20 Years.

Computer It’s been 20 YRS now since I started using the computer, the Internet, e-mail, visiting websites, etc. It was 1994, I was 27 and had my 5th child. I can’t believe it’s been that long! I’ve come a long way since then and have learned alot compared to what I knew then. I still remember that annoying phone dial up to connect to the Internet(ugh!) that I had started with a  freenet account and how a gov’t agency had monitored it and all my postings on message boards, chat rooms, support groups,discussion groups, my e-mail and even everything I had published in the newspaper( I’m a subversive, ha,ha) which I found out thru file disclosure that my lawyer got on my behalf, and how shocked I was reading thru all the files to see all the “goods” they had on me,making a profile on me,; that they had been keeping “tabs” on me for so long without me even knowing it,and now my own kids have been brought up using the computer right from birth and even do part of their homeschool curriculum on CD ROM. I remember when I was in highschool that computers had just come out and now they’ve come such a long way and such an integral part of life!

As well, with “Aunt Flow” I’m bleeding like a stuck pig and soak thru even the highest absorbency tampons and the cramps today are even worse than yesterday and I pray for menopause, and flights at the Toronto airport are STILL cancelled( the airport had even been shut down earlier) with the excuse it was the “cold weather” even though we’re USED to cold weather here, have the snow and ice removal equipment,and planes are equipped to fly in it(I remember being on a flight  and looking at the outdoor temp on the in-flight map and it said it was – 50 C at 38 000 feet); they said on the news it was basically just mismanagement and incompetency that was to blame; the same half-assed ineptness as ALWAYS  this country is well known for and that I hate and am so desperate to leave, and whenever my mother doesn’t do her share of work around the house(and I have to pick up the slack) and I mention it she snarls, “I’m NOT one of your kids! You can’t tell ME what to do!” trying to deflect the blame on to me, never taking any responsibility as always!

The 17 YR old always dressing only in all black like a punk and Goth disturbs me too but my hubby calls “Victorian” style(HA!) and I told him,”Victorian-era people didn’t dress like punks and Goths! She looks like a vampire!” and I think indicates deep underlying psychological issues but he just brushes off, and I worry the 6 YR old(soon-to-be-7 in 2 months) might get leukemia like the 15 YR old did when he was 7 as well, esp. as now he’s nearing his 7th birthday and he didn’t eat anything yesterday(and he normally eats everything and is a pig) and one of the first signs( looking back, although we didn’t know it at the time) was loss of appetite about 2 months before diagnosis,and a friend of mine told me(when I said I worry I might have stomach cancer) why do I always have to think  the worst all the time and I told her I always expect the worst because that’s what I always GET (“Hope for the best but expect the worst”) so my life has taught me to always expect it, and with all that pain(and other symptoms) and worsening cancer is always a possibility that has to be considered….

The 15 YR old turns 16 next month as well and will be taking driving lessons and the 19 YR old took the piece of chicken from her dinner( she was saving to eat later) off the 12 YR old’s plate at the table and ate it(without even asking) and then had the nerve to sneer at me that I’M “bitching” and “obnoxious” when *I* told him off! Just like with my mother, somehow everything’s always MY fault! He’s clueless and just doesn’t get it!