable in a so-called developed country; it’s not like we live in Haiti, El Salvador, or Sierra Leone or some other Third World country!  It should have been restored within 24 HRS! How do they expect people to LIVE like that, esp. in the freezing cold of winter? Canada really SUCKS!  My hubby also said he got my Christmas gift( the hippo sculpture) from USA and scoffed, “You can’t get anything good in Canada!” and I said,”Obviously!”(at least now he finally agrees!!), in church they have Christmas decor like we had when I was a kid in the 1970’s, reminding me of my happy childhood and bringing back nostalgic happy memories,and the bath tub is leaking thru down to the livingroom below and the ceiling has water stains, mold,and peeling paint; we need to call a plumber and they’ll have to tear apart the CEILING to fix; even more expense we can’t afford! I HATE this house; it’s a slum with everything all falling apart! It’s like living in the ghetto! I hate this house, this town, this country, my family, AND my life! There’s NOTHING in or about my life that I like or that I’m happy with.I’m utterly and completely miserable. Why can’t I just be someone else and live somewhere else?

I hate my life.