What do I wish for my kids? What do I want for them? What do I want them to know? What I really wish for them most importantly and want for them is to be happy, to be good people,and to not ever lose their faith in God and to be right with God, that’s the most important thing. They don’t have to be successful or rich; I don’t measure success as the world does and I think there are more important things in life,anyway. I care mostly about their eternal souls and doing what’s right. I want them to have good marriages(if they get married) and happy families. I want them to marry for love and not settle like I did and I want them to have happier marriages and happier families than I do. Whatever careers they choose I want them to love what they do. I don’t want them to have regrets or to get in with the wrong people that are bad influences. I don’t want them to follow the world and jeopardize their souls. I want them to follow their consciences, their moral compass and to always do the right thing even if no one else is doing it.
I also want them to know that even though they think I’m a failure and a bad mother that it wasn’t my intention. Due to my Asperger’s and other limits, and being chronically traumatized and other factors in my life( eg. abuse, rejection, bullying,etc.) I ended up broken, ill-equipped for parenting and for life, lacking coping skills,unable to function, fragile, psychologically damaged, etc. but that I did the best I could, given what I had to work with. I DO care about them and I would do whatever it takes to protect them (in fact we did; we left our home, our friends, our lives, everything 11 YRS ago, to flee when our family was under siege and being threatened)and would die for them. It’s true I’m not “outwardly” an “affectionate” person; I don’t show affection(I’m not a huggy, kissy, cuddly person) and I am mistaken as “cold”, “icy”, “aloof”, “stand-off-ish”, “stuck-up”, etc. but I’m not; it’s just part of my Asperger’s, and I’m “guarded” due to my life experiences of being betrayed and hurt extensively and don’t let people get too close, plus I was brought up without love or affection so I never saw love, was never shown love, and never learned how to love, but I do FEEL it, I just can’t EXPRESS it very well but I wish they knew how I really feel for them.
It had always been my greatest dream to have kids. I regret it because it wasn’t what I thought it would be like and if I had known then what I do now I would have changed my mind, because I struggle so much with it, because I’m not cut out for it, because I failed at it, because my kids treat me like crap( copying how my mother and hubby mistreat me) and because it brought so much fear, stress, worry,and trauma into my life that I didn’t have before and that I didn’t think was even possible( so much so that *nothing* is worth all of that) but my regrets have NOTHING TO DO with them PERSONALLY but rather *MY* experience of parenthood(and of only having all of the hassle and none of the joys) and I want them to know that it’s not them; it’s me.It’s the experience of parenthood I regret and if I had it to do all over again I would pass. I wish they knew that it hurts me more than words can express the way they treat me, the way they mock me, make me the butt of their jokes, call me names, demean and demoralize me; it brings me back to my school days when the bullies would torment me; it’s like re-living it all over again, reminders of how worthless I am, only now by my own family,too.
When I’m dead and gone I wish my kids remember that despite my short comings and failures that I did have good intentions; I thought I would be the best mother ever. I did try my best and despite it all I still did dedicate my entire life to staying home with my kids, raising them, homeschooling them,and raising them to be righteous; teaching them God’s ways , shielding them from bad influences and protecting them from harm.That has to count for something. I wish for them to be happy and to forgive me for being me and to know I still love them even though they hate me.
As well, my hubby went with the kids to yoga(as it was a free day) and when he laid on his back on the mat he fell asleep and was snoring, so they just left him there for about 10 minutes( laughing at him) and then woke him up, and I’m so disgusted to hear that they changed the laws to allow bars to either stay open later or open earlier(I’m not sure which; I don’t know the HRS as I avoid those occasions of sin like the plague) to accommodate the rednecks watching a stupid hockey game early this morning so now there will be drunk drivers all over the road this morning,too(and this country already has one of the highest drunk driving rates in the world-yet treats it like a joke) Canada is a disgrace,and nothing but a nation of loser boozers! I’m so ashamed and I hate this place so MUCH! I feel like Lot living in Sodom and Gemorrah and am so desperate to escape! Just when I think it can’t POSSIBLY get any worse(and I can’t possibly hate it any more) it always finds a way to manage! Speaking of the stupid Olympics I found out it actually ends TODAY(yay!) finally, so I won’t have to keep always hearing about it ad nauseam anymore and my hubby gloats(just to rub me the wrong way) that Canada’s winning lots of medals( they suck and don’t deserve to win anything) and I told him I’m not surprised though since it’s a country of rednecks and rednecks are the ones who like and do sports so of course they’d do well at it!