The Cow Cat.

CowCat This is the neighbourhood cat that’s “adopted” us as it’s people. We’re not sure if it’s a stray or not or if it has a family but it’s been coming over here to visit us and it looks skinny so I fed it tuna and now it keeps coming back and spends all day on our veranda waiting for us to come outside and even “marked” it’s “territory” by peeing on our garbage can( not entirely a bad thing as it should also act as a repellent to keep the squirrels from chewing holes thru the lids as they have been as cats are predators of squirrels) so it’s like it’s claimed our house as it’s own, so are we now it’s new “foster” family or is it “cheating” on it’s family? When I saw it on the neighbour’s fence yesterday I called it and it jumped down and ran over to me excited and sat curled up on my lap and snuggled, purring, for an entire HR I sat outside.

CowCat2 The kids call it “Cow Cat” due to it’s black and white markings that look like a cow.It’s also a male as the 16 YR old  so eloquently commented “Look at the big BALLS!” The kids like to play with it(even the 19 YR old; just the 7 YR old doesn’t and is mean and says things like “Run it over with your bike!” but he’s disturbed,anyway) and want us to bring it indoors and keep it but my husband forbids pets and I told them it still might belong to someone(that people often just let their cats outside to roam) and we can’t just steal someone’s pet,and that it might not be a stray, and we can just visit and play with it outside. It’s REALLY affectionate as well and likes to snuggle and sit with us and always tries to sneak inside every time we open the front door,too, so we have to be careful! It’s good “therapy” for me as well and helps with stress and anxiety to sit there and pet the cat; it’s very relaxing and I chatter away to it and it just sits there and listens. I really missed having a pet.

As well, my hubby finally got the snow tires taken off the van; I THINK we should be safe now and not get any more snow, I have an app’t to see the psychiatrist later TODAY which is surprising and the quickest referral I ever had so I guess the doc said it was a crisis and he wanted me to get seen right away; it’s only been a week,  the new neighbours moved in next door( 5-6 adults) in the pouring rain, and the 19 YR old was  so soooo nosey and even went right over there and stood there peeking into their van checking out their stuff( I was mortified!) and he has a job interview next week as well at an investment company, and the music I listened to in the 1980’s as a teen and the Atari video games I played are now all called “Oldies”, “Classics” and “Retro” and it makes me feel so OLD!

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Therapy(newest) I had thought I have Bipolar Disorder….but now I’m thinking it’s probably more likely Borderline Personality Disorder as they’re both similar( like how Asperger’s is a milder form of autism) with the only difference being the time span between mood swings; with Bipolar each one can last for weeks or even months before it changes over but with BPD it’s HRS or days, which is more like me; they change so quickly with me; I can go from calm to angry in a matter of seconds and vice-versa and my happy days only last a few HRS or at the most 2-3 days if I’m lucky but mostly it’s dark days. Other than that they’re the same and have the same symptoms, that’s the only difference is the length of the happy VS sad stages and how quickly the mood swings change. It’s also caused by sexual abuse as a child, rejection and feeling abandoned as a child and failing to form bonds with parents as a child, all of which I suffered, and are also compounded by chronic trauma and stress, also both of which I have all thru my life.

The symptoms I have all of which as well are incl: self harm( I don’t cut myself but I DO other things, which I’m not going to get into here), severe depression, suicide or suicide attempts( and the suicide rate is very high), mood swings, deep and intense emotions( that is, feeling things deeper than most people do), being negative and pessimistic, feelings of emptiness, anxiety, feelings of rejection, isolation,and failure, feeling victimized, seeing everything in “black and white”, feelings of shame and guilt, being impulsive( with spending, gambling, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. and when I lived in the city and had $$$ I did used to shop impulsively), no self-esteem, insecurity,OCD, need for routine, viewing the world as dangerous, chronic stress, trouble with relationships, unclear of own identity, unsure of own future, and fear of rejection and abandonment…..that’s ME! Sadly there’s no treatment and the condition is very difficult to treat, greatly impairs people’s lives and relationships( yeah, tell me about it!) and only the symptoms can be managed, such as the depression and anxiety.It also only affects something like 1-2% of the population….so there I am yet again….the rare statistic.

