This has been such a shitty week! We didn’t have any Internet for a few days and then my weekly magazines( my only pleasure in life and I look forward to every week) didn’t come,either; none of the stores here got their delivery, so I didn’t even have that! What’s going to go wrong next, I wonder, will the satellite go off,too,and I’ll miss a TV show, or the electricity will go off, or something? I have the worst luck. Nothing ever goes right. We also got a blizzard( 15 cm) the day after it was mild( 7 C) and I’m so sick of snow, sick of winter, sick of this country! and we ran out of bread, buns, meat, milk, and cheese again(I hate being poor) and my mother’s so lazy she hasn’t been doing any of her work this week,either, so I’ve had to pick up the slack and do her work FOR her(and she also naps during the day as well and then wonders WHY she can’t sleep at night…..duh) AND the 5 YR old with the brain tumour I’ve been praying for for the past 4 YRS died yesterday ,too. What a shitty week! The only good is I’ve really enjoyed the peace and quiet with 4 of the kids gone( on a Cadets trip to USA) and look forward to the day when they’ve all moved out of the house!
The 10 YR old was also asking about cremation and I made the mistake of telling her about it( and that I’m going to be cremated) and she was distraught and sobbed that she doesn’t want me to burn up in a fire and I explained that once you’re dead you don’t feel anything and that your body’s just an empty shell; you’ve already gone and what really matters is where your SOUL goes, not what happens to your body, and that I’d prefer to be cremated(which is fast) than to be buried and be eaten by worms and maggots….and then she cried even more saying she didn’t want me to be eaten,either, so I couldn’t “win” either way. FAIL. In church on Sunday the 19 YR old also flicked the 16 YR old on the head as he walked by on the way up for Communion and the oldest, the 19 YR old,and the 10 YR old were playing with Nerf guns in the livingroom and refused to leave and go in the Rec-room even when I kept telling them( not wanting them to hit things that can be damaged such as the TV or my wall plaques) and the oldest suggested as well we dip the Nerf “bullets” in lighter fluid and then set them on fire and when I freaked out my hubby agreed with HIM and I told him that he’s NOT helping. I *NEVER* have any support.
The oldest also has these Armani jeans he paid 130$ for which he says is half-price and I honestly couldn’t tell the difference; they just looked like any other jeans to me and I can’t see the sense in spending so much $$$, and gave me fancy chocolates he got from his first class flight, but I fear he’s turning into a redneck,too, as he said he was at the Calgary Stampede(a rodeo) and sat in the front row at a hockey game….turning into a redneck just like my hubby wants the kids to be, and tries to get them to be, his bad influence rubbing off on them,turning them into rednecks like he is, even though I try so hard to get them NOT to be rednecks and want and expect much more from them(and it’s not too much to ask) wanting them to be cultured, and for the past few days I haven’t had ulcer pain,either, so either my pills are finally starting to work( after a month…finally) or I’m just having a few good days, and the price of natural gas( our furnace runs on) is going up 40% which we can’t afford…..we can hardly even afford it NOW as it is! I hate this place so much!
My friend P from grade 6 is also engaged!He proposed on Valentine’s Day! She’s been dating the guy for a few months now and they went on vacation together over Christmas and every week he sends her red roses( because he’s sweet like that) and even though I AM genuinely happy for her I’d be lying if I said I didn’t also feel sad and envious as well; I wish *I* had a love and romance like that, but no one will EVER love me like that; she’s a pretty woman and guys have always fallen all over her, and it hurts to see others find love and be happy while I’m always left behind. I wish I knew what it was like to have love and romance, instead of having to settle. I wish I wasn’t so ugly.Guys never like me. I’m always so limited in life and missed out on so much that others take for granted and that comes so easily for other people and it makes me feel left out. I don’t hate them for it(and I am happy for them) but it does hurt to watch the world go by and see others have what I wish I had(and can only ever dream of) but know I never will.