Almost, again.

Stab I was almost driven to suicide.Again. I was in the kitchen making chicken salad for my lunch when my mother was taunting me(yet again) for repeating myself again(which I can’t help; part of my Asperger’s) and my hubby chimed in( they both delight in mocking me) when I took the knife I was cutting the chicken with and turned it onto my chest and abdomen shoving it in( although not all the way) telling them I should just do it now(shove it in all the way,and one day I think I finally will) and they’d be finally be rid of me( which they didn’t deny) and my hubby just snarled in disgust, “Grow up!” and walked away(I was crying and hysterical at this point). He thinks I’m just a drama queen or that I just want attention or that I’m trying to “manipulate” them to get my own way or whatever, when in actual fact I’m just really really broken and hurting, being pushed to the edge, barely holding on, and at a breaking point. I hate myself and my life and I hate being what I am and that everyone else hates me for being me and always being reminded of it and belittled and ridiculed and blamed for it doesn’t help.

They have NO IDEA what it’s LIKE to completely, totally and utterly hate yourself( I hate the way I look and the way I feel), to hate everything about yourself and your life, to hate where you live, to hate the way everyone always treats you(I’ve been bullied, abused, rejected,and victimized my entire life), and to never have any support. It’s just overwhelming and I have no escape, no way out, feel trapped,and with no hope anything will ever change or ever get any better. I’ll never look or feel any better, I’ll always be me, I’ll always have a chronically traumatic, stressful life and scars due to it(I had PTSD 3 times so far, each lasting 9-12 months) and my family will always taunt me and never understand or be supportive; they even blame me for it and I have nowhere to go. Then my mother demeans how I feel and all the shit and unhappiness in my life and sneered, “You WERE happy for the first 12 YRS of your life; some people don’t even have THAT so be grateful!” as if that’s good enough to somehow “make up” for the  last 35 YRS I’ve been miserable(and I don’t think life is supposed to be like this or that I should have to settle for a life like this or that it’s too “much” to ask to want to be happy, and asked if when I travelled if that didn’t make me happy and that it should be “enough”, and it did(I’ve had happy MOMENTS but it’s not the same thing as BEING happy), but it was only a temporary “escape” from my life and it wasn’t enough; it still didn’t solve anything and I’m still me,I still had to return to my same life, I still carry the mental and emotional scars of my life, I still live in a place I abhor and people still mistreat me, so what else IS there?There’s nothing left.

It’s just so hard being unwanted, unloved,and obsolete in my family.

I’m already dead.

*******************************

As well, we haven’t had a hydro bill since December so we called them and they said our bill for January’s 800$. Shit.

4 thoughts on “Almost, again.

  1. I know I need help but it’s not as easy here as it might sound: the mental health care in this country is sorely lacking( probably why Canada has the second-highest suicide rate in the world!) and I don’t have a family doctor who can prescribe me anything or refer me to anyone,and I can’t just walk into the hospital for help ;they don’t even HAVE a psych ward here anyway(I doubt they even * have* a psychiatrist IN this town,anyway) and the best they could do is refer me elsewhere(another city) and that would take at least 6 months which doesn’t help in an immediate crisis situation,anyway,(and residential places have waiting lists YRS long) so people here either have to just suffer in silence until the crisis passes or end up committing suicide. There really isn’t much help in the ways of mental health in this country.

  2. Those sites and numbers are designed for immediate crisis situations. I know you have bad phone anxiety, but you’ve been suicidal a few times in the past few months. While the health care in Canada has it’s issues, I really think that you really still need to reach out now.

    What would your death do to your kids?

  3. I checked out the link you provided( and thank you for your concern; it was very kind) but my location wasn’t listed.( I Iive out in “Bumble-F*ck” remember, there just aren’t any resources here) Actually my kids would be glad if I was dead( except for the 10 YR old) and they’d be better off without me(they think I’m worthless, useless and stupid anyway and my 19 YR old even told me to go kill myself) so I’d be doing them a favour. No one wants me around and I’m just a burden that must be tolerated. I don’t really know how talking about my problems would help,anyway; it still doesn’t solve anything; they’re still there.

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