Things That Scare Me.

ScaredFace When I was a kid I was scared of earthquakes( mostly of the earth cracking open underneath me and swallowing me up, caused mainly from watching that TV movie “Earthquake!”) although I’ve been in a few since then(mild ones) with no ill-effects and nowhere as scary as I had imagined; just shaking and rattling, and of rabid dogs under my bed( caused when I actually DID see 2 rabid dogs fighting in my schoolyard when I was in grade 2; foaming at the mouth, blood all over the snow, and they called all of the kids to get into the school quickly) but now as an adult my fears are more realistic. My biggest fear is losing my kids or having something bad happening to them: car accidents,terminal diseases, dying, having them snatched by some pedophile, having them seized by the State, etc.

The 4 things that frightened me the most, traumatized me the most and caused me to have PTSD are the following:

– The worst was when our enemy threatened our family and we had to flee. Even going to court wasn’t enough to guarantee our safety and one day we quickly just had to go, we left everything behind, our house( we later arranged for the house to be sold and movers to pack everything and ship it out, putting it in storage until we found a permanent place; we just had to get OUT) our friends, our lives, and never looked back, never telling anyone where we went.We had to just start over, never telling anyone in our “new” life why we left, I don’t use my real name,and even now we never give our real address( but rather use a friend’s or a postal box) even for doctor’s or at the hospital; nothing where we could possibly be traced, just in case they could find us again. This is a scar that runs so deep that it will never heal. We will be looking over our shoulders for the rest of our lives and will never feel safe ever again.

– When our now 16 YR old had leukemia when he was 7. This was so terrifying it defied description. One of the worst things I have ever gone thru.The stress, worry,and fear was immense. Everything was so uncertain and there were so many ups and downs and it went on for YRS. He came so close to dying so many times. I felt such cold, sick, nauseating fear it was unreal. I was a wreck.

– When we had the fire 18 YRS ago, caused by wiring. We lost half our house and narrowly escaped with our lives. This was also a scary experience and the flashbacks and nightmares persisted for a long time. Even sounds( such as firetruck sirens) and smells( smoke) would trigger panicked memories. My sense of security was just shattered and even after the house was rebuilt I still didn’t feel safe in it and was fearful it would happen again. I even refused to have anything plugged in my room( where the fire originated) for an entire YR. Even to this day we still don’t use candles,either.

– Being molested by a relative. This went on from when I was 4 until I was 12. I don’t know if I would say it was scary as such but it was certainly damaging and traumatizing and I don’t think anyone comes thru being sexually abused without somehow being affected by it.I was traumatized by being bullied for YRS too(which is also a form of abuse), so I incl. that in here as well.

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As well, the 19 YR old said I sound like my hubby’s dad( who’s 81) with my poor hearing,always going, “What? what?” and said he’d like to “smack me in the mouth”, and the 6 YR old was demanding my mother do something for him,too( as she’s his “slave” and when he says “jump!” she jumps) but she was napping and he was enraged,stomped, and screamed at her, “If you DON’T do it NOW you WON’T be ALIVE anymore!!” and when I punished him( even though she never said anything and lets him talk to her that way) because he can’t talk to people like that he yelled at me, “F*ck YOU!” and ran off. That kid really does have a problem but I’M the *only* one that sees it or disciplines him for it( and then they say I’M the “bad” guy and I’m “mean” to him and “hate” him because I DO punish him) and my hubby and mother are so lenient on him, coddle him and let him get away with everything they’ve turned him into a monster! The kids also like to make  fun of my food and always say “What’s that GROSS smell?” about my Indian, Thai, etc. food(as I like the spices and flavour of ethnic foods) and everything I like or do is always met with disdain and ridicule and when I say they should behave they sneer,”and WHOSE fault is THAT?”(and the 12 YR old said “When *I* have kids they’re going to behave and be good and I’M going to be a GOOD mother!” implying I’m not,and I told her, “I thought my kids were going to be good at one time,too…so good LUCK with that!”) always blaming me,even though I’M the only one that’s trying to STOP it!(my mother and hubby encourage them as they treat me the same way; that’s where they *got* it from; they copy seeing how THEY treat me!).

I seriously wish I never had kids. It’s not worth it. I don’t need this shit day in and day out…and for what?