Internalizing Pain.

Pain(new) I’ve been on the pills to heal up my ulcer for 6 weeks now and for 4 weeks I still  had the pain and then for about 2 weeks it was gone and I thought the pills had finally started to work…but now it’s back again for the past few days so I guess I just had a bit of a break….or else it’s another ulcer now as well as the original one? I have my repeat gastroscopy in 3 weeks(as well as get the biopsy results to see if any cancer’s detected and if I tested positive for the bacteria that causes 90% of ulcers and predisposes to stomach cancer…which I suspect I do) to see if it’s healed up or still there but I’m pretty sure(based on the pain still here) I know what the answer to that will be! I also have a Facebook friend who said her migraines first started when her sister committed suicide and on the “Criminal Minds” TV show I watch a character also had crippling headaches and tests came back normal and he was told it was psychosomatic and likely caused by some trauma he had bottled up inside him, unresolved and repressed that he had to deal with……

and so….

it got ME thinking…

MY blinding headaches( later diagnosed after an MRI as “Atypical Migraines”) first began when I was 13..the same time the bullying in school also began(which also lasted for YRS) which was also just the beginning of the “end” of life as I knew it; I would no longer be the happy person I once was, that was when everything all turned to shit and all the traumas and stressors would soon follow, and my life would be changed forever. The depression would sink in at that time as well(never to let go and is still here to this day, never to release it’s iron-tight grip) along with the acute anxiety disorders, everything coming to a head, all the emotional baggage and psychological damage of YRS of physical and emotional abuse caving in on me, crumbling, taking it’s toll, and now looking back could living years of trauma, stress,and anxiety( which still engulfs my life to this day) BE the cause OF my migraines….AND my ulcer? Is is possible that my deep-rooted and deep-seated emotional and psychological pain and hurt due to a traumatic and stressful life can somehow be internalized and tuned into PHYSICAL pain? Has it all built up, nowhere to go, no place to be released and now attacked my body as well as my mind? Is it like a poison, a toxin, that festers, builds,and boils, until it overflows beyond containment and eats me alive both inside and out? Is it simply a manifestation of my emotional pain that’s causing my migraines and ulcer; playing out as physical symptoms? If there were some way to heal my broken wounded spirit would the migraines and ulcer simply heal and go away,too? If I could heal my painful emotional scars and restore my soul would my physical pain follow? Is my physical pain simply emotional baggage transferred? Something had to “give” and it’s been overloaded for so long and emotionally I just can’t take any more so is it now simply “moving on” and attacking my body now? It really does make me wonder…will it eventually kill me?

As well, the 16 YR old and 19 YR old blocked me on Facebook when I sent them friend requests, and I think I might have seen a drug deal go down between 2 teens waiting for their school bus at the bus stop: I saw the teen boy take out a small brown bag out of his backpack and pass it to the teen girl and then the girl gave him what looked like an envelope with what I presume was money in it….it sure looked like a drug exchange to me…and I saw in the news a guy’s dying last wish was to be kissed by a giraffe and mine would be to touch a hippo!( I’ve seen them at the zoo but to touch one up close and personal would be the ultimate; I wish I could BE a hippo,too, as no one messes with a hippo; hippos aren’t animals that would be pushed around and  bullied, that’s for sure!) I’m also saddened to hear the Malaysian PM announce flight 370 likely crashed into the ocean with no survivors, and I’m thinking either a mechanical error or hijacking but a terrible, tragic accident(that it crashed) either way, and my guess would be most likely re-routed to Australia and ran out of fuel and crashed accidently; I don’t think the crash itself was deliberate even if it was hijacked. I feel like crying when I heard though, and for those killed in the mudslide in Washington,too, it’s all just so sad,and it’s all just too much. Those poor people.