Not Qualified.

BoobyPrize I have lived my entire life being told I’m worthless, not good enough, I don’t measure up, I’m useless, worthless, not as good as everyone else, ugly, stupid, a loser,a failure,etc. you get the idea. What really worries me the most though is that I’m also not good enough for Heaven; that I won’t qualify, that I won’t get in, that despite my strong faith, righteous living, bringing my kids up godly, standing up for God and God’s Truth and against the sin of the world that it’ll just be like the rest of my life: that I’m still a failure, still don’t measure up, still don’t don’t qualify, still not good enough,that I still won’t make it. It scares me to death,actually, that it’ll be yet another disappointment and failure of mine, yet another hope,dream,and goal that will fail, that I won’t achieve, that I’m not good enough for,although I do hold out hope because I also know that God doesn’t see success the way the world does because He sees what’s in the heart and not on outward appearances and doesn’t judge by worldly standards of beauty, achievement, fame,intelligence, fortune, and success. What God values and the world values are completely opposite and different things so that gives me hope that maybe I still DO have a chance and that even though I get the Booby Prize of Life I will attain the Trophy of Everlasting Life…

As well, our oldest leaves today; he has a 3 HR flight and a 2 HR time difference behind us, and the 10 YR old saw a RAT run into the kitchen! She wasn’t sure at first what it was but when she described it to me I was sure it was a rat and when I showed her a picture on Google of one she said that’s what she saw and she described it as a “giant mutated mouse” with black fur, a smaller head than body, a big butt and a long thing bare tail and showed me the size of it using her hands. I’m surprised though(as well as creeped out) since mice are usually associated with cities( in the sewers and alleyways) and not out in the country(we have field mice out here) and I wonder where it came from and how it got into the house? Now we have to find it and trap it! She also was playing the “Sketch” game with the 6 YR old and drew 2 stick people having sex and when I asked her if it was what I thought it was she said it was and the word she had to draw was “screw” and I told her I think they meant the screw that the screwdriver screws into the wall! It was so funny!

The 19 YR old also always hassles me I “watch too ‘much’ TV” but what ELSE is there to DO here in “Bumble-F*ck” *except* watch TV(or a movie), read, or do the computer? There’s nothing here; nothing to do and nowhere to go and he says I’M a redneck too because I live here even though it’s NOT by choice and I wish I COULD get out of this shithole(except we can’t afford to move as we’re broke) and I’ve hated living here every single day for the past 11 YRS we’ve been here and I miss the city so much; this place sucks the life out of me,crushes my spirit, and destroys my soul, and he taunts with my ears plugged up with wax that I’m filthy and dirty and don’t clean out my ears even though I DO but due to my deformed narrow ear canals  it gets all impacted, and I’m honestly sick and tired of always BEING put down, belittled,and blamed all the time,and I saw the movie “12 YRS a Slave” as well and it was really good but it got me so mad to see how Black people were treated and slavery reminds me of abortion: that even though something is *legal* doesn’t necessarily make it MORALLY right.

The 4 teens had a great time on their Cadets trip to USA for March Break as well and they went to the White House, The Smithsonian,and swimming at a beach in Virginia and to an airforce museum,brought back a “ghost pepper” they bought off a Mexican and smuggled over the border, and they stayed at military bases there and said they were taken aback by all the American “Uncle Sam” and anti-terrorist propaganda at the bases,too, and it reminded me of back in the 1980’s when I lived there during the Cold War; how back then the Russians were the “bad guys” (now it’s the Arabs/ Muslims) and they were so paranoid they literally feared there were Communists hiding behind trees! I also heard on the news the persecuted Lev Tahor group seeking asylum in Guatemala has been detained by authorities there on behalf of Canadian Child Welfare officials pending a trial Monday(where they will seize the children) for extradition and this horrifies me; how far does the arm of this fascist country( and it’s Child Welfare) GO to persecute people? It even goes beyond the borders of this country and tracks them down abroad,and what gives them such authority that sovereign nations bow to their will instead of saying too bad; they’re safe in OUR country now,we don’t have to do what YOU say, you have no authority over us, so buzz off? Oh, God, that’s just so scary,and how they just don’t let people go once they have their hooks in them,and how reaching they are, all across the world?You’re not even safe when you leave the country? By God, I just f*cking HATE this country(and what it does to people and how it destroys them) so much!!!