Unbroken.

Unbreak My mother thinks that it’s so easy to just “erase” trauma, emotional damage, psychological hurt and brokenness and that depression can just be shut off(“Get OVER it!” she says). She has absolutely no idea what it’s like; no idea what it’s like to live with it, what it feels like,and that it  isn’t that easy. You can’t just “get over” it, shut it off, move past it, flip a magic switch and it’s gone, forget, move on, undo what’s been done, erase the damage, heal the scars, “unsee”, no longer remember, pretend like it never happened, etc. certain things are so bad, change your life,imprinted into your memory, ingrained upon your heart, change who you are, prevent you from ever being the same again, cut so deep, are so destructive,put you into survival mode for the rest of your life,shatter your sense of security, tear apart your family,alter your perception, break your heart, crush your spirit, destroy your soul, crush your dreams,break your trust, erode your confidence, crush your self-esteem, and take away your joy that there is no going back, no healing, no cure, no remedy. You can forgive, time can lessen the pain, the nightmares, the flashbacks,the panic attacks, and the PTSD, but the memories, the scarring, and the hurt will always be there. Some things are so destructive you can never come “back” from them and the wounds are so deep they can never heal. Sometimes “sorry” just isn’t enough.(How can apologizing to a child who’s been molested ever make up for it, for example?) There are just some things too painful to ever be “undone” or unbroken. It can take more than you have to offer to mend what’s been broken. When some things are broken they’ve been shattered into too many pieces they can never be fixed.Like me, I am a broken vessel shattered into a million tiny little pieces that can never be put back together again, just like Humpty Dumpty.

As well, I heard on the news a McDonald’s was CLOSED for a few HRS Sunday morning just so the employees could watch the Olympic HOCKEY game! What the f*ck? Are they serious? How ridiculous! Serving customers their meals is more important than a bunch of rednecks watching some stupid sporting event! I seriously don’t GET why this loser country is SO obsessed with hockey! Get  a LIFE, people!! I also realized of all the kids the 12 YR old has the most activities(who SAYS homeschoolers don’t get socialization?); all the kids have anywhere from 2-4 activities on average each but she has 5: church youth group, gymnastics, Air Cadets, the homeschooling group( where the kids meet up weekly and do crafts and work on “lapbook” projects) and jiu-jitsu!(the only one we have to pay for is gymnastic,though; with jiu-jitsu because 2 of her older brothers take it the 3rd sibling’s free, and all the other activities are free!) The 14 YR old’s friend also hasn’t been over in 2 weekends or the 4 snowdays they’ve had during that time,either; the longest it’s been without her coming over so *I* think she’s maybe NOT coming back;  too ashamed to show her face again ever since I confronted her for stealing from us but I have to say if so I’m relieved because then she won’t be able to steal from us AGAIN!

The 15 and 19 YR old’s have a jiu-jitsu tournament  this weekend in a city early in the morning as well(starts at 8 am) but it’s a long drive so they should go up the night before and stay overnight except we can’t AFFORD 100$ or more for a hotel so what they might do instead is stay at a motel in a town in-between here and there where it’s cheaper and then just leave from there(so it’s still a shorter drive and they wouldn’t have to leave as early Saturday morning; if they left from here Saturday they’d have to leave like at 4 am, maybe even earlier!) and the doc’s office called; I have my repeat gastroscopy 17 April which means I end up fasting for 2 days in a row; then( actually from Midnight the night before) AND the next day,TOO, for Good Friday! Shit! I always have the worst timing for everything! My biopsy isn’t ready yet,either; they said it takes 2 MONTHS!