As well, it was the 12 YR old’s turn to make the weiner wraps( she likes to cook) and of course mine was wrong; I got the wrong one, the one without cheese(they got mixed up) and when I got mad( because it always happens to ME) my mother snarled, “STOP it!” “Oh, get OVER it!” but it’s always MY stuff and she doesn’t think I even HAVE the right to GET pissed off and thinks it’s just a weiner wrap but it’s not…it’s about them never validating my feelings or acknowledging my right to BE mad when it’s always MY stuff it happens to and that I’m always the one with the bad luck; she excuses, “People make mistakes!” allowing for other’s screw ups yet never understands why I get mad that these things always happen to me and I’m sick of my bad luck all the time and thinks I should just accept shit all the time( probably because she thinks that’s all I deserve) and not say anything and doesn’t think I even have the right to ever get mad or complain!

We also got another bill from our old Internet/phone company that we cancelled with like 1-2 months ago and they refuse to accept we cancelled and still keep sending us bills so my hubby called them yet again and told them off and said we’re NOT paying it and for them to stop sending them as they’re just going straight into the garbage and we’ll report them to the Better Business Bureau(and just so you know, the shit company is ACN so don’t deal with them!) and all day yesterday I kept smelling what smelled like frying ham( only it wasn’t) so I wonder if it’s something neurological, like how I heard when people have brain tumours they’ve sometimes said they can smell a “burnt” smell….

18 YRS.

OurFire I can’t believe it’s been 18 YRS on the May holiday since we had the fire. It was in 1996. The photo seen here(the insurance company gave us copies) was what my bedroom looked like afterwards. There was nothing left. All you can see here is the window and part of the wall. Everything was destroyed and we lost half the house and had to spend 10 weeks in a motel while it was rebuilt. We barely got out alive and it was very traumatic and I had PTSD for something like 9-12 months due to the ordeal. It’s something I’ll never forget and even though now it’s in the back of my mind and it seems more like a dream, or like something I saw in a movie it  was VERY real and at the time I thought I’d never get thru it or get over it….but I did, although it did take a long time to heal and for a long time afterwards even certain sounds( fire sirens) or smells( such as the stale smoke smell that lingered in the closets for months afterwards) would trigger flashbacks, panic attacks and nightmares. It was a terrifying, frightening experience to live thru, and I’ll  never forget the roaring sound of the flames, how bright and how hot the fire was, the loud crackling sounds, the immense heat, how my chest tightened and constricted from the smoke and my throat was hoarse, how the flames chased me up the stairs and out the door, singeing my bangs and eyelashes, how quickly it spread, how panicked I was(and how I was screaming and it was my frantic screams that brought the neighbour behind us running over) thinking not everyone got out( I got 3 of the kids out and my mother got 3 out; we had 6 kids at the time and my hubby wasn’t home, but we got out different doors and I didn’t see them) how I jumped a 6 foot fence after I’d tossed the kids over the fence to neighbours on the other side, sitting on the neighbour’s front lawn in disbelief watching the house burn down and hearing firemen breaking every window, how the lights of the  firetrucks lit up the night, how everything just seemed to move in slow motion,how the fire chief came over and told me our dog had died, how over 50 people came to watch, how they blocked off our entire street, how kind strangers brought us blankets and drinks, etc. forever etched into my memory.

As well, in church the 16 and 19 YR olds STILL hung around at the back instead of sitting in the pews and being civilized like they’re supposed to(and like me AND 3 people at church TOLD them to) and I told my hubby to talk to them( because they don’t listen to me) and all HE said was for them to stop going to church, so he’s no help, and him and the 12 and 16 YR olds were helping “Klepto’s” family move things for their yard sale even though they’re a bad influence I don’t want around the kids(but for some reason my hubby  encourages and seems almost obsessed with himself) as bad company corrupts good morals and the kids should choose their friends more wisely, and I never even knew the 12 YR old was gone and I was looking all over for her; my hubby never tells me when he’s taking the kids out or where they’re going; no one ever tells me anything and I’m always the last to know anything and then he blames me saying *I* never ASK where he’s going….except I DO but he never tells me!

Day 4 of my migraine as well( they’re baaaaack!) and I had to take my “migraine buster” pill ( “Mylan Rizatriptan”) so when I see the neurologist next month I’ll see if he can increase my Topamax dose as I have been on it for 2 YRS in August, and when I saw the serrated knife we use to cut watermelon I wanted to slit my wrists,too, the urge was so strong, I just feel so empty and my anxiety’s so bad my fingernails are all bleeding from biting them,and I just want to move away as far as I can from this country and start over and forget I ever had kids.I know it sounds awful but I’m just so broken, so destroyed,and there’s nothing left of me anymore; the traumas and stresses of my  life have already taken everything and I have nothing left anymore and right now I wish I could just  run into a field of tall, tall swaying grass and just keep running far, far away.