Old.

OldLady(new) I feel so OLD lately. Now I’m 47 I feel decrepit, like an old fart. I notice I really started to feel it( and look it) ever since I reached my 40’s. I guess my face is pretty good as far as my skin goes( but not as far as looks; I’ve always been ugly); hardly any wrinkles(esp. considering I spend so much time out in the sun when it’s warm), and I suppose I owe that pretty much to genetics as everyone in my family has good skin, not many wrinkles,and look younger than their age, but I feel old, broken down and falling apart otherwise. I feel like an old jalopy. My sight isn’t that good; I don’t see too well, my hearing is bad( yet I can’t afford a hearing aid which cost hundreds of dollars) I have arthritis in my knees and neck, I have lots of grey hair(probably close to 50% now if I let it grow in but you can’t notice so much since I shave it bald) I have “crow’s feet” around my eyes, “puppet lines” around my mouth, “Bingo wings”, “turkey neck”, my hands have age spots and are sagging and wrinkling( you can really tell someone’s age by looking at their hands and there’s no way to fix that; no creams or surgery to tighten it) I’ve gained over 60 pounds since I was in my 20’s, I have permanent  “bags” under my eyes, my eyes are puffy underneath, I have high BP, a sore back, aches and pains, etc.

As well, I miss who I once was: I miss being thin, and I miss being young. I miss my body and I miss my youth.I also miss having $$$ and living in the city.I miss being happy. Everything I once had is gone now; it’s been taken from me, lost, and in the past, now long gone, never to be returned. I’m no longer who I used to be. Now I’ve been “replaced” by a fatter, older, poorer, bitter, resentful, broken, miserable, unhappy version. Emotionally I stayed at about a 15 YR old level, however; I’m like a perpetual teen as I never progressed emotionally between my Asperger’s and other limits, all the traumas in my life, emotional damage, being left emotionally stunted, not being able to function as an independent adult or live on my own,and I still have had “crushes” as an adult(even though I know that George Clooney isn’t going to happen),and even my bedroom(with it’s decor,posters, dolls, stuffed toys, figurines, cute things, etc.) looks more like a teen girls’ than a grown woman’s; I never really grew up emotionally so I’m like a teen stuck in an broken aging adult body.I long for the person I used to be and for the happy past I once had.

It’s also hard that no one understands WHY I’m always so negative and pessimistic even though my life has made me that way; with constant bad luck and misfortune following me my entire life and having more than my fair share of it; I’m always that rare reaction, unlikely statistic, exception, unlucky  1 out of a 1000 etc. yet people don’t “get” why I only see the negative side of things when it’s what I’m used to, conditioned to and expect since it’s what I usually get. 9 out of 10 things don’t work out for me so it’s hard to have a positive outlook and it just wears me down. I’m so tired of BEING unlucky and I’m so weary. I just need things to start looking up. I need things to work out and to get better. I want to have hope, to have faith, to be optimistic, to be thankful for what I DO have, to see the “bright” side of things, to be grateful for when things do work out, but it’s just so seldom that it’s hard NOT to “dwell” on the negative when it’s the majority and no one understands it because they haven’t walked in my shoes.(I just wish I knew what’s causing my non-stop bad luck so I could stop it but HOW do I stop bad things from always happening to me?) They just don’t know what it’s LIKE to always have everything go wrong.It’s so defeating.

As well, my hubby and I *finally* went to the Indian restaurant and I had Mulligatawny soup, curried chicken, Basmati rice, and a mango lassi,and my my hubby had samosa and Tandoori chicken. He thought it was so spicy that his eyes were watering and it was so hilarious I asked him if he “needed a water trough”  and they had the stupid Olympics on the flat-screen TV mounted up on the wall but I just ignored it,  and they said they might even open up an Indian buffet in OUR town here,too, depending on how well the restaurant there does, and I hope so! On the way back there was a car ahead of us speeding turning off the highway into town and I cracked there’s no reason to be in a hurry going INTO town, believe me, there’s nothing there worth being in a hurry for; you’d want to speed on the way OUT, eager to leave, can’t wait to get OUT of there!!