The movie I had set to record during the night(and I was looking forward to watching the next day) stopped halfway because the PVR froze…just MY typical “luck!” These things ALWAYS happen to ME and it’s always MY shows that end up erased, deleted, or stop recording! Nothing ever works for me or ever goes right and I’m so sick of it. I’m tired of my bad luck,I’m tired of always falling on the bad percentage side of things, I’m tired of hating myself and my life, I’m tired of being fat,ugly,stupid,and deformed,I’m tired of how I look and feel,I’m tired of my limits, I’m tired of the way my family treats me, I’m tired of living in a place I hate but can’t afford to leave, I’m tired of being unhappy, I’m tired of being stuck in a life I’m unable to change. I hate my stupid life and then I got yelled at for *being* mad; I’m not even allowed to GET upset and am just supposed to roll over and expected to accept it. I’m not even allowed to get mad or complain and I never have any support, sympathy, or understanding,and am always just blamed and told all I ever do is over-react, complain, get mad, and yell, even though I have every right to. I just wish I knew WHY everything always goes wrong and how to stop it.I honestly think I must be cursed. I don’t know how else to explain it. I keep waiting for things to go right, the way they’re supposed to, the way they do for other people, for my “break” to come….but they never do. I just want to be happy.Is it really too much to ask? Why is it so hard? Why is everything in my life always such a struggle?Why can’t I just be happy?
As well, in church I saw The Rich Lady( a lady who looks so elegant, classy,and sophisticated and I admire) again, as were our old neighbours, and I noticed a lady sitting ahead of us had the same small offering in her tithing envelope as mine so I don’t feel quite as bad as ever since the gov’t cut off 95% of my $$$$ I can only give half what I used to and it makes me feel shitty,guilty, ashamed, and embarrassed for being so poor now and the 10 YR old chides me for being so “cheap” and I feel like shit, and when I said I hated having to go in the morning(as opposed to the evening when we usually do) the 16 YR old scoffed,”It’s not like you’re busy and have anything to do!” and it’s snide remarks like THAT that wound my soul; they always have hurtful comments like that to me, belittling,condescending, and insulting,and my cousin said to me,Have you EVER had a GOOD day?” and I told him,”Not since 1988, no, not really…” and a “Facebook” friend even de-friended me,too, because she said it was just too painful for her to keep hearing about how my family mistreats me and I’m powerless to do anything about it. My life sucks.
When our oldest’s flight landed he also sent me a message: “We disappeared. I think I’m in Malaysia.” I replied: “NOT FUNNY.”