Inside A Suicidal Mind.

BrainOnFire People wonder why people commit suicide or attempt suicide and while I can’t speak for others( as I don’t know what goes thru their mind) and can only speak from personal experience( 3 attempts in the past and coming close a few times recently) I’m pretty sure that we all go thru similar feelings and have pretty much the same reasons. Some say it’s “selfish” and although in some rare cases it may be( eg. as revenge to get back at someone for breaking up with you) for the most part it’s simply out of despair, desperation,and hopelessness. You simply want the pain to stop and emotional/mental pain is far worse than physical pain and you see no way out; things look so hopeless, you’re so desperate,so miserably unhappy,depression, mental illness, grieving,etc. and there’s no other escape, and you just want the pain to end. That’s pretty much the reason why people kill themselves. You can only put up with things for so long until you reach a breaking point and something has to give and when it seems like things will never change, with no hope for improvement, no way out, esp. when you have no support, suicide is a blessed release.

In many cases people think that they’ll be doing people a favour by removing themselves from the equation(once they’re dead and gone); I know I do. My family hates me, belittles me, blames me for being what I am( Asperger’s, being broken from a life of traumas and chronic stress and bad luck) always reminding me how stupid, useless, and worthless I am, making me feel like an unwanted house guest in my own home, merely to be tolerated, unloved and rejected, and my 19 Y old even TOLD me to go kill myself! They’d actually be glad if I died and would be better off without me! I wonder though why others can survive traumas and come thru relatively unscathed but I ended up so broken; is it because I’m less resilient? More sensitive? Less equipped to handle the stresses of life? Is it due to my Asperger’s? or due to the fact that most people might have ONE trauma but I’ve had several, one on top of another and never get a break? or that I haven’t even had time to recover from one trauma and I’m hit with another? Because I don’t have any support? or all of the above? I think I might have “inherited” a “suicide gene” as well: my grandfather(mother’s side) overdosed on pills and died by choking on his own vomit( even though they just tell everyone he died of a heart attack because they’re too embarrassed) and my own father tried to kill himself by taking pills but they got to him in time and pumped out his stomach. Maybe I never really had a chance?

I know I need help but the mental health care in this country is sorely lacking; there just isn’t the resources here ,esp. not here in “Bumble-F*ck”; I don’t have a family doctor to prescribe me pills or to refer me to anyone and there aren’t any psychiatrists here,anyway(I’d have to go to the nearest city an HR away which isn’t practical for an app’t 1-2 times a week) and even if I did walk into the hospital and ask for help there isn’t a psych ward here and the best they’d do is refer me to the city and that would take at least 6 months which isn’t helpful in a crisis situation,and the waiting list for residential treatment takes YRS! Therapy doesn’t really help,anyway; what good would talking about my problems do; it won’t solve anything or make them go away; I hate everything about myself; I hate the way I look and the way I feel and talking  about it won’t make me no longer ugly , take away my Asperger’s and other issues or erase my psychological scars, I hate where I live but talking about it won’t give me $$$$ to be able to afford to move, I hate the way my family mistreats me but talking about it won’t make them treat me any better or make them support me,etc. Nothing will change. I need the circumstances to change. I need my LIFE to change.

Going to the hospital will only save you after a suicide attempt( if they’re lucky) they can sew up slashed wrists or pump out your stomach but they can’t change(neither can therapy) your circumstances that MAKE your life shit and that MAKE you so miserable that you’d rather be dead and want to kill yourself to escape it; that being dead is the only way out. As for me, I’m ok at the moment; the crisis has passed….for now….until the next time,and there will be a next time, there always is, and the best way I can describe the urge to commit suicide and not giving in to it, the “draw” to it, the “pull” is sort of like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff by the tips of your fingers desperately holding on and then climbing back up….but eventually at some point later on it will return again and  you won’t be able to hold on any longer and you WILL let go.You can only hold on for so long until you can’t any longer……

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As well, I heard on the news over 4000 people didn’t get their hydro bills in the province( typical half-assed incompetence in this country) and being charged thousands of $$$ no one can afford to pay,we got 35 mm of rain and now our basement’s flooded again and the school buses were cancelled twice this week so with the holiday they only had 2 days of school(but they don’t learn much in public school anyway so they weren’t missing much) and I’m mad on the news the first headlining news story for 10 minutes wasn’t the unrest in Kiev(like it should have been) but the dumb Olympics instead, even though people are being killed which is a  more important and  a priority and this is so disrespectful to those that died! The city is burning, on the brink of a revolution,and people are dying; this means more than who wins a medal in some stupid sport! Society has it’s priorities all wrong and they care too much about things they shouldn’t and don’t care enough about things that they should! I think just a week or so left until the stupid thing is FINALLY over,too, not too long to go! I’m soooo tired of always hearing about it all the time and having it taking over news stories that actually matter!